compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 40 oz to freedom wow..So I haven't updated this thing in a month. I doubt anyone reads it, but this is probably worth updating.. oh good old greenfest, my last entry. good times. anyway..Aaron and I have hung out a lot since then. The next weekend he asked me to a slam poetry show and his other friend aaron came as well. ha..so many people with the same name. anyway. it was a good time. but then it was rosh hashannah and i ended up not seeing him for five days and then being sick (which both him and i were becoming) for the rest of the weekend. But when I finally saw him on wednesday he told me that he missed me. The weekend after that, I think it was, we went to see a movie with a few random people in our dorm. This girl Joanna that went with us stopped me the next day in the bathroom to tell me how she thinks aaron likes me and how its really cute. We saw thumbsucker, it was better then i suspected, and Aaron and I talked about random things semi having to do with the movie for a while. Then he asked me if I wanted to hang out in his room, he showed me clips of a movie that he was making that he hasn't shown anyone else before, as well as footage from uzbekistan, where he lived with his sister (whos in the peace corps) for three months making a documentary. I think this guy is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Its not really just all the places he's been and what he's done, he's geniunely an amazing person. I wish I could sit here and write about all the little nuances we have or our diner conversations that sometimes go on for hours, or how we can sit in silence as well and still be comfortable (i think). ha. i mean..i dunno. Last weekend he wasn't here. it was his mom's birthday so he went home. But I still had some sort of fun with other people. I got to see him sunday night though. I start getting antsy when I don't see him for a couple of days, which I know is ridiculous. I really really start to miss the kid. a lot. And I feel stupid cause i guess i've only known him for not even two months now, but..i dunno. okay, so i'm totally enamoured with him. Everyone in our dorm knew this. So last monday me and him and a couple other people went to the diner, and this other girl and i were sort of mumbling in regards to me liking him (not never mentioning it), and then he wanted to know what we were talking about. I sarcastically was like YOU. But I mean..even though it was. sort of. He was like.."well obviously" but then dropped it. After the girl left and me and him were still there he asked me what we were talking about and how he knew it was about him. I told him that it wasn't really about him, only sort of about him. I know. I'm an idiot. Then he was like..We're not in third grade anymore Amy. I'm almost 20 years old. Don't play stupid little games with me. so yeah. I couldn't tell him then because I wasn't mentally prepared. But I started to feel bad. I started to feel like I was keeping a stupid secret (that he probably knew about) from someone that I really like as a person and as a friend as well, and I started to feel shitty about it. So I made the decision to tell him. By wednesday it finally came out. We were sitting on the benches by the dorm late at night in what was this time awkward silence (well it seemed so to me at least). And i knew this was my opportunity to tell him. So it came out pretty awkwardly. I was like..so i was thinking about what you said the other day about acting like a stupid little kid, and so I'm sure you already know what it is and I don't even have to tell you that..And he still acted like he didn't know until i was like..I..like...you. haaa. Man this IS pretty fucking third grade of me. I mean, I don't know how else to say it, and its not like I can help how I feel. ugh. I know I probably sound stupid just in me writing this. So he says that he was "totally oblivious.." obviously sarcasticaly, and asks me if I want to go to the diner, and we go and talk about other random things on the way there, as if this didn't just happen. So we get there, he gets icecream. He asks me if I want some and I don't have a spoon so he lets me have some with his. Which I know I'm reading into too much but seemed like a very couple-ish thing to do. I mean..You don't share your icecream spoon with just ANYONE. hahaha. God I'm a loser. So he was like.."what do we do now Amy?"..I don't know what this means. Then he tells me how he has the tendency to get fucked up in relationships and how they end up consuming his life, and how he had one girl in high school since he was 15, broke up with her and went to israel and then was with a girl there until when they left for college. And now he wants to be single for a while so he can know himself without any emotional attatchments. Which actually makes sense, I can sort of see where he's coming from. he pretty much hasn't been without some sort of girlfriend since he was 15. And now he's 19. And that is a long time. So then I asked him if he liked me and he was like "well...no." hahaha. This sucked. I mean, i dont know. Between all the things that he's said and done, all the discussions we've had about relationships and such, he seemed like he liked me at least in a very potential sense of the word. Like, i mean, i would have guessed that he did like me but maybe wasn't ready to go out with anyone right now, or something like that. Its just dissapointing, i'm not sure if I believe it even though I guess I have to. He did say then though that he likes me a lot as a friend, that he beleives that every relationship is different and that ours is unique, and that our relationship doesn't have to be classified as "going out with" or "not going out with". That it can be what it is in its own right. Which I think is true. But it doesn't change the fact that I really like him. But we ended up talking for about two hours about our past relationships and such. He said that he hopes that we can still be friends after this, that it isn't a big deal in the sense that it doesn't have to change our dynamic at all. That he kind of knew the whole time but was 'obviously delusional', and that its better that I told him because now we can be more open with each other. And i'm glad I told him too for the same reason. I also feel like my part of this is done, in the sense that if he