compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- speeding motorcycle of my heart it's funny to me how diaryland never logs me out. It remembers me from way back, when life was different. Seemingly, at least. I'm leaving in less than 48 hours for San Francisco. I'm less ready now then I ever have been, and yet also more ready at the same time. It's a strange feeling. I want to hold on to every moment here, but it's mostly because I also don't want to come back. But who knows what will happen out there. You know when you can't forsee your immediate future? It always sort of freaks me out. It makes me feel as if I will die soon. not to mention all of a sudden I have been hit by the gut-wrenching thing known as romance and/or love. Or infatuation. Or severe depression and questioning of self worth. I don't even know. I'm going to make cheese on a farm and I hope I can sort out my feelings about everything out there. People keep asking me "why" There isn't a real answer to that question. It seems like the right thing to do, and it is the right thing to do because it is happening. So, this situation. This boy has wrecked my life. Well, not really. I just went from a serious case of ennui to a roller coaster ride and it makes me want to hurl. What may be worth mentioning, is that he is gorgeous. We met before I even met Len, when we both worked at the same bike shop. There may even be an entry about him, somewhere in there.. But that's not what is important. What is important is that I fell for him. What is important is that we were hanging out as friends and I was afraid to sully our friendship with love but then we kissed and now our friendship is all fucked up. Lately I've been just making out and hooking up with random people. Some of which I had a semblance of feeling towards, mostly for egotistical reasons. But this was different. To me, at least. He asked me to go to Philly with him. We went with two of his friends, a couple (a really cute one at that). We drove all night and listened to Joanna Newsome. We got there a little before midnight, and did various kinds of drugs and just sat around and talked. For some reason it was all magical. We fell asleep on different couches at 4 am in the living room, and he was happy that I had come. I was happy I had too. We had to leave at 7 or 8 am because his friend had work in baltimore in the morning. We came back with the intention of sleeping more on the roof. We scaled a couple stories, me on a ladder, him just climbing things. We got on the roof and for the first time in my life I felt like I could be the queen of baltimore. It was hot up there. He took off his shirt. Then I did. And we just kept on talking. His hand creeped up to mine, and I finally got the balls to reciprocate. Our hands touched, and the whole city fell under a brief hush. Time stopped. I lunged towards him and we started kissing. It may have been the most intense thing like that in my life. Since then though, I've been so nervous around him. It doesn't make sense, because that's what is supposed to happen like..when you like someone, before you hook up with them. I don't know why I felt that way. I sort of think that he got a lot more nervous too. He came over again and we talked for hours. I was supposed to see some people I may never see again but him and I couldn't stop talking. We held hands again and kissed. It may have been one of the sweetest things ever. So, I think I"m in some sort of love with him. It's strange, I usually hesitate to say things like that. I've never had such an experience with somebody though. But I feel like he's starting to distance himself. He came over the other day, and some other friends of mine and I accidentally drank some wormwood absinthe. 15 minutes later I was catatonic and puking all over the place. He came all the way down with a couple of his friends, but disappeared into the night. I don't think he even knew I was so drunk. I apologized yesterday for it, and he apologized for his friends being awkward. So, I think we both have cards. But we're dealing with it sort of differently. I don't know how he feels. But it's driving me crazy. The fact that I'm leaving is the most strange, because I know I have nothing to lose. But now he's not returning my phone calls? You'd think if we were friends for a while that he'd at least want to see me in that light before I left? Or maybe he hates me now? I don't understand why. He may just not be around right now..Theres always tomorrow. I wrote a letter that I'm going to read him. It goes like this: I rarely have the courage to do these things, but I need to put all of my cards out on the table. I really like you. I'm sorry if I've been weird or awkward lately, because it's just that I can't handle such an intense feeling sometimes. I don't know how you feel, but I really have had a lot of fun getting to know you in these past couple of weeks. I'm a little confused, because even though we're good friends, i feel like you've been distant lately. Since I am leaving I feel like I have nothing to lose. I just thought you should know. I would really like to know how you feel, too.
Also, I'm seeing Len in less than a week. What do I tell him? Do I not love him anymore? We broke up a while ago technically, so there is no reason that he should be upset. But, it upsets me, in a strange way. Also, this boy that I'm talking about is about to get a motorcycle. He may drive it to San Francisco, because he plans on going to college there. That is very close to where I will be.. ugghhhssfgggdsdff 11:02 p.m. - 2009-07-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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