compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ................................. haa. so i just read the last entry, and i realize i sound like a sniveling middle schoolgirl idiot for most of it. I guess its hard trying to say why I feel a certain way without talking about what happens, and its hard to talk about what happens when so much (mostly trivial crap) ends up happening between the times I write in here. I feel like I can't write like a normal person anymore. Everything just comes out and sounds like crap. Nothing i say ends up sounding like the way I want it to. I guess that's just because my brain cells have been depleted by college. Or something. meh. I've only known the people here for two months. But I guess its different then any other circumstance, since i do live with these people. I like my roommate a lot. But she's going back to Tulane next semester. Which sucks, for me. I don't know. Maybe i just have an unreasonable fear of abandonment (or maybe a reasonable one). I don't feel like any of my friends are people that I can trust. Not that theres anything wrong with them, i just don't trust anyone. And I wish that I did, sometimes. I guess I just put my trust in the wrong people or something. So a friend of mine is mad because I made a cartoon of her smoking a cigarette. which she does. Nothing to be taken seriously. But she was offended. I guess it is my fault since i didn't know she would take it that way. meh. a couple friends of mine told me that i interrupt them a lot, and they were mad at me for it. meh. this is like highschool again. I guess its not a big deal. I apologized and am more aware of what i'm doing. I guess with anyone there are going to be problems. I just feel very out of everything going on around me. I guess my best friend here is aaron, which probably sounds stupid since i do like him so much. But i don't think I would like him as much as i do if I didn't like him so much as a person/friend. I dont know. If i tried to explain why I like him so much I'll probably just end up sounding stupid and writing crap in here for an hour or something. I really ought to stop thinking about him so much. I think its effecting a lot of things. I mean, maybe not. I'm sure if I wasn't thinkign about aaron i'd find some other distraction to keep me away from my work. Probably just feeling sorry for myself. So maybe this is better. i mean, i dunno. the other day i really tried to convince myself that there was nothing between us, just so i could be sane for a minute. It only made me really depressed. meh. I've been trying to relax lately. I missed meditation today. I was looking forward to it since friday, and then i just happend to glance at the time and it was 20 minutes into the meeting, so I couldn't go. meh. I need to calm down. But I think when I'm too calm its also a problem. I feel like I throw all my cares and responsibilities out to sea and then its almost impossible for me to find the motivation to look for them and remember that I actually am under pressure most of the time. I mean, this IS college. pressure and trying to relax. liking someone too much and trying to be sane. trying to better myself and hating everybody. meh. How do people deal with life? Not that I'm complaining. Life is good. I like life. It's just, how am I ever going to live in the real world if I get so confused and can't deal with this college shit. I dunno. today at our scholars class, aaron came in and sat behind me. At first I didn't get to say hi to him and then felt guilty like an idiot, only to finally force something out of myself later on. I dunno. I feel like we're beyond this stupid small talk crap. But then I overanalyze it and hope/wonder if he does or doesnt feel the same way, if he thinks i'm not talking to him for a reason, or if maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me. I mean, i'm a spaz. see? this whole paragraph makes no sense, and here I am of course on a random nervous tangent about aaron. finally he was like...amy....i think i'm just a really negative person. I really don't want to be in here right now, and i know that no one wants to, but its hard for me to act like I do want to be here. I dont know. I see where he's coming from, but I don't have any sage advice that i wish i had to give him. I feel like that too sometimes. Not today, but sometimes. I guess maybe he's depressed. Not to the point of killing himself I don't think, just to the point of being extremely cynical, but in a very defeated way rather then an angry way. I dont know. I can relate, so I never know what to say. Sometimes i feel like maybe I can't relate, and then i feel like i'm the one who doesn't understand him, which is usually not the place i'm in. Its a weird feeling that almost feels worse then being misunderstood. I mean, i think i understand. maybe. I just feel like maybe i'm just another person contributing to him feeling crappy all the time. I mean..meh. maybe not. I don't know. I don't know whats ever going on anymore 10:37 p.m. - 2005-11-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||