compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- let me out so..yeah. still kind of boring. Called a few people today, but no one could really do anything. Nikki's back in college, Randhal didn't pick up, Ben had lots of crap to do. But, at least he talked to me for a while as he was mowing the lawn. That takes skillll. Bleh. my stomach hurts. So Amanda has been talking about graham having parties like every night, which I'm sure Ben's at now. Its fine and all, but it just makes me a little sad because I havent seen him in forever and I guess he'd rather get drunk then hang out with me. I dunno. Maybe its just the lonliness or PMS talking. I haven't really hung out with anyone I really wanted to see since senior week. I mean there was seth the other day but he kind of feels like a stranger now. Which is decidedly a good thing, but hanging out with him gave me no such feelings of being connected to anyone. I need my frieeends. And right now I feel like they hate me. bleh. God, what am I going to do in college. I can just feel the feelings of major depression I'm going to have when I first get there. All I want are my Ohio people. that is, cassie and ben. Theyre both going to Ohio for college. Hopefully by then cassie will be talking to me and Ben will hang out with me more. hah. I guess sometimes I probably do act pretty lame around him, but that's mostly because I really like him and the less I see him the more I feel like I need to impress him. Which..isn't good. But ill try to work on that. Hopefully we'll hang out more in the summer, hopefully graham's parties will die down or something. I mean ben should be able to have fun and do what he wants, but it just sucks because i'm worried about him. I just dont want him to smoke pot again and have an asthma attack, and i hate how he gets hangovers the next day and then I want to hang out wiht him but feel bad when i call and bother him in the morning. Well at least last time he had a bad hangover he apologized.. yeah..meh. I dunno. I guess i need to be more independant and keep myself busy. I mean I have a car. A guitar. Enough money. I should be able to keep myself entertained, if i was creative or interesting enough. Ben just finished reading the art of war. What do I do with my spare time? sit staring at this computer screen. Not good. I ought to read more or something. I started A portrait of the Artist as a Young Man today. I'm about one third of the way done. it's okay I guess. I thought it would be better but maybe im about to get to the good parts. I just want to finish it now because I started to read it and I never finish anything so i want to start to finish things. Then I want to go back to the library and hopefully reward myself by checking out a few books that I actually will end up really liking, but i guess i won't know until i start (and finish) reading them. Well Randhals back, which is exciting. Maybe we'll hang out sometime. I was excited when she signed my myspace thing, but was let down cause I didn't have any new comments in here, and I was hoping she read my latest news and had something to say about it, but alas, no. Okay, so this is pretty much how I felt when i got drunk monday before last. Disconnected. Useless. Shitty. So now I feel like getting drunk again. I have to admit...I knew I was getting too fucked up. It was like, I subconciously didn't care if I died. I mean it wasn't that subconcious, and I didn't feel like I was seriously going to make myself die. it was just like, no concern for myself whatsoever. It backfired because I didn't expect people to care about me so much, which was nice actually. but i also got a few people kind of mad at me it seems, and now theyre not talking to me. So..I dunno. I guess I found out people cared about me but now my punishment is to feel like they don't anymore, and I should be able to live with that..It's only a week. But I already feel myself going insane. I need human contact. Well, my mom is driving me crazy. I dunno. She's always asking questions like "why did you sleep all day?" "why did you take a whole peice of bread?"..real shitty trivial things that I don't have explanations for, plus it feels more like she's interrogating me then questioning me. It's annoying as hell and I need to get out of the house with people i can stand. 12:48 a.m. - 2005-06-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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