compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- manic depression So I don't remember the last time I updated this shit. I can't beleive its already the 18th, thats fucking scary. Soon Ben will be leaving, I haven't been able to hang out with him since last week sometime, I don't even know when it was. We saw fantastic four, which kinda sucked, but i was glad that I could spend time with him. Of course, yesterday he was "super busy" and he left out the part where he goes to grahams show, with a bunch of other people I know. I was going to go but lately i've been feeling socially inept and I didn't want to see anyone unless it was ben. Now thinking about it I shouldve gone because I don't know when I will ever see those people again. God knows its not like I'm invited anywhere. It wouldve been nice if he told me. Amanda went as well, but she didnt ask me if I wanted to come and just complained about going before she went, then had someone far away pick her up...So i figure she didn't want me there either. Ugh. whatever. For some reason I just broke down. That ugly feeling that absolutely no one gives a shit about me even though I desperately love them. Something that's probably been with me since 4th grade when my parents got divorced and I'd hear them arguing about who "takes the kid" for the day because neither of them fucking wanted me there, and then in school talking to the teacher at recess because the kids were bitches and didn't want me there either. I guess its an infantile feeling, but I wanted to dissapear. Or at least get drunk. When I say get drunk, I mean get drunk enough to die. Suicide by alcohol is for pussies, but its so easy, think about it. At first you just want to leave your body, so you get drunk. But then by that time, you're drunk enough to want to die and you keep drinking. I think that's the reason I got so fucked up at senior week. I mean I guess at the back of my head I knew I wasn't actually going to die. But I figured I could get close enough. I am still surprised how much everyone took care of me when that happend, but right now in my shitty mood I just felt like they were doing so so they wouldnt be in shit when you hear "teenager dies of alcohol poisoning on ocean city"...that wouldve been a lot of shit. So I finished the story "All the lonely people" last night. I changed it a lot. I dunno though, I was so fucked up off my own self pity that it probably sucks, I haven't reread it since I wrote it. Maybe i'll send it to my highschool english teacher and see what he thinks before having it see the light of day. I mean..really who gives a fuck what anyone thinks about anything I write. Its mine. It's for me. All art is just for myself. In fact maybe i'd prefer if it sucks, then I won't have to share it with as many people. Well that's a lie, of course i'd rather have people like the shit I do. But..yeah. So seth fucking called me at like 9 o clock today. I was up until 4 30 last night writing, and I woke up still in a shitty mood. If someone calls you at fucking 9 in the morning, it must be some pretty important shit they want to inform you about. So my phone signal died as soon as I answered, and I called him back a bunch of times. No one calls my cell at fucking 9 in the morning and I don't get to hear what they have to say. So I left a message. And then he just left a message that was like "God you called me back like five times, I just wanted to see if you were up at college park for the open house cause i'm up there now." Ugh. fuck you. You called me at 9 a fucking m and then didnt answer your cell like right after I was talking to you. I want to know that the fuck you want at 9 in the morning. And no, i'm not fucking at college park. I wish we wern't all going to college so soon. Ben's dad told him to start packing his stuff. That's so depressing. But maybe it shouldn't be. It's not like theres anyone who really gives a shit about me, but I care about them..So yeah, I guess it still is depressing. ugh. And amanda and I havent hung out in forever. She'll complain about it but then when i ask her she's always too tired and depressed, yet she doesnt ask me to go to a show even when she needs a ride and i'm fucking two feet away. I can't sit in this house all day today. It will drive me crazy. I don't care if I dont "idle well". I feel like I miss people that I care about, and it hurts that all my friends that i've been busting my ass to do something with were all too busy with each other last night. It hurts to feel like no one gives a flying fuck. I thought i'd wake up and be in a better mood, but I'm not. I woke up really early too, I don't know why. and then seth called me so I became restless. I don't even know why I care anymore, I hate him. I just wanted to know why someone, anyone that isnt the wrong number, would call me that fucking early. I was hopign it woudl be ben, but he's probably hung over somewhere right now from getting drunk at graham's last night. I thought I was beyond this feeling, but I just want to dissapear. 11:16 a.m. - 2005-07-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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