compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my body is a temple. of doom. So it's been a while. The girl I wanted to go away, well she's my housemate now. We could never be best friends, but I've learned there are a lot of things about her to appreciate. I almost lost my virginity a couple nights ago. I had to fight to keep it. I almost got raped by someone else at the same party, and I made out with this other guy who then called my later at 4 in the morning, and now wants to hang out again.
more on that later. I have this best friend. She is beautiful, and she knows it. She thinks I'm beautiful too, and maybe I am, but its not something that is ingrained in me. She is extroverted, and everyone likes her. Or at least, she thinks everyone likes her. Most people do though, its not far from the truth. So, that guy, that I had a thing with 6 months ago, is still around in my life. We are friends now. I care about him a lot, and theres a part of me that still really likes him, to an extent. Things with my best friend are great, besides the fact that if my best friend and him hook up, I would be crushed. It shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it is. I've already had experience with losing friends because they started to not give a shit about me and started to worship her. It's completely external to our relationship with each other, but it does sort of put a damper on things. I know its not her fault for being at least what other people percieve as one of the greatest people to walk the earth, and me to be what people percieve as someone worthy to walk all over and forget about. But, sometimes, I think that's one of her goals in life, at least subconciously. I mean, to be everyone's favorite. Getting me fucked over by them seems to be an unfortunate side effect. Anyway, I talked to her about it. She was very "of course I would never do that, fuck you for even thinking that I would." which is good, I suppose. I should learn to trust people more, maybe then I would be happier. But its still something I think about from time to time, even though I wish I didn't have to. I also talked to him about it, which surprised me when it stumbled out of me late one night when I couldn't sleep and I felt like the moor of venice. I told him everything. He was really understanding and said he wouldn't go there especially if it would hurt that much. That I can trust him to not do that to me. We went to Atlanta together for a conference, my best friend was the one who organized it, so she was there too of course. It was a really good time, but I could sense tension between us. When we left for the airport and she stayed behind to take care of some things, she gave me a kiss on the lips, and him a kiss on the cheek. It doesn't have to mean anything if I don't make it, I guess. When we got back to DC, I drove him home and we ended up talking about this and other things until late. We held hands for part of the time and he fell asleep in my lap on his hammock. When we were in the kitchen, it was almost an exact scene from when I was there in december. The lighting was the same, he was sitting in the same place, and I was sitting in the same place. he goes, "remember last time this happend? It's been a while..six months." god dammit. We were supposed to hang out this saturday, but I really needed some space, and I suppose he did too, since neither of us really worked that hard to get into contact with the other. I'm sure we'll spend some time together soon. I just saw him this thursday, and it was a great time. This friday was ridiculous. I went to a party at my friends house. I got pretty high. This one guy came up to me and told me I was beautiful then asked if I've ever tried E before. I then told him what E does to your brain, and that I don't feel like it right now. "You're smart as shit.." He had to try some new tactics. He made it the goal of his night to get me downstairs to the dance floor. We were dancing for a while, and then all of a sudden he goes "let me get you a drink" and he turns around and does something for a while. Drinks wern't even around there. Fuck that. I'm not an idiot. You can't roofie me that easily, asshole. This other guy that I hooked up with back in april came back from his cross country trip. At the same party, he kept putting his arm around me and drawing me into him. It felt good, I don't like him that much, but there are things about him I like. We were never anything, really. I don't get emotionally attatched to people I don't know that well that I end up hooking up with. I just go with whatever sexual acts we commit that night, and then generally not want to see them after that. I met this other guy at the party. He had some bud, we came back to my house and got high, and then I told him everyone was downstairs, and I went up to my room because I was done with ridiculousness for that night. He eventually came up to my room, and we talked for a while. He's an actor. He just finished filming for 4 episodes of the HBO tv series. I don't really trust actors. Anyway, I wanted to just be alone, so I pretended I was tired, so he would go away. He wouldn't let me go to sleep though. He kept talking to me. when I finally closed my eyes we started making out. clothes came off and all of a sudden he was going down on me. I will keep all the details because theyre kind of crass, but yeah. He kept trying to "be inside me" but I told him I just broke up with my boyfriend and I'm a virgin. He still kept trying. I had to block myself with my hand. He called me the "queen of blue balls." I felt bad, so I read him a poem from the book that once made me fall in love with somebody else. He wasn't a huge asshole, but he was completely thinking with his cock. he managed to be a little bit inside of me, but really hardly. I didn't hurt the next day, so i know he didn't really get in me. I made him wear a condom, it took him a long time to finally get there, but then when he did we just went to sleep. I was hoping he'd move to a couch because my bed is small, but he wanted to "cuddle." What is with guys I hook up with and then wanting to date me...I don't get it. I don't want to date them. He asked for my number, gave me his, and said we should see a movie tonight. I need my space. I don't know you like that. I miss the trust and respect that came with doing things like this under a relationship. I miss my ex boyfriend. We had a tepid relationship, really. There was a fleeting moment that was amazing, where we liked each other so much. I wanted to lose mny virginity to him, because I liked him as a person, and I trusted him and he was also a virgin. Before I went to Atlanta we almost did, but I didn't want to hurt duringmy whole trip. By the time I came back from Atlanta, his whole life changed and there wasn't space for me in it anymore. Also, he was afraid his parents would find out and he should only be dating "nice jewish girls." I've been sexually frustrated since we broke up, july 4th, which isn't even that long ago. This is probably why I let this whole thing happen. I don't regret it, it wasn't bad, and on the whole I didn't go farther then I had wanted to. I just now all of a sudden feel tired of sex. I'm going to not to this anymore with people I meet at parties. Its not healthy, and then they don't go away. The other guy I hooked up with a while ago, who went cross country, called me yesterday and wanted to go to the pool. It was cute, I suppose. I relate to him on some levels. I make out with him when I'm fucked up, or when I have nothing better to do with myself. He's a nice guy. He has some interesting things to say. I feel like he's not as smart as me though, or at least he's not all there in the way that I am. Theres just some definite blockades between us that would prevent that from ever being something I want to pursue. Also, he has a girlfriend in Colorado. They're in an "open relationship" though. I was working at the local bike shop until I got a better job at this cd place and also a fellowship in dc. There is a guy who works there that is really cute. He has nine fingers, and a heart of gold. On my last day there, we ended up talking a lot, and he's definettely someone I could at least hang out with and talk to on my level. I already quit, but I'm free to come in this wednesday because it would be my official last day. I kind of want to show up so I could get his number. I may just do that. I don't know. I'm lonely. I've felt that way for a while. 12:16 p.m. - 2007-07-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||