compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Berwyn Blues so I guess its only been three months since the last entry. Three months is a long time I guess. Life is weird, I guess it always will be because every moment is new. People are breaking up. People are moving away. I still have a year of college and I just want it to be over so I can move on with my life, go somewhere new, be part of a beginning and not an end. Len is leaving for Bolivia in a couple weeks. He has moved out of Berwyn, our little nest of everyone in my world. He comes to College Park often, but its not the same. It feels like I'm trying to listen to my favorite radio station as I drive farther and farther into the unknown and it keeps having these bouts of static, but when I can hear it its so good so I just deal with it for the brief times I have when its there. Yeah. I think I really love him. I don't quite know what that means, although I cannot imagine what I'd be without him. It's weird, because I just met him a year ago. We met and we were together, almost instantly. He is probably the best person I, or most people will ever meet. I've been working on a letter to him in my head but it never comes out right when I try to put it into real words. I want to tell him how he's shown me that I can do anything that I want to, regardless of what limitations i've been programmed to think I have. There have been times where I refused to get in the water or do something because I was too scared of being too cold or uncomfortable when I was with him, but I think in a lot of ways I am over that and regret not doing everything I could have done with him. This weekend we went camping in the green ridge mountains with a few other friends. The weather was perfect, and we traversed some steep mountainhills to get to a camping spot already equipped with a firepit and clothesline. The day before I had dropped acid and hadn't slept much. There was a party at our house that night that a bunch of people I hadn't seen in forever came to. It was weird coming down with that. Aaron was there. At first I felt this strange obsession with him, like how I used to, I was just so excited to see him again. But after talking to him for a little while I realized he was the same person and there was little new to figure out about him. I lost interest quickly and I'm pretty sure I'm very over him. anyway, so on the car ride to cumberland I was convinced somehow that I had gone permanently mad from the acid I ingested the day before. I only took one hit so it wasn't very strong, which was even more of a mindfuck to me cause I wasn't sure if it was kicking in or if i had just gone crazy. It was an alright trip, next time I just have to do more. Anyway, regardless of all of this, when I went to the green ridge we all took some shrooms. I was excited to see Len trip because I haven't before. I took a small amount which just made colors vivid and made me really introspective. night hit really quickly and we started to build a campfire. The sky was clear and the moon was so bright we could see its rays come through the trees. Len and I christened his new tent, one that you can see the whole sky and everything around you clearly in because its entirely made out of mesh. We could both see the moon when he was inside of me, and I think we came together that night. The next morning was hot and sunny, and we hiked until we found a small diving hole and all jumped in together. The water was cold but it felt good. I was happy I went in. It's what made me think about all the times I just didn't do something because I was too scared to. The less I see him, the more I think about him. I guess that's how it always works. I know its going to be awful when he leaves, but at the same time I guess being "free" again will be nice. I don't trust most boys though. A week before I met Len, last summer, I was sexually assaulted. Len quelled all those feelings of distrust because he's a very special guy, but I'm worried being out in the world without him. I mean, I know I can protect myself. Len isn't possessive so its not like he did much to protect me from other guys. Sometimes when I meet other people I feel like I can trust, I put them in this sort of queue for trying out when Len leaves, just to reassure myself that there are other good people out there. But, I love Len. It's strange to think of having these feelings towards anyone else. I'm scared that when he moves away he'll meet someone better then me, cause I'm sure he can do better. I'll never meet anyone as amazing as he is. I feel that way at least. I guess the most I can hope for is that we'll remain friends and then maybe something can resume when we are less tied up with life. I'm thankful that I get to see him for a little while before he leaves. blah. Anyway. I suppose this happens to a lot of people, if not most, in their lifetimes. my last year of college starts soon. I feel the senioritis creeping up, I don't want to do any more work. But, I want to do well for some reason. Len's straight A's have resulted in me trying to do well too. Last semester I almost got straight A's, and I did well in my summer class as well. I used to think grades were really fucking stupid, and I guess I still do to an extent, but it really feels good to do well. Especially when everyone thought you were a fuck up for so long. I'm getting so nostalgic already. I don't know what the future holds and I'm scared. I just wish life could always be this life on Berwyn, with all these people, living as 21 year olds forever. But I guess we all feel like that. 12:44 p.m. - 2008-08-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||