compie's Diaryland Diary

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senior week crazy shit

so..senior week. By some odd miracle, my parents let me go for a couple of days. And...yeah. I guess I am obligated to write about it, because it was one fucking crazy time. It started off with a bang, Graham's VW bus got totalled on the way there, so that really sucks and consequently he's been getting pretty trashed every night since. So I picked up Ben and drove there. It was his birthday, so I gave him this ussr thing that I got from cassie's consignment store. He didnt really have a reaction, good or bad, but thats Ben for you. Thats sort of what I expected anyway (not in a bad way, I'll just assume he liked it). So it took about 2 and a half hours to get there, no stops. We listened to the Beatles on the way and had to turn the air conditioning on because it was so hot outside. So finally when we get there I'm really hungry, but he had ate just before he came so he wasnt and wanted to be dropped off at Graham's right away, which kind of disapointed me cause i wanted to hang out with him for a little while. So anyway, he agreed to let me go eat first, and he sat there in boredom while i stuffed my face and I started to feel dumb and shitty that I was inconveniencing him and probably being annoying somehow. So then I called Wendy to find out where they were, she seemed a little annoyed with me as well, but told me they were at the beach and we met up with a bunch of people there. After that I took ben to the guys place and hung out there a little while, until I got directions to the girls. Then t calls me and tells me that the "girls are freaking out" and sandy and I can't stay there. Which..sucked. I mean whatever though, Sandy and I had more then enough to rent a hotel or motel. Apparently it was nothing personal and had to do with the landlord rules or something, but at the time I felt shitty and it just made me feel completely unwanted. It was about then that I decided that that night if everyone got drunk I would too..yeah..and now about that.
So later we go back to the guys place, the steve miller band is playing, Ben's not there anymore because he went to grahams. Whatever, it didn't matter. After some people let me take some of their alcohol (that was nice of them..seriously), I had two smirnoffs and a shot of vodka. I started talking to amanda, who was also drunk, about ben. She told him that I should kiss him, and her and her boyfriend were going to walk me down to grahams house to pick him up so he could hang out with us. I called ben but he was doing stuff with graham and his friends, so I just got more drunk. Now I understand why people do it...It makes you happy, or at least makes you feel like you dont care even if you feel shitty. I tripped over some tide lying on the floor and helped Josh put it all back in, which was when I realized that I was probably pretty drunk by then. I was on the phone with Ben and I don't know what I said to him, mostly stuff about how he should come over and i remember him asking me if i was alright and I told him i was fine through my drunken laughter,and later had some tequilla and vodka..not a good idea by the way. So then after a while people started leaving to go bowling, and i wanted to go but I dont think by then I could stand up straight. Around that time I passed out on the couch and threw up several times. Jesse carried me to the bathroom while some people cleaned up the mess I made downstairs. People started to come by and see if I was okay. I remember talking to Jesse and him calling me a trooper or something, and then alicia and kerry. I remember alicia telling me something about calling ben, and kerry asking me how long ben and I have been going out. I remember John's girlfriend, this really sweet girl, getting me water and saying something about me having big brown eyes (probably bigger then usual cause i was so fucked up). Then alicia told me she had called Ben and he was really worried and is coming over to see if I was okay. Apparently when he found out he was like "shit" and stopped whatever he was doing and told graham and his friends that he had to go to make sure I was alright. Or something like that. So after a while of drinking water and some gatorade, which i then threw up (this time in the toilet), Ben came. His eyes were wide and he asked me if I was alright, and I think I said through my contracting stomach that I was fine. He stiffened up and told me that what I did was stupid (which it was, obviously), and not to do it again. I don't really remember the rest of our conversation. He got me some more water, and threatened to call cassie who had told me earlier that if I got drunk at oc she wasnt going to talk to me for a week. I told him something about me being to drunk to care at the moment..but yeah. I feel really bad about all of that. I dont know why I got so drunk anyway. My initial reason was to forget the feelings I had of social isolation and the feeling I was getting from some people that they didn't want me there. It was so sweet how much people cared that I was passed out and all though. For some reason I thought that if that ever happend to me they would just let me stay there and not care all that much..But I felt like I was one of them sort of. I mean maybe I am to an extent and the whole social isolation thing is in my head or self induced. And I'm surprised how much Ben cared. After all that the next day he's like "youre not drinking tonight". Which was annoying, but still kind of nice cause it felt like he really cared about me. After that everyone knew we were going out, since he "came to save me" (in sandy's words) and whatnot. So i guess it was an experience i'd probably go through sooner or later(knowing me and the fact that I suck at life), and it had its sweet parts. When I came back to thegirl's place, which sandy and I ended up staying at anyway with the way everything worked out, T was piiissed at me. It was understandable. She yelled at me and told me I was irresponsible, which I deserved. But she was drunk at the time too. Then she asked ben if he wanted to play beer pong (yeah wtf). and told me to go to sleep, and in the morning we were all going to have a long talk.
oh yeah, that night some other shit went down as well. Kerry Christina and Ashley met up with some drunk guys that they didnt know from across the street (they were all drunk), and everyone was worried for obvious reasons, and the fact that they all went driving. They arrived home safely though, thank God. That night Wendy's coworker/promdate Brad got evicted from his place, and needed a place to stay as well, but Tuyen told him no because ben was staying over for me and there wouldnt be any room. So yeah. That was the first night. The next morning Kerry made everyone pancakes and the guys came over to the girls for that. Alicia and Amanda were hung over and sick from the night before because of the alcohol and probably the stress of everything. We all went to the beach and layed around for a while. Sandy, Wendy, Ben and I went in the water, but they started going deeper then I could stand so I just left feeling kind of crappy that i'm short (why am i so insecure?) and sat on the beach alone until they came back. Later we had pizza and they all told me that I'm not getting drunk that night, even though I didnt want to in the first place. Later we all went to the boardwalk, and Ben stayed in with Graham and got wasted, while tuyen went somewhere with kelly and kerry and got drunk as well. That night people did their own thing at different places, and wendy sandy amanda and her boyfriend and i all went to the arcade on the boardwalk and won some stuff, and on the way back picked up medicine for alicia. So yeah, this whole time tuyen wouldn't talk to me at all. That's how pissed she is/was. That night, this girl from my school got in a terrible accident, and now she's at the hospital. I hope she's doing okay..

