compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oh to live on sugar mountain okay, so i've been back at school for about a month now, almost a month. meh. It's been going okay. Our room is a lot nicer this semester, Armida got us a couch. Right now i'm really hungry but I'd rather sit here and not eat then go outside in the cold. its not even that its really all that cold outside, I just refuse to be reminded that it is still winter time. I'd rather avoid that idea altogether.. plus the wisdom tooth that i was supposed to have removed january 3rd (but my dad cancled the appointment) hurts like hell right now. the diner is the last place I want to be. So Aaron is semi-back with Evie now, apparently they hooked up over break, and he broke down this weekend and took a flight all the way to washington state to be with her over the weekend. I doubt he's even back yet. If he is he's probably depressed because he's not with her anymore, and has locked himself in his room. I don't know what to think about that. I mean evie really seemed like a great girl, and the only reason they arn't technically together is because of the middle part of the country that's between them. But I dunno, I really don't blame him, and I know I really have no right to be upset about it, since me and him were never technically, or even otherwise (maybe only in a vague sense, but even thats pushing it), together. So I guess in a way i'm happy for him. I also feel bad for him that his life must be in such a mess right now because of that situation, but I'm also jealous of both of them because he has someone he loves, and she has aaron, and really, from what i've seen, the distance has only drove them crazy, not made them not love each other anymore.. The only thing that upsets me about the whole thing is that he doesn't talk to me nearly as much as we used to. I mean i've just become everyone else to him, I think..Maybe not, but I think. Which sort of leads me to beleive we never were "just friends", that maybe I was some sort of evie stand-in for a time. And it would have felt better then to know that, then now to feel like i've just broken up with somebody without ever having the joy of feeling like I was ever with them in the first place. I don't know, I hope we can remain friends. Maybe his distance is simply because he's upset with his life right now, and i'm not exactly someone he can talk to about that (since he knows I like him)..I don't really know. I'm tired of analyzing everything. He's a good guy and I'm glad if he's happy, I'd just wish he'd talk to me like we used to, and I don't see why that isn't happening, given that we were "just friends" this entire time. I really miss crissy A lot. Whenever I was sad, and would give me a hug and tell me how I'm really pretty and how she didn't like to see my pretty face sad. Regardless if thats a lie of not, thats irrelevant. What matters is that she would sort of hit the core of why I'm sad, that I feel like I'm an ugly person (in more ways then one), and it would somewhat make me feel better. I also just miss the rap music being blasted out of our room, and the spontaneous pot sessions. And obviously, I miss crissy. It makes me feel like crying just thinking about all that, and I don't know why. Not that Armida is a bad roommate at all. We are pretty similar, except we deal with bad emotions differently. I like to talk to my friends about it, or make fun of myself while I end up crying about it at the same time, or later when no one is around. She likes to not talk to anyone and avoid contact with human beings until she is better, I think. I haven't seen her in more then 24 hours for this reason. I honestly have no idea where she is. Last night (morning) i called her at 3 something AM and she said she was "at someone's apartment".. This weekend was pretty crazy. I attended a party with my favorite bel air kids (minus aaron of course), and we all got drunk. Brad and Tamana and I had a drunken boomerang session, and it was beautiful. During the course of the night however, I had three depressing conversations, and two of them involved lots of tears. In Vino Veritas, as the latin phrase goes. I don't know what the fuck is up from down anymore. I went to bed last night at 12, got up at three saying "what the fuck" as I woke up, looked around, did homework and then went back to bed around 5. yeaah. I fucked up an easy sudoku puzzle today, I hope my brain isn't atrophing. Speaking of which, I got a slim, sexy little black 30GB iPod, whome I named rufus (not after wainwright, just rufus). I don't really know how I feel about it yet. It kind of disturbs me how small it is, and I don't know if I like bringing all my music everywhere I go with me, because I like to think of music as somewhere I can escape to, and I don't want it adulterated by the rest of my life, especially in the mornings around classes. I guess I'll get used to it though..I dunno. I got a cover for it that I want to cover in stickers, because people always keep their iPods too clean and everyone's looks the same. I mean, I dunno. maybe not. The stickers won't even be on the actual iPod, so its not like i'm even doing anything that wierd. yeah. I'm writing about stickers on my iPod in my journal...where has my soul gone? 5:16 p.m. - 2006-02-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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