compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- only siths think in absolutes okay, so far during my summer: thursday- got sick, did next to nothing, then went to the banquet. It was sad. But I'm glad its over. friday - went to cassies and made smores and watched the dark crystal. Ben came too but he left a little early to go to some party, and all the people cass and lacey invited (well not all..most) didnt show up, which kind of sucked. saturday - got some strings for my guitar, hung out with ben, ethan, megan, manders, t. it was pretty good times.. sunday - went to wendy's grad party, ben and i went to visit cassie at work and she invited us over for dinner and we went and watched national treasure. monday - went back to school for some crap, talked to my art teacher, visited cassie at work again and lacey showed up too..I bought a cool hat and went to the library. tuesday - went to the mall with cassie and lacey, ate dinner at laceys. wednesday - watched a three hour special on FDR on the history channel, and then went for my first (and hopefully not last) fencing lesson with cassie and lacey. thursday (today) - went to see star wars three with ben (awesome awesome movie), went to get my grad dress and ended up buying a bunch of other stuff at the mall. my plan for tomorrow - go to bill's music place to get an application, and then later go to this thing at goucher where one of my paintings is going to be exibited. so yeah. So far everyday I've had at least one thing to do. Which is awesome and makes me feel a lot less lonely/more cool, but is also a little tiring. Not that I'm complaining though. I dunno. Most of that stuff is probably a little dumb to be writing in a journal, but i'm trying to make sense out of it all cause somehow some days seem jumbled together and others seem like they are so far away, or recent...or something. I dunno its just weird. So yeah, today I saw star wars with Ben. It was pretty fucking awesome. A great movie. not exactly the type of date movie though (although I dont think I wouldve rather have seen anything else), since when you watch it you kind of feel Anakin Skywalker's demise is a little more important then trying to cuddle up to the person next to you.. I still tried though.. A little bit. more just having my arm on the arm rest and hoping its easy access would mean ben would take my hand, but he didn't (he was probably preoccupied, as he kind of shouldve been), and so then I felt dumb. So i resolved by having my elbow or part of my arm or something on the arm rest in such a way that it touched his..oh yeah. Touching elbows...how scandalous and arousing. hahaha. No..I dunno. It was the most I could do without feeling like *too* much of a loser, and even still now looking back on it I feel pretty dumb about that. I think from now on i'm just going to take t's advice and not expect anything from him and not try hard to encourage him, and just let things happen. I think thats the way to go, since thats what I think I did during prom and it worked out pretty well. I mean..he's shy. And so am I, but I'm more of a loser about it I guess. I'm sure things will work out though.. So about the art show tomorrow, I invited a bunch of my friends (i dont think most of them will end up showing up but whatever), but I'm not so sure about my parents being there. Is that terrible? I dunno. I just feel really uncomfortable around my parents, like I can't exactly be myself cause I never feel like I can quite talk to them. I love them and all..But..I dunno. Sometimes I would like a break from them. Actually I havent seen my dad in a while, which sucks. But I just think having them at the art show will be uncomfortable. I invited my mom anyway and she's all well i know you dont want me to come so i wont. That makes me feel kind of bad, even though it is the semi-truth. I just don't know exactly how to explain how I feel, or exactly why I feel this way (ok i know why..its because I have to watch everything I say around my mom because she uses the most random shit against me...so i never feel like i'm completely myself around her...or my stepmom cause she's sort of like that but in a different way..she just makes me nervous)..but..yeah. I feel bad about that..But..I dunno. ergh. Well i invited ben along with some other friends to come, but he said he may be "busy". I mean thats alright and all if he really is, but it seems kind of like a dumb excuse cause he just doesnt care. I mean whatever he doesnt have to come, I just hope he likes me and all. when I told him after seeing star wars about the art show he was like yeah I dunno I may be busy..it sounded kind of ew i dont want to spend time with you. But then later when I called him he was like well i'm going to try to come but i dont know if i can make it..which seemed more earnestly I want to come but i dont know if i can. I'm probably overanalyzing this..I dunno. well he sounded in a much better mood when i talked to him on the phone later, maybe the movie put him in a weird mood or soemthing. Well whatever, i dont think he's lying or anything cause if he doesnt mind hanging out with me so much he probably wouldnt mind coming to the art show..and plus its ben and from what I know he does have some trouble showing affection..Which is something I can deal with as long as I know its that and not that he just doesnt like me. I'm pretty sure its that because i'm pretty sure he likes me, by the way he acts in relation to other people..but anway, i don't feel like analyzing anything right now. I hope everything goes well tomorrow and it will be awesome if he can come, and if randhal and t come. that would be aweesome. I sent randhal an email about it yesterday but i dont think she checked her email yet, hopefully she will by tomorrow. 12:09 a.m. - 2005-05-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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