compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nowhere man, the world is at your command wow a lot of spellling/grammar errors in that last entry..I must have been nervous, haha. Well, I finally actually did tell him, I can't beleive it myself. After a couple months of wanting to and not saying anything, I finally did it. AND....well..okay, let me just recite the whole thing: me: so yeah, well I was kind of saving this for after prom just in case things got awkward...well, yeah, I think you probably already know this somewhat by now, but I just want to make sure. I mean, maybe it goes without saying, but I--like you.. him: Oh, well, yeah, I know...So um, does this mean that we're officially going out now or something? me: Well, I mean..does that mean you want to? I mean I don't know how these things work. I mean, were we unofficially going out this whole time? I mean I guess we were..were we? I mean, i guess so. I think so. (probably some more rambling and stuttering in here..) I mean, yeah sure why not. him: yeah i dont really either [know how these things work]...okay and then i try to somehow make it into a topic of conversation that we can move on to.. I know..I'm smoooth (not really)..haha. Well it's pretty awesome that he likes me. I mean he never said it and I wish he did, but it can pretty much be implied by now. I'm so releived, but now I'm kind of restless and wondering when he's going to try to hold my hand or kiss me or something. I mean I just need to be patient. It wouldve been weird/fake if he just changed the way he acted around me as soon as we start "going out". God i'm a loser. I know I shouldnt be worried about all this, but part of me is just cause of what has happend with the past fellows i've liked. I mean I just hope it works out and I don't get my heart broken, that is all. So today I found out that my cornea is scratched. At first I was freaking out and was thinking i was gonna go blind, but later I found out it is a relatively common occurence with contacts, and it just means I can't wear contacts for a couple days until it heals (i didnt know it could heal that quickly..awesomeness..). Today we went to little of school..just in the morning to art to give my teacher this painting of mine to be submitted in this art thing/show/contest, and then T called me and eventually ben and I ended up at her house and hung out for a while, went back to school in time for fourth period to take a final, stayed for our last philosophy club, and graham and this sophomore with a mullet came with us to this state park, where the mullet boy had the insane and probably bad idea of climbing this steep wall/hill that didnt have any rocks to hold on to..yeah just dirt and like some trees and petrified wood..iiit was pretty crazy. graham took a nap in his bus, and ben t and mullet kid and i all took some long way back to the parking lot..and then we played frisbee. It was pretty cool. I'm really going to miss high school and a lot of the people. I mean, i dunno. like our philosophy leader/teacher/whatever told us, college will only be as cool as the people attending it. Like if you go to a party school, everyone there will be party people. i dunno, which is why i'm again worried about college park and im hoping itll be fun. I mean i don't mind partying i guess, but I want to meet people who actually do want to make a difference in the world..I dunno. I mean I guess we'll see how the first year/semester goes and then i can transfer if its terrible. I also just don't want to apply for transfer for the wrong reasons (aka: ben), because he's going to what would pretty much be my choice school if i do end up transfering. Well i dont know for sure though, i would still have to visit. I mean UMD is pretty big though, so chances are there are some cool people around (i'm hoping)...I just hope i don't become some wasted party girl who threw all her aspirations and motivations and dreams away just so she could feel like she belongs. I dunno, i feel like i'm susceptible to that, only because very rarely do i not feel at least slightly alienated somewhere. I mean, I dunno. My life would be so much easier if I just had a bit more self confidence..and maybe if i grew a couple inches..heh. wow, now looking at it (i realized this yesterday), I don't know what I did to deserve such awesome friends. Cass is awesome, Ben is awesome, Manders is awesome, every single one of my friends: awesome. And me, I dunno I feel like maybe i put up an act but really i'm this big insecure dork-loser inside. I dunno, maybe that's how everyone feels. haha, manders' mom, who was there at the girls lacrosse game that me and ben watched, asked amanda if ben liked me or something, or if we're dating, because apparently he was flirting with me. haha, and why didn't i catch this? Well, so I mean I guess he does like me. Again, more self confidence would help. I mean...he likes me. I know he likes me. because i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and doggone it people like me.
wow thats how lame I am. wow, tomorrow's the last day of school..forever. how weird is that..I'm gonna miss high school. The bridge, the stage, the "wetlands", OUR TREE, my art teacher, a lot of the teachers, the lunch room...man...its so sad. I don't feel this old yet. 10:01 p.m. - 2005-05-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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