ever ends up liking me, the burden is on him to do something about it, because he knows now how I feel. Not that I'm counting on that to be anytime soon if even at all, i'm just saying. I mean..I don't know. I know that I shouldn't "wait" for him, and I don't plan on it. But at the same time, I can't help how I feel and it wasn't like I was actively looking for someone to like in the first place. I'm obviously open to new people or whatever, and anything can happen but its not like i'm out to get rebound. I mean its not like we were dating in the first place I guess. I mean..I dont know. But yeah. So I don't think our friendship has changed much if at all. Actually, now i'm a lot less nervous to call him or go and visit him. The next day I asked him to the diner, and we went and ran into this kid andrew that lives in our dorm too, whos really cool. We all got in this discussion about politics, and it was weird when andrew would leave to get more food because he was like half the conversation. But I think this had more to do with what we were talking about and all then us being awkward. On friday my roomie got me high for the first time which was probably my subconcious coping method of being rejected (which i'm sure wouldve hurt a lot more had it been anyone else but aaron). Aaron called though about a party that night, and wanted to leave with me. He spotted me for my drinks, and asked my opinion on a last minute present for the birthday boy. I got so wasted that night. Aaron and I teamed up and played beer pong, only it was actually my first time playing and I have no natural talent whatsoever, so I lost it for us. But he wasn't mad or anything. We sat around and talked and got fuucked up. But yeah. Then I started throwing up. My roomie and her boyfriend and Aaron all took care of me though, and this time I threw up in places that arn't that gross. Think empty cup, toilet, front lawn (but i dont remember the front lawn part). After Aaron left the party I blacked out, but I remember coming back to the dorm and crashing in the lounge. I met some people in there, and I heard Aaron telling a mutual friend that I had been a "bad girl" that night, but he sounded slightly amused and only a little concerned and not at all mad like the last time I drank too much at senior week. A little while after that he took me to my room and made sure I got to bed alright and wished me a goodnight and all. I mean. It was nice. I remember in tenth grade my english teacher telling a story of a girl he was friends with in college, and tucking her in one night when she got completely trashed, and I remember then really hoping for a guy friend like that in college. I mean Aaron didn't exactly tuck me in or anything, but it reminded me of that, and I'm really glad I have him around. He's like my really really really good friend. I mean not like..I dunno. I'm okay with being friends right now. Maybe this is all wishful thinking or just a refusal to move on, but I feel like maybe he likes me but doesn't want to feel pressured into a relationship yet, which I totally understand. I guess it would be kind of weird to already go out with someone, especially someone like him whos only had two long term girlfriends, that only ended because of geographical and not personal problems. I mean not that I wouldn't want a long relationship with someone like him, but it seems in order to want that commitment both of us would have to know each other for a bit longer. And I'm not saying i'm going to wait around, nor do I have any intentions. I dont know. I guess it just makes me feel better. I mean I could be wrong, who knows. See, the thing is that like, if I need to get over him I know I will. I'll eventually move on. But people telling me that I have to move on or conciously trying to "move on" will not work. I think all I can do is enjoy what we do have together and not try to change my feelings. They will go away if they have to, or they will stay if they have to. I'm not entirely heart broken at all. I mean, I don't know. He still seems like one of the most awesome people that i've ever met. well I guess there are side notes too. his ex from high school goes here, which kind of makes me nervous. But i dunno. he told me that they never hang out, and didn't really keep in touch for the year when he was in israel, so i dunno. We've run into her a couple of times though. Which was weird. She's not very attractive, and she's very average, in a not so good way. I mean I dunno, half of what i think is probably just because i'm jealous and am being excessively judgemental. But I don't see how he could have been with her for three years. I mean, whatever, its in the past so I guess I can't really complain. yeah. But I haven't seen him since that night. Which i kind of feel bad about cause like..I mean I don't even know. A family friend is in the hospital and it has me really worried. he broke his arm and his hip when he fell because he's old, and then his prostate cancer started acting up. after that his heart rate went up and he stopped eating, and now he's in the hospital. I visited him today, which was nice. He seemed to be doing well, but he's also the type of person to let on that he's doing well when he actually may or may not be. I don't know. I'm just worried. hopefully he'll be okay though. I dont know. I say that a lot. He's just one of the coolest people in the world and i'm glad that I know him, and I really reallly hope he'll be okay. I don't think I can write like a college student anymore. I think i've become dumber. I totally forgot i had signed up for a field trip that was this friday and just didn't go (instead i was high and then later got trashed), so now I feel like an idiot. i really need someone to remind me of events and dates. How am I going to be in the real world? somehow I feel like I could sleep through armageddon or something. I mean..ugh. I don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. And I have a test tomorrow. I can't bring myself to study. Still. and its two o clock. I htink i'll just go to sleep and study in the morning. It's all in my notes and the test is at two. meh. at least i've calmed down enough to be able to sleep. all this writing is theraputic. or just tiring. 12:41 a.m. - 2005-10-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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