compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- boom boom boom boom So, it has been a while since I updated. Since then, my life has fallen apart and I have become a stranger to myself. But, lately, I've been working to put myself back together with pretty good results not worth complaining about. Sometimes you never know until you try. I still miss len, and I still have a sort of quasi-crush on that same kid, even though I am intellectually over it. By that I mean, he's been with that same girl since, and while I question to meaning of the world when I imagine them having sex, their relationship seems dull. Not that I'm doubting their feelings towards each other, more in the sense that I realize how it would not work if it were him and I. I just was thinking, gosh, my lot in life, without this pretty boy that I hooked up with, how unfortunate. But then I came across a video of len throwing is head back in laughter with his hands in his pockets by a lake. This other guy would never have that kind of love for life. And that's okay, that's who he is. But I think I'm lucky with who I got. Well, who I sort of got. It hadn't occurred to me until very recently, because it has taken me a long time to get over the fact that len cheated on me when he was in bolivia, but I did the same thing. And I think i'm still in love with him, in a lot of ways. I mostly know this from my inability to find any amazing traits in anyone else. Also, he hasn't met anyone else he likes so much in vancouver either. We don't talk everyday, but we talk a lot, still. and, he's coming back in a month. Not forever, only for a month. But still. Then I'm going to california to work on a farm. And he said he'd visit me. yeah that's right..HE will visit...ME. I'm graduating soon, which is a reality that I get both excited and scared about in waves. I just got a short stint working on a farm in california, as afore mentioned, that i'm really excited about. I also need to apply to other farms too, but this one particularly gives me a special hope for my future and for life. I've been watching a lot of planet earth lately and have been superevaluating the life of a human to that of any other animal in the animal world, since really, it's quite all the same. It clearly seems more complicated to us, but it's not. I'm pretty sure of this. For example, I've been giving myself motivation by imagining myself as a growing but small gazelle being chased by a lion, or actually wolf (even though we all know gazelles and wolves don't live in the same habitat). In this case, the wolf is something like having to go home and live with my parents, a sign as personal failure, or "making it" somehow in this big scary world full of vast depressions but also new ideas. I just have to go faster. And keep running. Before I start completely sounding like a motivational speaker, I should recount my time since we last communicated. I, along with many of my other friends, took a roadtrip to Austin. It was amazing. I now have a renewed hope for this country, just getting out of the wretched east coast (I say that generally speaking, in a lot of ways I love dc.) We stopped in New Orleans for two nights, where I for one, really made the most of it. I blacked out on bourbon st., pushed down a police barricade, and won some beads without taking my shirt off. I really wish I remembered any of this, but it was all recounted to me the next day. We had fun in new orleans the next night too, but in a different way. austin was amazing. It's too much to really retell. I should just say that it renewed my faith in america. This is partially why I decided it wouldn't be such a bad idea to stay in the U.S. and farm here instead. Since then, its been hard for me to go back to my life here on the east coast. But its nice knowing that theres so much else out there. everyday I've been getting my act together little by little. Imagining myself as a gazelle is really helping. 10:24 p.m. - 2009-04-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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