compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- to reveal all their yearning so yeah...thursday I went to college park for an overnight orientation. It was alright I guess. The first day there was a lot of skits and random things that we had to watch. We took our math placement test, which I failed. But they averaged it out with my sat scores and my other test scores and then thanks to that i dont have to go into like..remedial math. in fact my sat scores placed me out of math, and english..how cool is that? But anyway. So waiting for making my schedule and getting my math placement results, I met a couple girls, Rachel and Jessica. Rachel was pretty effin cool. She lived in germany for three years and she seemed pretty smart, and had that whole cassie-like honesty ("im gonna take a shit, be right back"). Her favorite song is the immigrant song and she wants it to be playing everytime she enters a room. Her ex boyfriend whom she's still sadly in love with was a jewish boy with a beard who played lacrosse. haha. but yeah, she was pretty cool. The other girl, jessica. I dunno she was nice i guess. I didn't hate her but I don't htink she's my type of people really. Lets just say she's from pennsylvania, has an ex fiance (shes 18), and has had a threesome. so yeah. hm. That night we skipped the last part of orientation and took rachel's car and drove to her friend jessi's house (another jessica, one thats a lot cooler). We blasted simon and garfunkle, it was pretty awesome. so then we got there, they all smoke so they had to take a smoke break, we go back to jessi's house and sit around, i meet her twin brother and his friends who seemed all pretty chill, and then we came back to the dorm with a lot of gin, which we mixed with canada dry and got drunk off of. Actually at first i guess it was pretty cool since its an easy (sleazy) way of getting to know a ocuple people more quickly. But..I dunno. I've realized that I really..REALLY..hate the taste of alcohol. I just..don't like it. Thinking about it right now makes me want to vomit..ick. I dunno what i'm gonna do next year. Everyones all like "ooh the party scene at college park is awesome"..But..I really don't want to go to that many parties when I get down there. Cassie's finally talking to me again, after a week of silence. She told me that she really can't hang out with me anymore if i started drinking a lot now, which is understandable I guess. I dunno. With a lot of people it seems like i'm held up against such a double standard. I mean cassie has friends that do that kind of thing (if not a lot worse), and i guess theyre not her super close friends but theyre still her friends. I mean..I dunno. I personally am not too crazy about the whole party scene so i don't think I'm going to do it anyway really..but..yeah. So yesterday was cassie's paper-burning grad party. It was pretty cool, we played extreme badminton and extreme volleyball and anything that could be made into extreme anything by adding a few people with waterguns. Ben came, which was cool. We uh, ran into each other playing volleyball, knocked my glasses off and my nose started running and i started tearing up, but I was okay. When it got later into the night we started burning our papers. I thought it was going to be more fun then it was cause lacey was kind of sitting right in front of the fire and got mad at most anyone who tried to throw things in besides her, so i just emptied my pile of papers into her basket and watched her do it for me. I dunno, and then ben kind of bummed me out cause he wasnt really acting like we were going out. I mean he does that a lot and i should be used to it, but somehow when we're around people it bothers me more. Like, when we're alone even if we're just acting like friends I feel special because its just me with him. But when its a whole lot of people I just get really jealous when he talks to any girl, even if its like some idle conversation that means nothing. And then I got sad cause he was randomely like.."oh we should invite kat, she's awesome". Kat is this really funny girl that we're all vaguely friends with. And he was saying that he had called her at senior week to find out if she was down there to see if they could hang out..meh. Then i felt crappy. I'm pretty sure theyre just like people cool with each other, like if i hung out with jesse or pedro..but still ever since seth I'm going to be even more paranoid about it. So then I just felt kind of shitty. It was kind of sad watching our high school papers burn actually. I mean college park wasnt a terrible experience..but it just feels so cold and impersonal and too new. As much as i say i hate schedules and regiments, I love the idea of seeing and being with all my old friends forever, no matter what stupid shit they pull. If i had the security of one good friend that I knew I could see almost everyday forever, I think I would be set...maybe. And I'm dreading how much I'm going to miss Ben and Cassie. Ben is pretty much my best friend right now. I mean even though sometimes we have our awkwardness and its not like a girl best friend where I can tell them anything, i just feel like..I dunno. I feel like everyone else is kind of mad at me for something, and they make me feel like crap a lot. But he doesn't, at least not intentionally or