compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sitting in a tree it's a rainy soggy day outside, so i figured my journal needed updating. yeah. This week was all right. After coming back from South Carolina, almost everyday here has been rainy and cold, which is kind of weird and slightly depressing. My room needs cleaning, but eh. Not right now. So, i've had a lot of random things on my mind recently. Like, right now, I'm a bit upset at myself for not applying to Oberlin. Not just because Ben is going there (although I'm sure thats a part of it), but because as I was cleaning out some college papers I found old oberlin stuff, and realized how ready I was to apply...but then...just didn't. The big-ness of college park has me a little worried, and everyone assures me that its going to be fun there, but I hope I don't become deindividualized and drunk by going to such a huge place. I dunno. My oberlin papers were the only ones tattered, a sign that I actually held them in my hands and had them sitting out forever, and then just never got around to completing them. I think, even though I gave myself the excuse of that I didn't want to lessen Ben's chances by getting in the school as my reason for not applying, my main thing was that I sometimes don't have the balls enough to go after what I *really* want. Sure, yeah, I want to change the world. But with my insecurities sometimes I feel like if someone put complete peace in a box and offered it to me, that I wouldn't have the balls to take it. I mean, I'm trying to change that about myself. And part of me wanting to change that is kicking myself for not applying to Oberlin. But..whatever, I guess. If I really want to go there I can always transfer. In a way its good that I just can't apply right now, because I may just be feeling this way because of Ben. Come next november or whatever, I may be in a different state of mind. I *know* though that I really wanted to go there, and that was before I liked Ben this much. The other reason I didn't apply was because its so far away, in Ohio. So, one good thing about UMD is that I'll have experience outside of the house but the safety to come back whenever I really wanted to. So, in that sense maybe I should go to UMD as training wheels for a possible transfer to Oberlin, but I mean I may stay at UMD if I like it, which would be fine too cause...yeah. I just hope I don't stay at UMD because of sheer laziness or a lack of any drive and motivation. I also just want to make sure to myself that I don't want to apply to Oberlin now strictly because of Ben, since sometimes I have done things like that that I regret because of some boy. I mean Ben's an awesome guy but I'm hoping that even if we don't go to the same college, we'll remain friends. I'm just kicking myself because i almost had the drive and motivation to apply and not be just another person at a huge university, but I took the easy way out and applied to UMD. I dunno, it's probably not entirely clear in my head, and the sure solution will come out in a little bit of time. Maybe maryland is a better school for me. I mean, I'll give it a pretty good test drive, so we'll see. Well whatever, I'm hoping itll work out, I just hate how sometimes my laziness gets in the way of me ever doing anything I want to do, but hanging out with Ben and Tuyen has changed that a little bit in me. I mean not that I'm not lazy anymore, but I feel like i actually could be capable of doing and being everything I wanted, if I just woke up. And since now I'm realizing that, I hope I can keep the thought alive in my head long enough to actually do something about it. Surrounding yourself with people smarter or more accomplished then you does make a difference, and it's a good idea. I no longer feel like I can't choose my friends or that I'm some sort of victim of circumstance, like how I felt when I hung out with Seth and all them. I mean theyre cool and all, but I don't want to end up that self absorbed in adulthood. I don't want to end up so vapidly average, and be under some self-delusion that i'm secretely really important. So yeah. Maybe me realizing this is the first step in my prayers being answered. I finally finished this acrylic painting of two monks, that i've been working on in Art for about 4 months. I found the picture in Ellicott City, and started the painting under the frame of mind that the photograph inspired me to "transcend" all the stupid teenage drama bullshit that was happening with seth and kim and lacey. I've surprised myself by not only mentally doing this, but also physically being able to go out and find new and old friends and people that I do respect and like and can hang out with. I've not only transcended my feelings of depression over all thats stupid pointless crap, but I feel like i've moved on to bigger and better things, and even just being friends with Ben (even though it feels like a little more then that) beats "sort of going out with" Seth, as far as which one makes me feel more complete and happier. Not only that, but I feel like now I'm a little bit more of my own person. I went through all that shit alone, and now I feel that if I simply remind myself of my own capabilities, there is a lot I can do on my own. My friends now have also helped me figure this out too, since, at least to me, they feel more like individuals and less like people who arn't sure what they are or what they want to be. I mean I still like Seth, but now I can see that he, and a couple of his friends, may need a little more maturing to do. Theyre good people, and I have no place to judge them, but at least around them I felt like I had to be a part of something, where with ben and amanda and tuyen, I feel like I can be myself and they can be themselves and together we're all a part of something a lot bigger, but without trying. I don't know, its really hard to explain. I feel more self sufficient, more like an individual, but at the same time I feel more loved and a lot more appreciated. It's a really good feeling, and I hope it maintains itself. So my psych teacher yesterday told me that I'm "not the same student that I was in tenth grade", since I had her for world history back then. Which, is decidedly a very good thing. She said, I was, in so many words ("angry?" "discontented?" "ornery?" "rebellious?" "sophomoric?"), a big bitch. But, she said I've matured a lot and I'm much more laid back, nicer, mature, and "consistent." She said maybe it was because i was "tight with Alicia", although I don't remember ever being *really* good friends with that girl, although I guess for a while we were pretty good friends inside of school. The funny thing is that even Alicia the other day told me about how much I've matured, even though I haven't gotten much taller (ha...still waiting for that), I look a lot older and act differently. So I'm glad that at least according to other people I've changed a bit in high school, that i've somewhat evolved. I hope I have, and thats the most I could ask for accomplishing by senior year. So anyway, yeah. Thats a little bit of what I've been thinking about lately. Most people are so happy that we only have about two weeks left of school, and I guess I am in a lot of ways too, although I realize how much I'm going to miss this and I think I'm more dreading it then being excited about it. I really don't want to grow up and everything. Although I had to deal with people's stupid drama, those same people are going to enter the real world and so I'm sure not too much will change about them or the stupid problems that they create. In that sense, sure I'm ready to leave high school, but in the sense that I'm going to have to be entirely self trusting, I'm having some problems. I know eventually things will work out, and I'm somewhat reassured by people telling me that I've matured a bit, but its still pretty scary. I really want to call ben, but I think i'll refrain cause today and tomorrow are the last days of passover (i think), and theyre pretty important so...yeah. I really wanted to hang out with him this weekend but he probably can't so theres no probable point in me asking. Well theres always next week I guess, and the weekend after that is prom. eeek. This week me him and tuyen climbed a tree for philosophy club. Him and I spent about an hour up there since tuyen had to leave early, just talking about random things. That's right, "amy and ben sitting in a tree." hahaha. literally. on wednesday t and graham and I all ate lunch in the tree, but ben wasnt there cause he was at some dumb feild trip. and then yesterday, tuyen and ben went fourth period but i couldn't cause i had a test in anatomy. grr. anyway, hopefully we'll have some quality time with that tree this week as well. haha. But AP exams are this week, and I can't even mentally anticipate them for some reason. Although I ought to study for stats sometime this weekend, and hopefully I will..Although I don't understand very much in that class. heh. hmm...well UMD doesnt accept stats credits anyway, so i won't feel terrible if I fail I guess. so yeah. such is life.
12:57 p.m. - 2005-04-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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