compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pushing the barrow So I'm on the farm. It's lots of toil, but it also feels good, most of the time, at the end of the day. I really love the family a lot. Also, I have another wwoofer who came. She's great and we get along pretty well. I have a cabin I'm staying in, where I find huge spiders sometimes. I caught one in a jar and thought it died in there overnight, but in the morning I saw it move around. It was huge. Elizabeth, the other wwoofer let it out. I hope to gain more courage here. So lately I've been having terrifying dreams, except for last night where I had some wishful thinking type dreams. So, the boy never showed up before I left. He never returned my phonecalls. I finally sent him that letter through facebook, and he never responded. I sent him a drunken text my last night in college park, just being like..I will miss you so much. Ugh. So after all that, no sign. I decided this past friday that I would call him to confront the situation. I was surprised he even answered, with a "howdy," as if nothing had ever happened. He asked how the farm was, but then cut me off because he had to go since he was the only one at the bike shop and needed to close up. He said we'd talk again soon as if he knew something I didn't. Not in a way that sounded like he'd call me soon, just in a matter-of-fact way as if it will happen whether either of us want it to or not. The situation makes me more and more neurotic. I am aware though that the more freaked out I get the more I will chase him away. I am resolving to forget about him and chalk it up as someone who got away, with some hope that maybe we will see each other again in the future, like he says. It's hard though, because I don't want to, in some ways, forget about him. But I am in this new place and I need to figure out my own self here. Rural life is interesting. I don't think I could live it for more than a month at a time. I need to live in a city. I would love to live in San Francisco. But I have no money. I need a job. I hope I can get one there. I don't know my situation as far as going back home or not. I'm sure my parents want me to. I would like to see my friends all in the same place again, but me leaving was supposed to be forever. I suppose at some point it wouldn't hurt to visit though. I just don't want to regress in life. I'm trying so hard to not look back but it's tough. But, I am having a, for lack of better word, good time here. I will really miss it a lot when I leave, and I'm already starting to miss my other wwoofer as she booked her tickets home already. I am waiting to do that, because I'm so confused by what I want and what I can do and if I should stay on the west coast or not. I think I should tough it out for more than a month. Maybe not at a farm, but on my own. Somewhere. I would really like to buy a motorcycle myself. And get a tattoo. But first I need money..And a job. So who knows where I will be in the near future. Into the wild. 8:49 a.m. - 2009-08-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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