compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- no tears in heaven I still can't beleive he's gone. today I was debating whether or not to go to the funeral. What is more respectful? Like, sometimes if youre not like best friends with someone, it seems more respectuful to just not go, so as to not attract sympathy when there are others out there who really need it. But I was friends with him, especially last year, and I figured its best to pay my respects. I feel so bad. Especially for his family and for his close friends. I saw Dan bury his best friend today, and that just got to me. If it was a movie, I would have cried my eyes out. In real life I just stood there, paralyzed. I gave his mother a hug coming to view the body, and she said thank you for coming with horrible tears in her eyes, that pain must be terrible. I saw his face in the coffin, with a slight smile on it. He looked so peaceful, but somehow you could tell there was no life in him. His somewhat muscular face was limp and succumbing. I still can't beleive it though. It still hasn't sunken in. I haven't really full on cried about it, and part of the reason is that one I don't want to put on a show for everyone, two I know that there are people out there feeling tons of more pain then I am, and three because I feel like if I start crying I may not stop. Things like this don't just get better. He's gone from this earth, and no amount of my tears can bring him back, although I wish they could. Man, I sound like such a fake right now, especially how I remember thinking he was a dork because he would bring alcohol to school in gatorade bottles, or just do really odd things sometimes. I mean, I still liked him though. I feel like, I don't know if this is true with all death, but with this it just feels like the moment that I was closest to him is all I can see him as right now. Talking to him in team sports last year, sitting with him on the bus and joking about prom, or his girlfriend, or being "phat", walking with him on the beach earlier this school year, collecting shells and having him make fun of me and this other girl cause we're asian.. heh. It just makes you realize how much some things matter and how much other things don't. I realize that theres no one that I hate. If anyone I know died, anyone, I'd be upset. Some moreso then others of course, but still. Mike really was a good guy though, and I did like him when he was around. I just..feel so bad. But I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, i hate when people ask for sympathy like that and they don't need it. I feel so bad for his family, his best friends. It's terrible. He litterally was buried by family and friends today. It was horrible. Now I just want to go up to everyone I know and like and tell them so. I want to tell Ben how much I like him, I want to tell Seth how he's really a good guy, how Cassie is awesome and how Lacey is a good friend. How Tuyen is one of the best people I know, how I respect Randhal so much, and how much I love Amanda. I could go on forever about all of my friends and how much I appreciate them. I dunno, maybe I should do that. My aunt helped me clean my room today. It's nice because its clean..Just kind of weird because its clean. heh. meeh. I don't know how to feel about this anymore. Obviously sad, of course. Some people annoyed me though. I hate the question "did you cry?" like..What is that supposed to be signifying. Anyway, regardless this is not a contest on who can be more upset about the situation. Nirvana and them were all like oh I tried to cry but I can't. You shouldn't TRY to cry. You either don't or do, and either way it doesnt necessarily mean that one person is more upset then the other. I mean maybe, but not necessarily. It doesnt matter who is more upset, what matters is that he was alive and now he's dead, and how unfortunate that is, and how to comfort his close family and friends. People that didn't know him until today went to his funeral. What is the point of that? Thats ridiculous. Or the people wearing skimpy outfits to the funeral. Ugh. This is not an excuse to get dressed up, this is about a boy who died. I mean yeah if you want to look nice whatever, but in the end it does not matter. don't do it just because its the thing to do. ugh. I dunno, whatever I geuss. It is respectable that they went I guess, and its respectable for those who didnt go didnt go for the right reasons. And either way anyway, I guess I shouldnt judge. I'm just so angry today. Today was a beautiful day. The cemetary was beautiful, and his grave was dug on the top of a green hill. We all took the dirt road and ended up parking in the green grass meadow right across from where he was buried. I still feel like this isnt real, like I'm in a movie. I hope and pray that he's in heaven, and somehow I suspect that he is. I hope he's happy. I still can't beleive it 12:57 a.m. - 2005-04-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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