compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i'm the same as I was when I was six years old it's been a long time since I showed anyone this journal. I don't know if I'll ever show it to anyone again. sometimes i wish i was more open with my feelings. I wonder why or how people like me when I'm not saying anything and only thinking everything. I hate really quiet people. Sometimes that's me. maybe people can see my thoughts. it always surprises me how well people know me. Maybe they can hear them. I probably walk around with my heart on my sleeve and i don't even know it. .. he's still with that girl, i'm pretty sure they have a lot of sex. I don't think I want him anymore. It's a shame, cause I really liked him. I guess most of my frustration with the situation is that i was left high and dry, and that now he's with a really stupid and unnattractive girl. Blah blah blah. Theres nothing I can do about it. I should just let it go. I'm trying to. I just wish we could be better friends. Maybe one day things will pan out nicely. he told me he doesn't know what will happen, that we could end up together again. I don't know. I guess no one ever knows what will happen, in any way shape or form, with any situation. Theres some comfort and anxiety in that. All I should expect is something absurd. the girl he lost his virginity to and me have been becoming friends. It's funny, because that is sort of how we met. But it's not nearly as much about him as he would like to think. we escaped from her house that her landlord was occupying, and went to a real diner in the suburbs of dc, where we played patsy cline on the jukebox and exchanged stories about our respective lives. She gave me the tour of where she grew up, she showed me the meadow of fireflies where her and him fell in love years ago, and across the street from there where she would have sex with another boyfriend later on. I've been staring down a lot of people's huge, sad, gaping lives lately. I can't stop listening to sun kil moon and remembering how we made out to their cover of neverending math equation. It was just about the most natural and comfortable thing that has ever happend to me. That song felt like it summed up my entire life, like I had been born for that moment with our lips together. I don't even know why. It was just a song. and it was just a kiss. I don't know what he thinks anymore, but I know I don't want him as much as he thinks I do, anymore. I do wish things would work out though. I suppose they will, eventually. I also just kind of want that girl to go away. She doesn't know who she is and it's fucking with my psyche having her constantly around. I need to stop thinking about them. I really do. My life is completely separate and different. I am infinitely happier being myself and living my life then thinking about being her in an empty head and trying to emulate substance. At least I don't have to do that. Idon't know why I constantly need someone to fixate on. I really wish I didn't. 4:35 p.m. - 2007-03-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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