compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- never quite as it seems i think what i love so much about this online thing is that the pages never run out. I've gotten used to my page, and everything has looked the same on diaryland for years. I've had this since 8th grade. Just had to put that out there. Single life is strange. Len is off to Vancouver, where he is nerding out a lot on Quantum Physics. He also leaves very large shoes to fill. Or rather, no shoes, I think he took them with him. maybe just footprints. I am now both emotionally impotent and desperate. Every stupid boy to approach me recently makes me gag. Perhaps because its almost embarrassing to me to shamelessly pursue someone, in the "hey sexy" type way. I mean no one's said that, but any walk to class or a text message to "be my valentine" is precisely the same bullshit. No, you can't stick your cock in me. One of our neighborhood dogs died the other day. I knew him very well. I kissed him about 5 minutes before it happened, and thought about how good he had become as of recent. He was rescued from Katrina and had post traumatic stress disorder but was so much less violent than he was at first when my friend got him. And then he got run over by a semi. The funeral was beautiful, like a Werner Herzog film, my housemate said. We buried him near the creek he used to play by. It was a neighborhood project, the entire service came together almost seamlessly. Everyone knew what to do. Some people dug the hole, Another brought the boxed limp dog body down the hill into the forest, we brought flowers and all said our favorite memory of Morris without too much of a hitch. We let a paper boat go down the stream with flowers in it. We through some flowers into the current. I hadn't done that since visiting the Ganges, so it all felt very spiritual. It was a good send off. I now have an unbelievably stupid crush on this boy I had a "sexual experience" with when my boyfriend was away for three months in latin america (sometimes I try to make the names as vague as possible so no one finds this diary, that's the one drawback of the internet). I don't know why. It seems somehow in my nature, no matter who he was, that I would want him when my boyfriend and I finally had to break up. There are a few details that make this a special case, one that I refuse to write off as "random" and find myself always thinking back to in a sweet way. 1) Neither of us "randomely" hook up. He had never before. I had only because I was forced to once (long story, i'm sure I wrote about it before) 2) Yes, we were drunk. But the sweetest part of the whole thing was in the morning. This was when I had, uhm, one of those orgasm things. (I find myself hiding my own emotions even in my own journal sometiems.) 3) He is gorgeous. It doesn't help that every girl likes him upon initial contact. I don't really know how to deal with it. I guess I need to grow some balls and talk to him myself about our situation. But part of me was wishing he liked me enough to do the same. Maybe we are both just sitting and waiting for the same thing. Who knows. He made out with some girl the same night as I made out with some guy I have no interest in. Except him and this girl went on a date this weekend. I am supremely jealous. And I need to grow some balls. I saw a great movie the other day, called Chungking Express. I would recommend it to anybody. I think I want to leave the United States in a few months. After my last semester at UMD. Hopefully I don't post soon (it means that I'm distraught and have no one to ration my thoughts out with) But I probably will. 5:35 p.m. - 2009-02-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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