compie's Diaryland Diary


are you mad?

LOL. So, I guess I do this every so often. And, why not tonight? It's a full moon in scorpio. I'm listening to binaural beats in my room in Bed Stuy, Brooklyn. I've lived in NYC for almost 5 years. I should've moved here sooner. Or maybe it was just at the right time. I just reread the past few posts which pan the past 15 years or so. So, I wanna say that not much has changed in some ways, but that's given me some perspective, in a good way. In that, I know it's me. And that's something I can change.

I've been down bad again, about another man. Of fuckn course. I'm addicted to being down bad about someone, obsessing over someone. Not being in love or limerence is like having the color taken away from my life. I'm also constantly casually dating people, even though I don't think I am. I basically will give anyone who seems cool and is cute enough a chance. But maybe this is just..human. Idk. I'm not cheating on anyone or anything. I'm usually just in love with someone, and it's not necessarily the people I'm with, though I love them too.

Part of me is kind of tired of this. It's been at least 20 solid years of chasing around dumbass idiots based on some sort of sacred projection I had of them in my mind. But I also can't not believe in love. If I give up my belief in love, I don't see the point of continuing to live. So it's hard, to not be enmeshed in someone as the embodiment of that love.

I tend to focus on the person. There was something special about them. They made me feel a way no one else has. We had these profound experiences together-- dancing in the dark, looking into eachothers eyes, sharing telepathic messages while listening to music, walking down the street together and feeling so beautiful in our polyrythmic strides. bombing down the streets aimlessly for hours, talking about the nature of life and the will to continue living while we were on x. okay well now i'm being more specific, but what difference really are these experiences to the others besides the fact that they came later and thus feel more profound? At least I know my experiences are getting better. There is no single lover that I look back on from years ago. It was always my most recent loss. That lover was surely the love of my life. I'm trying to remember me as this kind of love has its claws in me once more. It's felt like never ending bottomless voidal pain before. It's not a new feeling and I will survive.

I've been reading about Neville Godard recently, the father of manifestation. I've been also reading that some people think manifestation is evil. I think it has been used for evil purposes, but it doesn't have to be. Maybe some of the "master's" tools can in fact dismantle the "master's" house. I put those words in quotations because what do they truly mean? There is magic and power in words. Lately I've been trying to remind myself of that. I'm trying affirmations for the first time and if nothing else, they do help me feel much better in the moment. It makes me realize how many negative thoughts are constantly circling my mind. And perhaps why I' this. Nuerotic, overly focused on the external and constantly checking it for validation before proceeding, forgetting that I too and a being able to exert my will and my energy onto this planet. I think I have a very powerful sleeping power. I am eager to find out what it is. It's taken me this long to finally feel ready to do this. I've also been saying certain things for years-- just hoping to put more creative work into the world, but have I done it? I've made a couple songs in the past couple years. I've DJ'd more. I've also slept a lot and ruminated a hellof lot. I still long to be like a lot of people I'm lucky enough to find myself around.

The past few weeks have been really transformational. On the summer solstice, I watched it from my roof and met another dude who lives on my block whose also from Baltimore. That night I went to a show that seemed to really answer all my prayers. I can't believe I almost didn't go. It was all these artists h y perpop artists I've been listening to lately (I can't say bc I have learned from the past not to make my posts googleable lol). And there were even more artists that I listen to who were there that performed too. It was such a great show. I knew it was going to be a very special night. I got told about the afterparty by some kids I made conversation with outside (who flew all the way from LV to be there). When I went my ex P was there (I like them, we dated this summer but I never loved them to the point of having to hate them but I still like and miss them). It was so good to see him. And he introduced to me to his other ex that he dated right after me (lol) and now we're hanging out and it's cute. She walked me home and we talked all night into the morning on my fire escape. I didn't even realize we were standing there for so long. We finally made out and fell asleep at some point. I was relieved that I could fall asleep with her. I haven't heard from her in a few days (lol) so who knows. But I'm not really worried. They are sweet and I do hope I see them again though. I'm just excited about the whole scene. I'm also hanging out with another girl I met from there too. We're now movie buddies. I just wanna surround myself with nice people who are musicians and are into putting on cute things together and being in community. And I'm down to do activist stuff too, just with people I know and not people I'm trying to prove something to. And I feel like I finally found that, for now. It's something I've been asking the universe for. I felt so devoid of community even this time last year. Lately I've been trying on so many lil pockets in NYC. That's what this city is for. Between this pocket and the reading group I was in, I really liked all the women especially I met in that group. I also have this lil cute bar hopping group of women I love. I finally have a housemate I can chill and talk to, whose queer brown and older than me so their advice actually hits and they have their shit together (and are slowly inducing me to get my shit together too..boy there's a lot of shit to get tg) oh AND e lon moved here. I've always loved him and it's so nice having someone here from my hometown that remembers what it's really like. And I've been a fan of his too. I just want the very best for him and I'm honored to have a place in his life where maybe I can provide that and help him in some way. Listening to his music still soothes me when I'm feeling bad. But anyway, my point is that I have some solid friendships and community even though they've popped up recently. It's just nice after 4 years of flailing in the city that I'm starting to feel at home.

I finally passed the last test I need to take in order to be a fully licensed attorney here in NYC. After 5 years of taking all their lil tests and all the self harm and body trauma I went through over it, it's finally over. I want to thrive in this city for real and I feel like now the path is finally cleared.

Oh, and I'm doing my third DJ thing in this city next weekend. I'm DJing desi music for this party, near Col umbia while the student protests are happening. And it's a fundraiser for medical stuff for G a za. I feel like it's a historical moment. Regardless, I'm happy to be called to do something I like for something I care about.

Even though I'm still incredibly sleepy and weighed down by the claws of love, I know I have a lot to be thankful for right now and I'm certainly making my way. And I'll always be my own very best friend. I can't forget that.

9:34 p.m. - 2024-04-23


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