compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when I get low, I get high So clearly this journal was, is and will forever be about all my depraved positions in life that are too embarassing to post anywhere else. To my knowledge, no one that I currently know reads this. The only group of people that I remember having "found" my journal were my teachers in high school, and I doubt any of them would care to be traumatized/bored into the narrative of my collegiate and post collegiate life choices and consequences. Anyway, so studying for the LSAT is going pretty mediocre-ly. By that, I mean mostly my score, which probably has something to do with the fact that I'm physically incapable of sitting in one place for long enough and devoting immense brain power to one thing. I think I need medication. In class I'm pretty good at being able to see and understand why the right answer is right, but under timed conditions I either freak out or space out and then run out of time or start getting dizzy or something..I have a couple weeks to sort this out, so we'll see how that goes.. On the other side of things, my life is on the upswing. I am generally out of the doldrumic period that my last entry stemmed from, probably mostly due to the warmer weather. Summer always brings some good things, even if it's just the vitamin D. I had a pretty wasteful/depraved middle of summer, in which I was randomely dating a few men from OkCupid in order to abate the boredom that I had while being stuck in the house. It was mostly a waste of time, though I don't know what the alternative would have produced (maybe something worse). I do have a few stories under my belt to show for it, though, and a nervous breakdown to boot. I'm actually tired of recounting the story, but I'll tell you, dear diaryland. Some dude on okcupid kept messaging me about how he lived in my suburban town and wanted to hang out, and he seemed decent enough so I gave him my number. A few months back, he texted me. I ignored him, because I didn't care. Then later, about a month or so ago, I was in a strange position of either going out to dinner alone or responding to another text he had just sent me, and possibly meeting this dude who lives in my neighborhood. I chose the latter, and it was pleasant. He even paid. We made plans to go to a concert. We went to said concert. Afterwards, we hooked up, even though I didn't really want to, I sort of became ambivilent to the process. Maybe he likes me? I dunno. The next weekend my "best friend" invited us to a bar crawl in Baltimore. My new convenient boy and I were going to go out to eat, but decided to take my friend up on her offer. we went to Baltimore. So when we get there, she immediately starts flirting with him. This continues, and gets more obvious as she gets drunker. I start feeling a bit insecure about this, because while I wasn't quite sure how I felt about this guy, I felt like I was in some competition that I needed to put some effort in. But at the same time, I didn't really like him enough to genuinely flirt with him in that way. I'm also just not that much of a flirt, i guess. Anyway, we go back to her place to crash, and she invites us to sleep in her bed. At this point it's pretty clear to me what's about to happen. In some last ditch effort to save my ego, I threw all dignity aside and started making out with guy. Then my friend pushes me aside and starts making out with him. This ends up in a threesome wherein I'm clearly the least interested and also of least interest in. I start asking, "why am I here?" and then I had a nervous breakdown. The unmentioned back story of all of this is that this friend, who shall go unnamed, has been similar with boys before. Comments like, "yeah but most of the guys I date are more attractive." and secretely dating someone I was previously interested in are all things that happened. The first time its forgiveable, with an asterisk of "just don't let it happen it again." The second time, it's like, well, fuck me for being your friend. So that's basically what happened. Also, the guy involved was really boring and easily manipulated, so of COURSE he's going to go for my cute friend whose totally like into him or whatever. Anyway, I want little to do with either of them anymore. The day after, her proposed solution to the problem was that I just not introduce her to boys I'm seeing anymore. I didn't talk to her for a week. She told a friend of mine to let me know that I should call her, so I did. She apologized for what she said, but still maintained that she didn't remember much of anything from that night cause she was "so drunk" and also doesn't remember flirting with him. But, also, she claims that her memory is constantly shot so then either she hasn't done any of the things you might want to say she has, or that she can't be held responsible for them anymore because she doesn't remember. bull shit. Anyway, theres been some karmic retribution on my part. Since not being friends with her anymore, my self-confidence has come back, and I immersed myself in my freelance Baltimore photography and writing job for a week. Then I made some new friends in the city. Also, me and the friend went to west virginia last weekend to see some friends who are doing some great things. En route, we slept in college park for the night. There, I met a gorgeous man who I connected with. I saw her try to flirt with them when I was out of arm's reach, but it ended up working out in my favor. We had a few moments of drunken PDA, but it was one of the first party-hook ups that did not end in awkwardness but a desire to actually see each other again. Yess. After that, we go to WV. I tolerate her, even her attempts to hook up with/ "connect to" my good friend who carpooled down with us. When we get there, I meet another amazing person who I end up playing harmonica for on a few songs he wrote. It worked so well together that we ended up performing them twice in the next few days I'm in town. He's immediately into me, we get along well, we bond, it's awesome. I'm reminded that I'm actually a beautiful person so many times over. At some point, she came up to him to tell him how great his music is. Then he starts talking about me and how great I am, and how smitten he is with me. She doesn't know what to do with herself. So this guy asks me to move to WV. In a perfect world where things were easy, I would have probably stayed at least a little longer, but you know..We ended up spending a night together on my last night in town, and the next day we were acting just like a couple about to part ways for a long time. The whole thing probably wouldn't have worked out on a longer time scale, since about half the girls on the trip were into him for some reason, but I like the way our short relationship can suspend itself in time. I miss him though. So as if this wasn't enough fortune cup-overfloweth type shit to reassure me, on my way back I get messages from another boy in Baltimore who I really like. We've been hanging out a bit, and he's "polyamorous" which I try not to think about too much unless I'm in a situation like the one in WV. Then I don't have to feel guilty at all. So far, the arrangement seems to be healthy. And so...last night, I went to a show in Baltimore. A good friend who I entrusted with the previous situation I told you about has been making it a point to be extra nice to me, and invited me out to a show. It was a really good time. We got drunk in my car and I told him about my crazy weekend and he was into it. AND THEN..at this show, I see someone who I met at a show in college more than a year ago. he was the bassist for this band that was controlled by an iron fisted manager. He was cute. After the show, we had talked, we were into each other, but got wisked away by our respective departing parties. Never thought I'd see him again unless I saw his band play, and in that context I'd just be another groupie. I wasn't sure if he'd both recognize me and acknowledge me, but he totally did. We picked up the conversation we had the year before, and we exchanged numbers. We were maybe possibly about to arrange hanging out, but then similarly got pulled apart by our friends with diverging plans. He wants me to go to his show on Wednesday, and I think I may. Anyway, all of a sudden I don't know what to do with myself. In the midst of it all, I have to study. But what better time to be given a solid injection of mojo-having self confidence than now? Maybe I can convert my some of newfound power of seduction into some concentration for the lsat..or maybe not. Anyway, that's my life, and it's pretty good. 12:52 a.m. - 2010-09-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||