compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- under pressure wow. I was typing this big thing and now its gone. I hate IE. don't use it. netscape is better. anyway. So I finally talked to ben today. RELIEF. relief. But so yeah. it wasn't anything spectacular, but it wasn't bad either. We talked for about a half an hour, I felt like there was so much that I wanted to tell him that I couldn't, or that either came off as rambly trivial stories better left untold. But our conversation wasn't too far from how they used to be. it was just like talking to him had that whole conversation of us being "just friends" hadn't happend. I dunno. I think sometimes with him I make the mistake of telling him exactly what I'm thinking (besides the obvious holy shit im nervous and still totally in love with you), which is usually incomplete or something i later realize shouldnt have been told, and then instead I end it with something really lame. It may or may not be annoying. Next time I'm going to try to conciously listen more and talk less, unless he doesn't have anything to say. But i feel like I want to hear more about him anyway. I just want to fill what may or may not be awkward silence. Which is probably annoying... example: So i was telling him about my canadian step cousins. Some of what I said actually managed to spark conversation, but then I realized that it would def be weird to go into how i talked to one of them all night and how cute he was, so i changed it to telling him how afraid they are of bugs, which I thought was really funny. It obviously ended up being a really lame story that didn't even get a laugh out of him. Not that I blame him though. I probably wouldve annoyed as well, which unsettles me. I dunno. I guess I'm just nervous. Our conversation wasn't a total bust though, he told me about how he saw the Island, which was okay, and how he saw Spinal Tap, which was funny, and he explained to me the premise of spinal tap. We also talked about how americans wear their shirts larger then peoplpe in other countries, as well as the fact that a lot of them are fatter, which may or may not be why the sizing differs here as oposed to...canada. long story. But anyways, so he did talk. I just wish I had heard more about him and less of my voice. I dunno. I think I just need to relax. If I relax I will be less nervous, if I'm less nervous I'll be less inclined to say things that I later think are stupid and annoying, and if I do that less I'll probably feel like he likes me more. I dunno. I'm going to try that next time we talk. But, I have faith that we'll be friends again. Right now I think it's mostly up to me though. I think both of us understand that right now is a kind of fragile nexus in our relationship and I think he feels better if he doesn't touch it and I just try to deal with it. I think I can do it, as long as I relax and have the confidence in him that he doesn't hate me or anything (which is what I've been agonizing over for the past few days.."does he even care to talk to me again?")...haha.."fragile nexus". I am so melodramatic. Well..to give myself credit, I don't think there is any way I could have been less nervous on that phone call, given it was the first time we talked in a while. But the nice thing is, when we started talking it didn't feel like we hadn't talked ina long while. And that is how it should be. I just need to fix myself in regards to him, and I think I can do it. I think we can be friends again. I just need to relax..
6:21 p.m. - 2005-08-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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