compie's Diaryland Diary

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rollin and tumblin

Well..so yeah. about that night, in my last entry. So finally ben called me back. he saiiid that he only found out about the show that night, but i'm not sure if that was true. Anyway when he explained it i didnt feel as bad as i did about not going, although i still regret it a little bit but whatever, it didn't really matter. I still wouldve been nice if amanda gave a shit to at least want to hang out with me and ask me..but it wasnt an invitation only thing anyway so i can't really blame myself.

oh yeah, and ben and I broke up.

Everyone thinks I haven't gone crazy about it. Oh, but I have. But just like how Ben is, I can only have the same reaction as he did to the whole event, which was locking up my lunacy in a little metal box in the center of my soul...or something like that. Here's how it played out:

(me driving him home back from spencer's after we visited...)
me: "ben...do you like me?"
him: "what do you mean?"
me: "well like are we going out..or are we just friends?"
him: "well I dunno.....I think we're just friends (he said it in this really odd tone, like this little fake have a nice day sort of shit)"
me: "well yknow, i've been sort of confused since people say we're going out and you never say that we're not or anything."
him: "well thats not the first time that's happend. people thought sam and i were going out. that was terrible" (sam is this girl that he never even liked as a friend and who was really annoying)
me: "well isnt that a bit different?! i'm not sam.."
him: "yeah but I dunno."
me: "wait so i'm still confused here. what about when I told you i liked you and you asked me if we were going out...so we were never going out?!"
him: "we were...but things changed."
me: "so you don't like me anymore?"
him: "that sounds really bad.."
me: "but its what you're trying to say.."
him: "I dunno."
me: "so let me get this straight...you liked me..and we were going out."
him:"yeah"
me: "...but we're not anymore."
him:"yeah"
me: (after a couple minutes of silence...) "so you don't like me anymore? that's dissapointing. you know, you should tell me these things."
him: "heh...sorry."
and then he made idle conversation about some bullshit that didnt really matter.

yeah, and "dissapointing" is an understatement. I guess in general though I figured the day would come, i mean even a perfectly healthy relationship that only got started a few months before probably couldnt survive college anyway. So it's better that it happend now and not in college when it would be harder to remain friends or even keep in touch. It's not nearly as bad as seth, which I can appreciate.

I'm still kind of wondering who broke up with whom. It was like..I guess he dumped me. But I kind of had to drag it out of him and even then he seemed completely unsure about what he was saying.

The main reason I'm not driving myself crazy in self pity is that I'm just tired of feeling that way. The seth thing wasnt that long ago, then before that was the jon thing, although that was a year ago. basically i've had to go through this same shit every six months. I mean, it was all quite different. jon's situation was different then seth's and they were both different then ben's. But still. I dunno. I do hope that we can end up being friends after this and that we can keep in touch in college. But I dunno..The whole idea of keeping in touch has lost its charm when I think about how he doesn't even try sometimes. I mean he's a great guy, but like all peopple when you get to know him, i mean really know him, its a little dissapointing. I'm sure i'm dissapointing too when you get to know me. But then main thing about ben, when you get to relaly know him, you find out that you never really get to know him. I mean theres a certain point in which he blocks all people from entering. At first it seems like mystery, but after a while it comes off more as cowardice and inexperience. At first, both being shy and innocent, can come off as charming. But you can only be shy and innocent for so long. The total lack of desire not to be anything more is what makes him a little bit of a coward. I mean, just how I had to almost force him to break up with me...I mean. what the fuck was that anyway.
According to my friends, who basically all said the same thing, it wasn't that he doesn't like me anymore, its that since he's so inexperienced he doesn't know how to handle a relationship, and pretty much got bored with the idea of trying. I'm pretty sure that's what it is as well. I mean he couldnt even really break up with me in proper fashion. I love him though, as a friend. he is an amazing guy, deep down. he's just confused, like most teenagers. All teenagers. In some ways confused in the same way, and in some ways confused in totally weird ways. I would go on about how we'll be good friends forever and one day we'll find ourselves and get married and have cute little babies. But yeah, I think that's what I thought about jon and seth, and honestly I wouldnt mind if both of them completely vanished off the face of the earth. I mean, not in the bad way as if i wish they'd go away. But in the indifferent way. I don't care about them. At all. They might as well be strangers now. If I saw them starving on the street i'd bring them home and give them food because I do know them..But that's the only difference between them and strangers (strangers I would think twice cause one of them could be an axe murderer or somthing). I mean..Yeah. So honestly I don't know how this whole Ben and I thing will play out in the end. I do hope that we are still friends though, because basically our whole relationship was just like...only a little more intense then a good friendship. And if we can have a good friendship when together we might as well have a good friendship still. I mean, I dunno. It would be nice if he would call me, but I highly doubt that will happen. I just plan to call him after he goes and comes back from vacation (he's going to virginia on sunday for ten days). I'm going to miss caring secretely and deeply about him, like well, I still do, cause you can't just turn that sort of shit on and off. I'm going to miss calling him everyday, but maybe one day we'll be good enough friends that i'll be doing that again, but maybe not, who knows. I'll miss how he looked at me and I felt all those blues and solid rock that he introduced me to, the seducing sound of raw music that I felt like he must have been thinking about with such a subject like love. Or prom, how endearing it was that he was a terrible dancer. Even senior week when I found out that he cared about me that much when I got messed up. It was all sweet. It felt like I was getting water from a stone. But I guess that's all it was in the end, a stone. It was a miracle I got as much out of him as I did. I got him to admit that we went out, and we did. And I'm sure that i'm his first girlfriend. So theres an accomplishment. I dunno. I wish he could be as passionate as the music he listens to, but I guess that's where he keeps all of his emotions, in his CDs and somewhere deep in his brain.

speaking of which, the music he got me into is pretty much the only thing keeping me sane right now. My burner started working again, which is a little consolation. I had just checked out nine or ten blues cds from the library the day before we broke up. So now I can burn them all, and it's exciting.My room right now, with the addition of 50 blank cds from office depot on sale, looks like a massacre. I always have my friends, Jimi, Dylan, Paul and Art, Clapton, Lou Reed, Skip James, Mr. Plant...I have them to help me feel better. And if I don't think about it hard enough that's actually quite comforting. Theyre our mutual friends, mediating what went wrong between him and I (I actually don't think anything did). Maybe one day we will become good friends and like each other again, but I know that won't be anytime soon, and theres no point in me saying it either way because anything at all can happen. The possibility is a little bit of a comfort though. I like it when love's not ultimately in vain.

