compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my minds all over the place. so...on wednesday I left for south carolina, and today I'm finally back home. Theres not too much to report about that. it was with my somewhat annoying but well meaning (i guess) aunt, and my dad and stepmom. At first everyone was bent on relaxing, but then my stepmom got mad at everyone and then consequently my dad was pissed at my stepmom. That was at the end though, and I somehow ended up blocking it all out with daydreams about running around on the beach and staring up at the sky and really stupid things, and then ben of course. The house we stayed at was awesome. I was expecting this big cold plantationish mansion, but it was really this beachhouse with like 4 decks and an elevator and all this crazy shit. I claimed one of the master bedrooms, which opened to the deck and to the roof, where i was planning on sleeping one of the days, but i ended up not doing that cause i figured my dad and stepmom would get pissed at me. It was so nice up there though. Most of the time on the trip, I felt alone. Not in a bad way though, in a way thats kind of good for you from time to time. I mean I talked to my dad and my stepmom and my aunt of course, but mainly when we were going sightseeing and stuff. The time at the house my dad and stepmom stayed glued to fox news or cnn or some type of that crap, and I would hang out on the roof while my aunt did god knows what. I tried this thing that ben told me about, staring at the clear blue sky. It disorients you and (at least for me) you start seeing things up there that arnt, because your mind is eager to find something to focus on, and in a clear blue sky theres nothing. ha...isnt that beautiful? I thought so.. As far as sightseeing, we went to Fort Sumter, where the civil war started. That was pretty cool since the brickwork was all original. We went to fort moultrie, which was more interesting cause they had some artifacts, but there wasnt anything that made that fort particularly famous (as far as i know), and then we also went to patriots point to see all these aircraft carriers and naval warships. Which, probably sounds boring as hell. But it was actually pretty cool. Like, on the uss yorktown was the place where the treaty was signed between japan and the us allies to end ww2, it was in that very spot when the ship was banked in tokyo or something, that the treaty was signed. There was all sorts of things from Iwo Jima, and...stuff. I mean it was pretty cool, I almost wish mr. L was there so he could have told me more about what i was looking at. But yeah, ill have to tell him about that. anyway...It was all pretty nice. My dad and I went biking on the beach. We went so far, the wind carried us, it was crazy. Pedaling against the wind coming back was a lot harder, but I made it and my dad had to walk with the bike a bit of the way. aw. and then my stepmom got all mad since we took forever, and we "should have just gone biking in circles so [they] could see [us] and since the beach is the same everywhere." The beach isnt the same everywhere though...and what fun is biking around in circles...thats lame..maybe i would enjoy that if i was like...6. Anyway we went pretty far and back so i was proud of myself. It was on Earth Day too, which I entirely forgot about but remembered when I read something randhal wrote on myspace. So..yeah. then later that day we watched legends of the fall, which was a pretty good movie. I didn't talk that much on the trip, but it's just cause I don't know what to say to them. To my aunt, she just keeps on rambling about some crap and its best not to say anything to her because she'll have some long trivial story somewhat relating to whatever you say. To my stepmom, like my dad said later, its like impossible to have a normal conversation with her, that feels entirely natural. I mean, at least for me. i'm always afraid i may say something wrong, or half the time she interrupts me or acts like she doesnt care and then I feel stupid, so i'd rather not say much. To my dad, both me and him are somewhat reserved around each other. Its not that we don't love each other or anything, its just that we understand that aspect of ourselves. I mean when we went biking we talked a little bit, not too much but still some. And when we came back he told veena that we were having fun. I mean, with him I don't feel obligated to have smalltalk bullshit. I felt somewhat sedated the whole trip. i mean I thought about the sunshine, the beauty of south carolina, my past trip to south carolina, wondering what ben was doing and maybe a little bit of how amanda was, and then abstract thoughts on how random things work or why something is like how it is. I don't know how to describe it. I mean I totally forgot about school and junior prom, which i'm supposed to be writing a news article about when I get back. Seth and Kim went I think, and if this was a couple months ago I'd probably have been so upset about that and thinking about it the whole time. But, I don't think I even thought about the fact that I was *not* thinking about it even. So now looking back on it, I love not caring at all about that. Today I had that song red rubber ball stuck in my head..Yknow, how it goes: i shouldve known, you'd bid me farewell/theres a lesson to be learned from this and I learned it very well/now i know youre not the only starfish in the sea/if I never hear your name again its all the same to me./and yes, im gonna be alright. yeah, the worst is over now and the morning sun is shining like a red rubber ball. hahaha. thats sort of how I feel about seth. Except for the fact that I don't even care anymore enough to make that known to him that i'm over him. I mean, yeah. I just don't care. All I've been thinking about is Ben, and how lucky I am that i'm even going to prom with him.. So yeah, about that. I do like him, I like him a lot. He is special. Not in the way seth was, which was only because he had red hair and was way too pretentious. Ben is that rare case of interesting person. He's the most intelligent person I know, and I know he probably has a few faults..They are all things that I'd be able to deal with though, its not like he's anywhere close to insane, like the lot of people i've been involved with. I just hope he likes me. I mean, it feels like he does. But one can never know for sure..I guess mostly just cause i'm super neurotic and paranoid about things like this. I just hope it can come up one day, somehow. Hopefully even though most of our prom business is done, we can still think up reasons to hang out. Ha, i'm actually being counciled by a stranger online about this. god im a loser. I wish I was more self confident. I need to work on that. Hey, even if Ben doesnt like me (which i feel that he does, if only i wasnt so self diffident), he still asked me to prom and we're actually friends, so I should feel pretty cool about that, since he's such an awesome guy. I shouldn't down myseld *that* much. And even though seth is slightly insane and pretentious, he's a good kid and he can be pretty awesome at times, and he liked me, so I figure I should like myself. And then Jon, mr. model buttface, he liked me. And although he's a shallow idiot, he was damned hot. So i mean, I ought to stop thinking im not good enough for these people. But at the same time I probably shouldn't base my worth on what some boy, or anyone else thinks of me anyway. Because if I did that in general I'd probably go crazy. I think anyone would, and a lot of people do. So, thats not the thing for me to do. So on to another subject: how fast do planes go? is it true how in fight club oxygen masks are just used to get people high so they don't panic during a potential crash? When something looks real tiny since you're so far up ahead of it, does the space needed to surpass the object equal the size of how big it actually is, or the size of how it looks? ha, maybe if i paid attention more in high school I would know. Logically, it would be the former, but I mean the laws of physics and geometry are kind of weird. Oh man..I'm almost talking about high school as if it was past tense. ITS NOT...yet. that's gonna freak me out. When high school becomes past tense. eek. 3:56 p.m. - 2005-04-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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