compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- waste of paint so yeah. today i felt pretty inadequate. I got up in the morning with this sort of sense that today was somehow going to be shitty, even though I had high expectations. I knew somehow that I was going to almost incompetantly fuck it up, or just realize how incompetant I am. I woke up and I wanted to call all these people about attending the art show, but I felt disconnected and socially inept. As if even talking to a close fried I was just going to get tongue tied and make an ass out of myself, so I didn't call anyone at all. I went to bills to get an application, but they said that i should just fax over a resume and then if theyre interested theyll call me back. It was about then that I realized how big of a joke I would have been had I seriously applied there. I mean sure I probably know instuments alright, but the people who work there are all music teachers/band members/people you have been passionate and playing music for so many years...and I can play a few tunes on the harmonica and I just started guitar. Yeah. I suck, to put it shortly, and I know I probably couldnt get a job there, just as much as I couldnt play my way out of a wet paper bag. And then there was the art exibit. Okay, so like most of the time we had to sit in these uncomfortable seats and hear about how some big shot woman who was head of something having to do with balt co schools was retiring (as if any of us knew who she was), and..yeah. My painting was one of the few who did not get chosen to be in a second gallery and not win a single thing. I mean this wouldve been fine if the girl i was with who took 2 days to do her painting didnt win two awards (as well as have hers selected for the secondary gallery), while my peice of crap painting took me 4 or 5 months and still looked like shit (apparently at least). Oh...and then in the brochure they flipped my painting, and stretched it out..That really bothered me. I dont know why they fucked it up so badly, and any artist would be kind of mad if their work was fucked around with. I dunno. I thought my peice in the gallery was okay, i mean obviously there were a lot of much better things there, but it just sucked that I didn't get any reconition at all for that thing which took me forever. Granted it was my first painting, but I mean its kind of hard not to feel like you suck after that. All that shit that the kids that sat with me used to say about my painting being a waste of canvas and paint seemed to feel quite true tonight, and I feel like a loser but right now I feel like crying about it, even though i'm being petty probably and its not a big deal..I dunno. I feel like creating lots of random shit now but not showing anyone my art ever. Only then could I feel like it was really art. And then maybe if any of it was actually good then it would be less gaurded and if anyone paid attention to my existence maybe someone would look at it and not be entirely disgusted. Arrgh I'm such a loser to so quickly and easily be susceptible to feel this way. Whenever I get praised for something I do, I feel like its all an act. Whenever I don't I feel like i'm worthless. Either way I feel like i'm shitty I guess. Okay..so now i'm tearing up. I told Ben right after the show (he and Tuyen came, but i didnt see them until afterwards since they came later so they had to stand in the back) how I felt so "not good at art" anymore, and why. I tried to be as unemotional about it as possible, and he was just like, well I wouldn't worry about it too much. I guess he's right, but I'm a loser. I just feel like I'm everyones whipping boy (girl) all the time, and I never get a satisfied feeling that maybe people are wrong. I mean yeah they were joking about my painting being crap I guess, but all that seems to really rear its ugly head when you do seem to fail at something. All the shit that people said about you failing, even if they were joking, seems to feel pretty true. Well today wasnt all bust. Right after the show Ben, t, and I hung out. We went to this organic grocery store and got some wasabi peanuts, ate it on a bench, went and got pizza, and then went to this indian restaurant and had desert for free because Ben knew the owners. It was pretty cool. We didn't talk about the art show, which was nice. A couple things I said to Ben and that he said to me did kind of indicate that we are a couple, so that was nice. Although he kind of laughed at me when I wore that hat that I got at the consignment store, and when t wore it he said it was "awesome", i'm going to choose not to analyze that. sometimes he says opposite things at the same time..its weird. Like yesterday when he figured out my car was out of alignment he was like "oh its no big deal" and 30 seconds later hes like "yeah...its pretty bad." and then I think it was back to "you probably don't notice it when you drive" so...I guess half the things he says are sarcastic and/or not to be taken completely seriously and analyzed. I just wish sometimes that I wasn't such a loser I guess. But I'm glad at least I have friends like Ben and T who can make me feel better even if they don't know that anything is wrong. Yeah. maybe my problem is that im just not naturally good at anything, although I naturally want to be good at a lot of things. In all honesty I have no idea how I have any friends when I'm such a loser, or a waste of paint (and a waste of musical instruments), as I was called and feel like right now. I'm glad my parents didnt come because I'm sure they would have rubbed in the fact that I didn't win anything, especially my stepmother. 12:58 a.m. - 2005-05-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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