In some ways, i'm glad to be single again. Although it makes me feel like shit, for lack of better term, it makes me feel free. Being with someone feels like you always had to identify with them. In some ways you become them and they become you. Which is nice, until you feel like being independent again. I want to be my own unique person, and I know ben does too. Right now I think we're both better off single, at this point in our lives at least, for this reason. Neither of us is the type of person to date someone just entirely for self serving purposes, which is the only way to keep one's identity completely in tact in a relationship during teenagerhood. And we're both going off to college, quite far from each other. If things were falling apart in maryland, it only wouldve crumbled given the distance. But I do hope our friendship can survive through everything that will and has happend.

One more thing, since now we're broken up I can get a few things off my chest about Ben. He is a cool guy and all, but it annoys me how much cynicism he has for socially normal things. I'm not saying we should all blindly accept social norms, but that doesnt mean theyre all completely bullshit. Like he was talking about going to hell house (this supposedly haunted place), lighting a fire and dancing around it to taunt any higher being, because according to him there is no such thing. Yeah, okay. Why even bother if you don't beleive in it. He said "well if I make any higher being angry, at least they'll notice me. I got that from chuck." Chuck as in mr. palahnuik (the guy who wrote fight club) yeah okay that's all good and dandy, but that was only there to show the jadedness of the characters, not to be some quoted mantra by someone like Ben who is a lot smarter then that. It was slightly pretentious, is all. And yes, Ben is a very intelligent guy, you could probably classify him as a genius. But really he's not any better then anyone else because of that. Sure he's read probably ten times the amount of books that I have. And yeah, that does give him more depth and build on his intelligence and character, but he already thinks he knows some big secret that the world isn't in on. Well, heres a big secret: its bullshit. Everything he's ever experienced, and everything everyone's experienced, has been made by someone else. His music wasn't written by him, neither are any of the books written by him. He may have all the knowledge in him, but that doesnt mean he's the only one capable of that. I don't know how to describe it. he's a very smart guy with a lot of admirable characteristics, but some of it you find out isn't real...

for example, out of all the places he's been in the books he's read and the music he's listens to, this little indian girl who's read less then half of what he has and probably watches too much tv, is about ten times braver then he is and probably will be. *I* was the one that had the balls to ask the questions leading to the birth and demise of our relationship, I was the one with the courage to put my heart on the line, twice. Somehow, through all that he has learned, he still hasn't learned a lot of things. I'm not saying that i'm any smarter then he is, I know I'm not, but I'm sure you see where I'm going with all of this.

There are some things he denies but then later suggests. Well, for one, our relationship. Two, his whole thing about how he "doesnt care how he looks." He's always talking about how he doesnt care about how his hair looks, but I distinctly remember the day after prom when it was straight and all over the place and he kept telling us "not to look at his hair." And I mean, its understandable that he woudl care a little about the way he looks, its only human. But to deny that and try to act like he's better then that, which he isn't, is annoying. Yeah he's not a little bitch that spends 8 hours in front of the mirror, but he's like the rest of us. He's going to be uncomfortable if he feels like he's less attractive then he usually is. And then of course with the drug thing. He'll talk about it as if he's really above it all, but then goes and does it. The only reason he won't smoke pot now is because the last time he tried he went into shock and was hospitalized. I mean I'm still glad he doesnt do it, or at least does it less then most people. But i definettely remember the conversation him and I had at sarah and desmonds on our first real date date. I think I even wrote an entry about it.
And then the beard thing. I think its cool that he's growing it out, I mean I don't really care although it would be nice to see his face from time to time, and it must be kind of uncomfortable in the hot humid summer. That's just it. You know he's dying under all that, but he wants to have the "i'm too awesome to care" thing going on, and while it is true and may work sometimes, he overdoes it. He would be more COMFORTABLE if he picked up a razor once in a while, at least in the summer. I don't mind that he has a beard at all, sometimes it was kind of attractive. But have you ever got the impression that most people grow them out because they want to hide? I think that's ben in a nutshell. He wants to hide, and doesn't want anyone to know who he is. And like, when say a girlfriend, whom he knows does care about him and sincerely likes him, wants to get closer, his natural reaction is to panic. And that is what happend.

But yes, everyone has their flaws. A lot of them I think he'll grow out of given a little experience and some good conversation that he'll probably get in college. He really shouldn't be ashamed of his soul, and I think that in some way he is. One day I know he'll get the courage not to be. I hope I still know him then.

And I guess I'm some of the ways that he is as well, I get scared to let people in. But instead of blocking them off like he does, I just get really nervous and come off as a loser. And this is bad when you're entering an intimate stage in any relationship. I will hopefully one day have more confidence in myself.

and then maybe one day when we're both fixed ben and I will be together again. But who knows really, there is so much life ahead of us. I sincerely hope that we'll be able to keep in touch.

ha, it would be awesome if he ever read this, but I dunno if that will ever happen.

7:17 p.m. - 2005-07-21

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