compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tempted by the fruit of another wow, so I am still logged into this silly website even though my last post was 2 months ago or so. So, Len's in Bolivia. He's having fun there. He doesn't want to come back. As painful as it was to see him gone, i'm less excited about him coming back then I thought I would be the scenario in my head: he comes up to the door, i open it. we embrace. we start crying, a little, maybe. then we have amazing sex. all day. the probable reality: he comes back. there is a wave of happiness. maybe we have sex, its okay, then he goes and hangs out with everyone else he's missing. i'm selfish. and i have high expectations, i guess. in the beginning of the semester, i was depressed. life sucked. I'd cry every day at the thought that len was with some new girl, we almost broke up, there was a lot of crying over the phone, and we stayed together. I locked myself in my room and did my schoolwork when I wasn't obsessing about this situation. the student group that I founded on campus, went to shit in my opinion, most of the old members decided to leave, including me. But then my co-founder of the first group founded a new organization that is much more effective, and appointed the most awesome people to be a part of it. and so we started hanging out all the time. we went on a 20 mile hike in the wilderness of WV and dropped acid. ever since i've been feeling better about life. I've been learning to live by myself, and i've been enjoying it. Now I can have parties at my house and not feel obligated to go to something because len is going to it, I can hang out with my friends and not his friends, i can get high whenever i want to and not feel guilty. not that he would ever force any of the things i'm complaining about upon me, its just some of the habits one gets into when theyre in a relationship. I've also been hanging out with this amazing boy who is also part of the new organization a lot. he's really amazing. really. he's walked across taiwan and made a blog about it. he seems also completely unaware of how amazing he is. amazing. ha. its obvious to me that I would really like this guy if i didn't have a boyfriend. we hang out a lot and i feel like something is missing from my day when i don't talk to him. we hang out during the weekends. we get really high together. its great. there is a slight awkwardness to the relationship i suppose, because there are "places we can't go" with each other, like physically. ha. i feel the tension. when we are in a room alone together, and we just smoke pot, there is something driving us out, to be with more people, lest we get carried away with our highness and do something grave. that we regret. i mean, i obviously can't be sure he feels this way, but it seems pretty there to me. anyway, i'm not going to do anything about it. there are ways to tame the fire. you let it spread. but you don't do anything to provoke it. so yeah, i may think about him. but its not worth it. he's leaving in january too, just like len. and I have a great thing with len. I should be with him until i can't anymore. it's what I want. in a way, all this is good. I know i'll be able to move on when I have to. Its a weird decision to make, and lately i've been beating myself up over feeling this way. okay, so i still am. Or maybe I subconciously want a safety net so when len comes back and decides he doesn't love me I can jump into something else. that would be unhealthy. and very bad. i suppose. or maybe i just want to be free. I don't know. I think I want to be with Len. It's only until January. I want to make the little time we have together count. Theres just a bit of cognitive dissonance because I didn't believe one could be in love with someone and be attracted to someone else. I guess we learn new things, every day. 3:49 a.m. - 2008-11-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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