compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- somebody to love yeah. All of a sudden I feel like I hate everything. I can't wait to go to college just so I can get away from this. I feel like I haven't hung out with anyone in forever. Yesterday I hung out with lacey cass and cassies friend nikita. Actually they probably wernt going to initially invite me but I ran into them at this salon place, and then they asked me about it, which was nice of them. Lace kind of just gets on my nerves now though. Maybe its because I'm angry in general, but everything she said just got to me. Cassie and Niki were cool though. I dunno. The whole time I was bummed in general and felt left out. We went to the pool. But anyway.. Yesterday was also supposed to be the big day where I talk to Ben again and hopefully resume a friendship. I called, but he didnt answer. Instead I got his answering machine thing that said he'd be out of town for a while, blah blah blah leave a message. So I left one. I figure he really is still gone since he had that message thing, but I was kind of dissapointed since I was waiting to talk to him yesterday for like two weeks. But yeah. Hopefully he calls me back. It was nice hearing his voice again though, as pathetic as that sounds. I think I figured out the real reason why I get so upset about psuedo relationships like Ben in the first place. Even though we were hardly physical, I think its because I enjoy being special to someone. I haven't had a best friend since middle school, and that ended in her deciding that she hates me. I just want to have someone that I can be exclusive to, that trusts/likes me in some way, any way, more then other people. I hate being just another dispensable person. I just want to be important to someone. So whenever theres someone like Ben who I really like and who i think likes me, it makes me feel like I may be somewhat important to them. And when we become "just friends", it feels like i've lost all importance to them. I mean, i dunno. I guess I'd take friendship. I probably am in some way one of Ben's closest friends, I thought I was at least. I really really hope he calls me back when he gets my message. Maybe feeling like crap is a good thing right now. Maybe i'll meet some people in college that actually like me. that would be nice. 6:47 p.m. - 2005-08-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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