compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wouldn't it be nice So I just came back from my dad's new house today. I was there since Friday. It was almost like a vaction, actually. No TV, no Internet. I actually didn't mind at all. It bought a lot of time to sit back peacefully. Although at times it was boring, it was a change of scenery. When you look out the windows its like nothing you see around my (moms) house: cows, pastures, you get excited if you even see a person in the distance. And my step cousins were also there, two boys. Theyre pretty cool. The younger one was cool but fucking annoying sometimes. haha. But I liked him like how i'd like it if I actually had a little brother. The older one, whos my age but skipped a grade and is now in his second year of college (so he's sort of...socially older then me) was pretty cool. We both sat around reading our scifi books, and both last night and the night before stayed up till wee hours of the morn talking about college and life and relationships and such. Isn't it a little wrong to be slightly attracted to one's step cousin? hahaha. Admittedly I always found him kind of cute the past two times ive seen him (ive only seen him twice before over the course of 5 or 6 years), but this time we made that whole connection thing. haha. I dunno, it was kind of a cross between how me and ben were initially, and a close brothersister type friendship. Not that you can really get that close to someone in a few days. Of course I also have enough sense to not ACTUALLY like him like that, since he does live in toronto and then everytime i'd see him it would be awkward, and who wants that anyway. But he's a cool guy. We talked about Ben, and he gave me some advice, but also told me not to take anyone's advice and do what I want and learn from it. Basically he said that I should ask him what went wrong and if i still have the impression that he hasn't stopped liking me, actually make a move on him. He said from his experience, that when he *really* likes a girl, sometimes he sees how he could pull a Ben, in that he likes her too much to disrespect her by forcing her into anything too early. Maybe that was part of Ben's problem, but who knows. After some...introspection and talking with my step cous, I've decided to just talk to Ben as friends in a couple of days, and not ask him anything more about the breakup until a while from now if we're still in touch (I really hope we will be). I figure it will only upset me if I find out he really doesnt like me anymore, and it will only be harder to move on when we go to college if I find out that he does still like me. So I figure, be friends, leave it alone. One day when the topic is less sensitive and we're secure in our friendship (or whatever we have), maybe I'll ask him then. But really, I guess it doesnt matter too much right now. The fact is that a long distance relationship for us is out of the question since its hard enough for him when he's here to communicate on the girlfriend/boyfriend level, and it will only get harder when he's in ohio. Also, from talking to my step cous, I realize that I'm bound to meet guys with the same attractive qualities of Ben in college, just maybe a bit less socially inept. Like my step cousin, he was a lot like Ben in a few ways. Of course, not a like in some other ways, but I still would've hit that if he wasn't my canadian step cousin. So, as he said and as I've thought, life will go on. I'll be okay. I hope Ben and I can be friends though. I guess I'll find out in a couple of days. Man, I have that canadian accent stuck in my head now. Haha. It was releiving to have my stepmother's family there. They were all really nice and actually defended me when she got really angry at me for trying on and bending some bangles and didnt fit her and that she was going to give to goodwill or throw in the trash anyway (??). They all asked me to try it on..but. yeah whatever it doesnt really matter. They also gave me a hell of a lot of money, for what reason I don't know. I felt guilty accepting it but I would've felt stupid now if I hadnt taken it. I'm still confused as to why, but whatever. Money's money. ha, and apparently I'm always looking like someone. My stepmom's mom, I'll just call her nanigi, thought I looked like one of her grandchildren. My step cousin, the one I was just talking about, thought I looked like the brown version of Veronica Mars, some random show on the WB that i've never seen. I guess I'll take all of that as compliments. So, my mom got a job. Isn't it funny how when something in your life is not right anymore (Ben), other things start fixing themselves? (my mom getting a job, my cd burner starting to work, my dad and v finally moving into a house theyve been talking about for years, etc etc) I guess it's consolation. Although it would be nice to have everything perfect for just for a moment, Its definettely better then everything going wrong all at once. Man, I am so proud of my level-head. How come my sanity is so inconsistent? 9:21 p.m. - 2005-08-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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