compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- everything I expected my last college party to be I don't know what I want anymore. The case is almost settled. Our landlord lied in court, but our lawyer scared the shit out of her and we settled out. Now the dismissal is filed and we'll know it's surely dead (if it is) next thursday. I hate how they make this shit hang over your head for as long as possible. Anyway, still no job. I don't think it's going to happen at this point. I might as well go work for my dad and live with my parents for a while. Once I finish my class, I feel like I will almost want to. If nothing for a semi-delivered soul (since I never spend time with my parents and I think it may be one of the main reasons why I could be considered a bad person), and breakfast lunch and dinner. last night I went to a party, probably the last college (as I know it) party in my lifetime. A lot of my friends were there. Some I haven't seen in forever. Pretty much every dude who I have had some sort of "thing" with over the course of my college career was there. Dil only for 10 minutes, but I waved to him. I tried saying hi to his girlfriend but she wouldn't look me in the eye and I felt weird trying too hard to get her attention. I'm sure she noticed me though. So, a side note, message to girls (and I'm sure some girls know these things): just because I liked or hooked up with your boyfriend once, before you knew him, doesn't mean we have to hate each other. You can look me in the eye and say hello, we are people outside of our relationships. surprisingly most of the party made me feel strange and lonely. I met this one pretty cool guy from stanford, but he was really tall so it was weird looking up to see him (haha) J was there, with his girlfriend(?). The last entry I said I didn't want to be his girlfriend and I guess I don't. I was still annoyed though watching them sit together, not dancing, judging all of us on the dancefloor. They left together and I asked them for a ride home. At the last minute I changed my mind to stay and then changed it back again to leave, and they were in the parking lot, staring at the stars and holding hands, still not left. All of a sudden I had a fiery burst of self-hatred and loneliness hit me at that second. How cute of them. Looking up at the 10 stars you can see in our polluted college town. It is cute though, I suppose. I'm sure they were enjoying themselves. I wanted to rid myself of being there asap, so I luckily got to hitch a ride with some other friends who were on their way out. Maybe it's all psychosomatic, but I'm pretty sure she is constantly judging me from afar and hating me. I guess I can't blame her, I still make out with her boyfriend behind her back. Well, I did last tuesday. I don't know if it's going to continue or not. I guess I also judge her, now. I tried liking her, but I sort of think she's lame. Mostly for her face that she tries to give me, as if we're friends. But I know she's not interested in being friends, she's just interested in some sort of competition type thing that I really don't want to participate in (but I will take what I can get). I don't know why I care all of a sudden. I think it has something to do with my pride. A, the legendary boy who I liked freshman year, was also at the party. We had a conversation as equals for the first time in a long time. it was cool, I guess. I'm not interested in him anymore, but I did have fleeting thoughts of him coming in to make out with me, as if some old wound inside of me would have been instantly healed from such an interaction. That's stupid. I don't think I would be into him at all if I met him now, at this point in my life. I had been calling Len every night for the past week crying to him about my landlord case, about how lonely I feel, and about the injustness and incomprehensibility of this class I am taking in the summer. He got tired of it, naturally, and told me he'd prefer it if I didn't call as much. So I am trying not to call him, ever again. Probably kind of extreme, but if I tell myself "never again" I'll probably call him in a week or something. Or maybe by some strange smile of the gods he will call me. Meanwhile, I'm sort of trying to move on but I can't. As a side note, can I say something about couples? Why is it that most of them constantly act like they're above everyone at a party? Like, none of them want to dance, they just want to watch everyone else dancing. And they look around at everyone as if everyone around them is a sea of lonliness and self-destruction while they sit atop their high lighthouse of love, affection and self enlightenment. Len and I were rarely like this, although I'm sure we were perceived as such when we went to a party right after a fight or something. But generally speaking we still liked to have fun. I don't know why couples have this idea that now that they're together they don't need to have fun anymore. Is your relationship really making you happy? Is it? ugh. Anyway. Today is father's day, and I have nothing to give my dad but I'm going to see him soon. I still feel like crying. 11:05 a.m. - 2009-06-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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