So yeah. The next morning we all went to the beach again, I called Ben but he was really hung over and tired. He finally came to the beach though after he woke up at around 2, but was still really tired. After the beach we all went our separate ways, and I didnt get to give ben a hug or anything that I wanted to cause that was that last I was going to see of him for a few days, since sandy and I left oc yesterday. we said bye though, and he was just like "sorry i'm so fucked up right now"..At least he apologized, which was nice..

So yeah. That's all the dramatic shit that happend. There were some good parts definettely, such as being able to talk to amanda and her boyfriend, and seeing some people I probably won't see for most of the summer. And also how after everyone found out ben and I were going out they would refer to us as such, like ethan when he ran into us on the boardwalk asking where my boyfriend was, which caught me off gaurd a little bit, but in a good way. Or when ben called amandas boyfriend to see if he could ocme over and hes like sure, and said something like of course his girlfriends over here. Or...yeah. Just little stuff like that that made me happy, and knowing that people, especially ben, cared a lot more then I thought they, and he, did. Before I vomited everywhere it was def good times talking and hanging out with jesse again for the first time in a couple years. The beach and the boardwalk was fun too, and hanging out with everybody. So, I'm glad I went, but I was also kind of glad to come back. I wish ben wasnt staying all week though. I'm worried. But he's a smart guy i guess he'll be all right.. Even though he's been getting drunk every night. I mean..yeah okay I fucked up, I made a mistake, but that doesnt mean I'm a complete idiot or alcoholic like some people think now. I guess they'll get over it. Either itll happen again to someone else or it will happen with them. It sucks and I feel shitty about it but theres nothing I can do about it now but learn from it (I know my limits now, and I know that when I'm drunk its a good idea to stop, and that people actually do care enough about me to be worried). And, it was nice spending time with my boyfriend. yeah thats right, boyfriend. I kind of felt like I was being annoying though half the time, but maybe it was just all in my head, and I know that ultimately he does care about me. Hopefully i'll recover from my shitty feeling by the time he comes back.

So yeah. Now on to today. I woke up and my right eye is red, because of my contacts that I fell asleep in. I took them out at 5 am, but my right eye is still fucked up, and its 5 pm. yeah. what the hell. I was talking to this kid from my school online though, this junior, and he went out and got me a cucumber and some visine. What a sweet kid. I paid him a little extra for it..And, yeah. The cucumber didnt work that well, he told me his mom uses it to fish out broken contacts in her eye. I thought that since my eye was red for so long that there was some of that in my eye, but i tried using a cucumber slice to no avail. THen again I don't know what i'm doing. but yeah. ugh. well i think the visine may be helping. Im so hungry but I don't feel like getting up. I still need a shower from yesterday being at the beach. ugh. ew. I'm gross. update: so yeah. my eye's better. It's sunday night now. I called Ben yesterday and apologized for making him worry so much. He seemed okay with it, told me that I'll learn from my mistakes, and not to worry about it. what a great guy, seriously. But...yeah. apparently shit did happen when i left. the day after ben had a really bad asthma attack, his first one ever so he didnt even have his inhaler. Josh took him to the hospital but he went into shock because he didn't know what was going on and he couldnt breathe for like almost a half hour. he was at the hospital for a couple of hours and they stuck an IV in him, but now he's alright. So besides a hospital bill, he's okay (thank god). I only kind of wish I had been there for him like he was there for me, or at least that someone would have called me telling me what the hell was going on..But i guess i wouldnt have been able to physically do anything about it...so its okay I guess. As long as he's alright now, which he is. But...yeah. Theres some Jewish holiday though from today's sundown until tomorrows, so i won't be able to talk to him until the day after tomorrow (hopefully). So now i'm watching almost famous. Good movie, sort of. Really awesome soundtrack, undeniably. T still hasnt called me or anything, not that i was expecting her too. I guess i'll call her in a week or so and hopefully she still won't be mad at me. I still have yet to face the wrath of cass and lacey when they find out, both of who will probably be pissed. But after a bit of beating myself up, I've forgiven myself, especially after talking to Ben tomorrow. But..yeah. I can't find my guitar book which is pretty annoying. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment and its my stepmom's birthday so i need to get her something. Joy.

4:22 p.m. - 2005-06-09

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