compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dear god i wish i was a bird so i could fly far far far away from here So all of a sudden I have descended down a dark and long corridor of depression, a certain type that has been unfamiliar to me since...high school. maybe college is the best time of our lives. I really don't know what to do with myself. I can't believe I have to spend another "semester" in college park, completing a class that has little value to me so I can fulfill some rudimentary criteria. It's not so bad if I just do it. I find it very hard to care though. right after school ended my life for a few days was kind of amazing. I went on a short trip to the beach that was as amazing as my comparative senior year beach trip was horrible. I felt like I was living in a dream. And I sort of was. Everyone was there. Everyone I like, at least. Also some people I don't but they didn't matter too much. Anyway. So, after the beach, len goes back to vancouver, a couple of my friends move to california, my best friend moves out of our house and is replaced by this weird new tenant, and I start my bs class. I also can't even get a job at smoothie king. They have 150 other applicants. I am aware that I should try harder but I can't bring myself to. But I really do need a job. Also, on sunday I found out that our landlady is suing us for 7000. I want to blacklist her, but I'm going to withhold her name until the trial. Then I will let her shit hit her fan. Anyway, she's suing us because two OTHER people in my house didn't pay rent for two separate months. We knew about this beforehand, and have been trying to contact her in order to pay her. But instead of returning any of our phonecalls and emails she decided to sue us for more than 3 times what she actually is owed. So, now we need a lawyer. For some reason my dad is being really difficult and offered us a lawyer but refuses to actually get us in contact with him and won't return my phonecalls. So we are left to pay for a lawyer ourselves. Luckily I got a tip off and we found someone good. But it will cost 250 dollars an hour. fuck fuck FUCK. god this shit gives me more of a headache and I can feel my body age as I think about it. what the FUCK? I want that bitch to rot in hell. Seriously. I've never felt so violent towards anyone in my life. I hope we can countersue and get our money back and somehow feel vindicated, but at the same time I feel as a young person the odds are stacked against me. I really want her to regret doing this to us, because she shouldn't be doing this to anyone, but as I look at the yonder that lies before me all I see are adults trying to take advantage of us "kids" during an economic crisis. I also have no money. So while at least this gives me a chance to see my old housemates who I miss dearly, I sort of want to kill myself. I didn't know I thought money was such a big deal, but I am panicking as I seem to have no options in sight to actually make any money in the next three months, and I'm trying to support myself soon so I don't know what's going to happen. I just feel like my first baby steps into the real world have just landed me into failure. I also want to get the fuck out of this town. So this all sucks. I'm bored with my life because there are a few people still around that I enjoy. I mean there are a notable few still around. I know I should appreciate what I have because soon enough I won't see anyone anymore. I know this intellectually, but for the past few days I've been to the point where I could cry at any second. I just feel so weak against such a big world out there that seems entirely against me. Yesterday I woke up, did stat homework for 4 hours, went directly to the legal aid office, delt with some bullshit, got a ticket, and then went to class. That was my entire day. No free time, and barely enough time to eat. I ate one banana on my way to campus, and then had some mcdonalds french fries so I could get change for the meter. I ate these fries as I rushed to my car. I had a ticket anyway. That night, I got drunk on the roof with some dudes I didn't know and one of my housemates. A friend of mine came over who I think likes me. I made out with him on the roof because I was fucking bored and now he treats me like his girlfriend. I don't want to be his fucking girlfriend. He's also dating a friend of ours and I don't think she knows that he's like this with me. I feel really bad about myself. Like, wtf am I doing? Theres someone I love out there, but he's so far away that I just want to fill the void with something. I'm just so fucking bored and sad. Please someone help me see the light. At least some of my problems (may) be resolved by friday. 2:22 a.m. - 2009-06-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||