compie's Diaryland Diary


Venus in retro

It's funny how self-referential my diaryland is. Somehow because I started it like that 18 years ago, I was never able to stop. It's just how it is. Also the self-deprecation. I never stopped doing that here too. It's somehow a weird guilty pleasure of mine/ I always felt cool, just weird and dissappointed how few people understood that at an early age. LMAO. That's a joke, or is it? I don't know. Venus is in retrograde and I can't help but sit here on a quiet, pleasantly jobless, friday morning and reflect on how lucky I actually am to be who I am.

When I was younger, being a queer asian person was the cross I felt like I died on daily. But now, I'm so happy to be who I am.

It's still true that white people rule the world. And there are still some days I wish I was a tall bitch. But, my time is coming. I don't need to rule the world, I just want things to change so that no one like me has to grow up with the social bullshit that I had. That we are free to be ourselves, that perhaps this country will recognize and appreciate what we have to offer to the world-- that we can be of service to humanity not only through our deeds which will always be the most important, but also by just being who we are and expressing ourselves, that self-expression can be done as a service to humanity.

I'm still thinking about moving to California in the next few years. But, recently I've started to feel like I could create a home here in Baltimore. We had this event in historic Chinatown. Well, really Bollymore just had a 30 minute DJ slot. And I felt like people were just being drunk and nice. But it was really cute to help orchestrate watching a young indian girl in a salwar dance in a cleared circle while black baltimore old timers and asian american business owners cheered and took turns in the middle. White people just watched and clinged to their eighth minority heritage to feel some belonging, lol. I mean white people are invited too if they can ever chill. This is the type of thing I thought I'd only ever see in California.

When I go back to the street I grew up, I feel a deep sense of relief--taking off a tight belt I forgot I had on. The white establishments of my time are gone, replacing them now is a stand-alone Patel Brothers grocery and Korean BarBQ. I could have totally soothed my weirdo feelings by spending one day in my town in the future.

I don't need things to be primarily asian (or queer). In fact part of what gives me comfort about all this is the fact that being asian (and being queer) is so many things, and what I love about the idea of being both that suggests the diversity inherent within. I actually like having dialogue with other asians/queer people, provided we all understand how power works. This could be expanded easily, eventally to all of humanity, because the base of self-identity also rests in a plurality of diversity. But for so long I felt invisible, and now I'm finally started to see people here realize that I exist, we exist.

Part of this diversity though is realizing how complicated the world is. I'm not going to like someone just because they're queer or asian, and why should I? I'm not going to dislike someone for the sole reason they're not, either. Doing so is the essence of nationalism and the heart of most issues in this country, IMO.

It's funny to think about moonroot, my first attempt at queer asian community, and how everyone but me resides in California now. Sometimes I felt like I was othered in that group for being the poorest, darkest, most struggling member. But also looking back on it, I got in my feelings a lot more than I needed to, and the rest of moonroot really tried their best and loved me. Being involved in such a project has lead to so many other things that have lately been important to me. I'm forever grateful to have been a part of that and bollymore, and art-based community building projects that I hope to always be a part of in some way.

10:44 a.m. - 2018-10-05


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