directly. Plus, i dunno. I am just really honored to be his girlfriend, cause he's such a cool guy. And then theres cassie. I can talk to her about almost anything, and I kind of like the fact that she doesnt like alcohol. I think that whole scene would get me where I don't want to be and it's good to have friends like her to keep me grounded, even when theyre a little extreme. I kind of hope I end up with a friend like that at college park (not someone self righteous about it). But..yeah. I don't know. meh. Right now I feel crappy and tired in general, but almost grateful. I dunno. So last night it got really late and so I called my mom late and asked to sleep over cassies. Then today I called and told her we were going out to breakfast, lacey and i. We ended up going to a couple places afterwards. I saw a typewriter that i really wanted and it was only 5 bucks, but I spent all the money on me on gifts for cassie and tuyen the day before, and lacey wouldnt lend me 3 dollars even though I had the money at home. I guess it was her choice, but it was a pretty shitty thing to do because she was like "get a job", and she had the money and let me have it and made me feel like shit about it and took it back, because i don't have a job. Okay, but I have the money, its at home. Okay maybe I am spoilt, but if she needed a couple dollars I would have given it to her because she's my friend, and especially if we were going to go to her house in a few hours and she had the money there. It was also pretty shitty that she was making me feel crappy that I dont have a job. I dunno. I could easily do her job, which she just got basically because she's friends with cassie. I've come to her fucking work place and have helped her out..but all of a sudden I can't borrow 3 or 4 bucks because I "need a job". And then she was making me feel like shit because I wanted a typewriter. I dont know, i used to have one and then my mom gave it away, and I always wanted one because now I can type a lot quicker then I could when I was little, and because computers suck sometimes and its good to have something old school on standby..that and they just look so much more inspiring to write stories on. But yeah, she was being a bitch about it so I didn't get it..maybe some other time i'll see one. Then, she had the nerve to ask me to take her to get a smoothie, and I had the lack of dignity to oblige. But..yeah. So i dunno. My mom got pissed that I didnt call after breakfast and yelled at me when I got home. I already felt like shit because of lacey, and then my mom started going on about how lacey had a job and i didn't and that's about when I exploded. I mean it is reasonable that my mom wants to know where I am at times and i'm fine with that, and I think sometimes I end up taking frustrations that I should let out at the people causing them on my mom instead. So then lacey gave me this big talk about how i have to work to improve my relationship with my mother, and blah blah blah. She's actually right and all, and she wasnt being immature about it or anything, but the whole thing in general just made me feel like shit. My mom went out and got linens for me for college even after I yelled at her, so i felt bad about that. I'm going to try to talk to my mom later I guess. I dont know, for so long i've been trying to hide who i am around my mom by being as calous as i can possibly be, and I don't know how that started but it started a long time ago. I am sometimes just really afraid to get to close to her and tell her something ill regret later because she'll use it against me. But there are a lot of things I could tell her that are completely harmless and would make both of us happy if i'd communicate a little more..I dunno. I guess I will try to think about how to start to go about doing that..but yeah. I dunno. I just felt like shit quite a lot yesterday and today. I still really want that typewriter and its pretty shitty a friend of mine who had the money couldnt spot me it when she knew i'd pay her back the same day, and had to insult me on top of it. But whatever I guess, there are enough typewriters in the world I hope and one day i'll be able to get one. Lacey was kind of making me feel better and making me feel like shit at the same time a lot today. I dunno. I guess she has that effect on people sometimes. meh. Well cass and lacey both said last night after ben left that it does seem like he likes me. Apparently he's really protective of me, and shy around me..or something. I dunno, its something they noticed, so i'm going to take their word for it and be happy that it seems to a few people that he does like me. T imed me today too, I guess she's talking to me again, which is releiving. Seth imed me as well, asking me what I thought about him, "honestly." I told him a little bit of the truth, which kind of sounded like the old fiddle, a lot of shit that he probably should have known a while ago, but I didn't go too much further then that. meh..I feel like I didn't do anything today, but then I feel like I did a lot. After the whole fiasco with everything lacey and i just sat around my house and watched almost famous, which seemed to somehow sum up my mood for today. 11:22 p.m. - 2005-06-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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