compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the wrong turn could end you up in Denver So, this week rolled in and out without too much of any incidents. Monday, the field trip, was fun. Tuesday I called Ben to tell him that tuyen cancelled the limo and to make sure he got home alright cause this girl thats a terrible driver gave him a ride, and stuff. We got on the subject of Cassie and I asked him, or at least worked it into the conversation, if he just asked me to prom cause of Cassie telling him he ought to. He told me that that was "definettely not why"..then there was a silence. I guess an awkward silence, but not so much because it was more just me letting out a huge sigh of releif and then smiling really big. Only he couldnt see that, I guess. ha. I also do remember that when he asked me to prom he told me that he had been thinking about it for "about a month", but he "kept putting it off"...now looking back cassie had only suggested he ask me about a week before he did..but anyway. ..My mom apparently lost her job, they just laid her off. They didn't even give her a two week's notice which is pretty unethical and fucked up considering she worked for our church. I 'm not too worried about it though, since I heard her on the phone just the other day about some new job. I mean I hope she gets it, hopefully itll be better for her anyway since she has been thinking of quitting that place for a while anyway... So then on friday Mr. D and this girl steph and I went to the Creative Writers Forum, the same thing I went to last year. It was pretty cool, we went to a workshop where the editor of the Baltimore Review told us how and where we can get our work published. She was pretty nice, and I think I was the only person she addressed by name (we introduced ourselves and had name tags) so i felt pretty special. The poet this time wasnt as cool as the guy from last year, but she was still pretty cool. She graduated from Oberlin, so I was slightly jealous. I followed Mr. D all the way there and back, and drove to my dad's house for the first time, so I felt pretty independent. But then veena got mad at me when she came home cause I didn't say hi or somehting, even though I asked her how her trip was. I mean if i'm talking to her I don't see why saying hi is a big fucking deal. I talked to her and it wasnt like i was intentionally being stand offish in any way. But whatever I guess. So the next day, saturday, i was awakened by her and my dad yelling at each other over some trivial crap that happend yesterday. I really hope I don't get like that when I get married. ugh. anyway...So then my dad left and it was just me and her in the house. Ben and I were supposed to go shopping for his tux, so I called as soon as I could and tried to keep myself occupied until he was ready. Then I left and went to go pick him up. phew. Sometimes its nice when you can finally be yourself again. I know veena tries and I don't dislike her, but everytime I see her I feel like somehow she's testing me. Like if I don't talk enough to her then she hates me, or if I don't do something right. But half the time when I do talk to her she ends up talking over me to change the subject or walking away or someshit, and I know whatever I tell her is of little consequence to her, so what's the point? But its not like im intentionally giving her the silent treatment either. I just don't know what to say to keep her interested and not mad at me. So anyway I was just really glad I could see Ben and get out of the house. The one good thing about her is that I could tell her exactly what I was doing, going with my friend and prom date Ben to get his tuxedo. With my mom, I would have to make up some bullshit so I could go. If I told her the truth it would be like.."Why can't he go get it himself? what kind of man is he that he needs you to be there to get his tuxedo? blah blah fucking blah blah blah".. Well, Mom, maybe we want to spend time together. Plus he's colorblind, so he *needed* me On our way to the place, I definettely took a wrong exit and we ended up on route 70. It was like..."Denver...1700 miles" and I was like..oh shit. haha. But I took the first exit out and thankfully I recognized where I was. Then there apparently was a fire somewhere around there and an ambulance came through...and..yeah. For some reason whenever I go anywhere with Ben it always becomes some sort of adventure. So we finally got to the tux place, it was pretty in and out. I got to pick his vest color and pattern, and its this really cool periwinkle hippie print thing. its like "retro paisley" or some shit. So it'll suit him, since he's our resident hippie. ha. We roamed around the area for a while, going to all the guitar places and then stopping at Record and Tape traders to make fun of all the artists on the "bargain" cd racks. I still have no idea if he likes me or not, but we both seem to be operating on the basis of the fact that we like each other is a given. Like..I dunno. I'll explain myself in a second. It's like, we like each other, but we're friends, and we haven't done anything yet. Neither one of us are the type to make any physical moves. I mean he's been to my house a couple times, been in my room once, sat on my bed, we've been to quite a few places together. If it had been any of the other guys I've ever been involved with, he would have at least started holding my hand or have tried to make out with me or something. hahaha. But sometime all that seems a little contrived, and that's how I feel about making those type of moves, although I hope eventually they do end up happening somehow. In a way its really awesome he's not like that, so I know he's not after "my goodies". hahaha. but yeah, I mean I hope he's attracted to me. I dunno. But anyway, back to explaining myself. I told him about my mom, and now we joke about all the ways he could freak her out. Like, call the house and when she asks who it is he'll say "Amy's daughter's father"...or how he can strike up a conversation with her when he picks me up for prom and tell her that right after the dance we're going cross country, and then he's moving to canada since pot is cheaper there and I'm going with him. hahahaha. ooh man. I told him how my mom insists that she meet him before the dance, and even if she can't that day that I bring him home one day and introduce them. He said to tell her, oh yknow, don't worry mom. he's been over plenty of times. Then we talked about how then she would kill him and I would be locked up in my room until I was...30. So somehow, even though it's all joking, it seems that we're both almost assuming without saying that we are in that gray area of almost going out. I told him how my mom may not like the people I date or whatever, but really theres nothing that she can do about it, and he agreed. So in that way, its almost like we agreed that we are dating, in some way. But..yeah. I just hope something concrete happens between us, because I don't want him to go away to ohio without him knowing how much I like him. haha. Oh, and then there was the cd burning thing.. He bought his first cd ever (he usually burns them),with me, from the traders, this hendrix cd. He was talking about the booklet, and I was like..you should burn that for me. haha. So then he goes "yes amy, I would burn this booklet for you!" haha. making fun of me of course. But the notion that he would do something stupid and nonsensical just for me (even though he was joking) made me almost fuzzy inside. After bumming around frederick, we snuck into my moms (she wasn't home but we didnt know where she went or when she'd come back) to get that dc comics encyclapedia that i got from the library. Then we went to the park, and sat on a bench. Ben looked for some trees to climb to no avail, and I tried to lead him to a bridge that I swear was there last time I went, but apparently wasnt since we found no bridge. Oh well. It was fun though. My hand grazed his a couple of times, I wish he would have taken it in his, but then I figure we wouldn't have quite known what to say to each other from there. So then we listened to some Beatles on the way home, I dropped him off and came back to see my aunt from India had arrived. She's a slightly off aunt, but she's nice for the first few days I see her, then she gets annoying, but funny. Anyway, she got me a lot of cool stuff from india and said I've gotten taller and have become a "young lady", so I guess I can't complain (just yet). my stepmom gets way pissed off when they come too, which is slightly understandable, but also given the fact that she overreacts to quite a few things...yeah. I just wish people would relax more often. my stepmother gave me a whole mouthful about how useless my dad is, today in the car. And all the crap about how she doesnt have a good relationship with me or with anyone on my dad's side, and blah blah blah blah..I mean what else can I do but nod and go "mhm."?? This is what I mean by she's so hard for me to hold a conversation with. Although sometimes I can understand where she's coming from, she doesnt like me anyway so what can I even say? I dunno. ugh. Well whatever. I really should be studying for AP exams or something, I can't beleive its the 17th already. Maybe I'll go get on that, but probably not. 3:18 p.m. - 2005-04-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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