compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- into my brain, outta my head So I took this test. I'm trying not to worry about it until I get my score. Last night, I had a dream where I got one point below my target score. I was still happy about it, knowing that it would make little sense for me to take it again. It was so real, that I let go of all the anxiety and tension surrounding *my score* and moved on with my life. Except it wasn't real, so all that anxiety and tension is still there, under my disregard for anything at the moment. Among the dreams I had last night (lately I've been remembering them, since I took the test actually. I've been getting a lot of sleep too), I had another where my stepmother morphed into an art teacher that was trying in different ways to disclude me, while I was trying in different ways to avoid her, and it was a vicious cycle. In my dream though, I was in some other country, and it was easy to bike around. I rode my bike through the streets during a break, and met a woman running that wanted to give me life advice and so she gave me her number. When I came back, we were making things out of plaster. She wouldn't let me start one, because I wasn't there for the first five minutes of the class. She let the next kid who came in start a project, so I just followed what he was doing without saying anything. Okay, anyway, I don't know how this is relevant to anything. Oh, so, my stepmother called me the night before the test, but I didn't answer because I was really afraid she was "inadvertantly" going to psych me out, which was the last thing I needed. The next day, she gives me a message through my dad that I can retake the test in December. This bothers me way more than it should. Well it's just like..don't you think I would know when I can retake the test as someone who is taking it? Wouldn't that have already occurred to me? I had also told my dad that if I did retake it I would in February to avoid burnout. So maybe he didn't tell her that part, and it's partially annoying also because my dad doesn't listen/remember already having the retake conversation. Also, why the FUCK are they bringing up retaking the test before I get my scores back? Fuck you for not having any faith in me. This is why I don't talk to you anymore. Anyway, the rest of my life has been a series of assorted fuckery since I took this test. I'm supposed to go to WV today to have romp around fantasy living out time with this dude I met a few weeks ago when I went down there for another friend's campaign. Only now its raining and I've been super unmotivated to do anything since I took this test. But I want to be like..living it up since like, life is actually really really great right now. I know this intellectually, but my emotions are all run out from caring so much about this test and overfantasizing about my post test life. I should probably just pop a pill or two, eat some sugar and chocolate, get happy, and move on with life. That's what gonna happen today, I reckon. I am going to go to WV, even if it takes me a few more hours than I thought to get out the door. Other than that, I need to find a place to live in Baltimore. I thought this was going to be way easier than it's actually panning out to be, but it's only my third day looking so I guess I ought to be more optimistic. The thing is, I got this new job that pays about 1050 a month, so I can't really afford anything over 500. 500 is pushing it. I have some friends that have a place for 240, but it's weird since I sort of date one of their housemates and I know how inevitably awkward that could get, esp since we're in an "open relationship" and his other "girlfriend" lives down the street from the place, literally. But, I'm sure it'll work out at some point. My living situation that is. My down time has made me increasingly nuerotic about everything that's happening, even though everything is pretty great right now. I'm "dating" two people in a non-committal way which means I can still make out with new people I meet and obsess over other people like I'm so comfortable doing. So that's part of my life. The other is that I just got the aformentioned job that I'm really excited about, even though there's little pay. It totally means that I can (and should) move out of the house asap. Although though, I can feel the volume of my life about to get turned up way higher than it is right now, if you know what I mean. Like, the other day I was invited to meet some people I could potentiall live with at an anarchist house in Baltimore. This was exciting because rent was cheap, and anarchists are generally cool and self empowered, so as long as they aren't all dudes and some of them are at least a little queer, the place will be relatively clean and there will be a lot of "THE MAN" avoiding and money saving by d-diving and whatnot, which I'm all into. I was gonna meet this person at one of the bars in Baltimore, so I get there, and at first it's just me and a few people I've never seen before. I notice in the shadows a dude that looks vaguely familiar, and then he comes over and talks to me and we hang out the whole night. At some point, this dude I was supposed to meet finally shows up, along with half of the young residents of the entire city cause theres a special at this bar on this night, so I end up seeing like half the people I know that live in smalltimore. This all ends with guy buying me a drink, me making out with another guy, and then driving home drunk, all marginally bad decisions (well the first two not really, but the third one was definitely bad. I ended up fine. But still) Anyway, I didn't even end up meeting the dude that has space in his house (I met his friend who was gonna introduce us, but the actual guy left the bar five minutes before we discovered each other), and I still need to text him or something. I should probably get on that soon. My slowness through life will not be tolerated in a house search. I need to put urgency and motivation back into my brain. I used most of this up for the test. It feels like I"m on dopamine control withdrawal or something. Anyway, that's my life right now. It's weird, It ain't bad. I'm at a strange limbo place but it's not a bad place to be. I just gotta get up on my game again. And stop craving fast food. 10:58 a.m. - 2010-10-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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