compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so it goes. ouuuch. I need a shower. There are flies all around me. Also, I think he has a new interest. She's an amazing artist, and may also be a model, too. I just really really have to forget about him. fuck my life. that deep sinking feeling is coming. Okay. Shower happened. There are less flies. My stomach is sinking though. This girl seems really amazing. I'm looking at her art online, and sort of feeling very insufficient. Why am I not good at things? I suppose I at some point need to forsake people's judgement and do something for myself. But its hard, you know, when you're so down on yourself because you are so into something external from yourself. I keep thinking that there is something beautiful buried deep within me. Some gift, some pursuit, that if I just take a little more seriously I could be truly proud of myself. That's why I came here to this farm. But I'm working so damn hard all the time that I have no time to figure out what that is. It's good to have an outlet, some sort of catharsis, otherwise I'd just be sitting at home listening to Tom Waits or Fiona Apple on repeat. But god is it hard to move when your stomach is in your shoes and your heart is in your throat and your brain feels turned inside out because you don't know where your self worth lies anymore. 3:20 p.m. - 2009-08-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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