compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- r.i.p. hi. man I can't beleive it. Life has taken a turn for the weird. So yeah, my aunt is over. She's a nice aunt. She fixed my prom dress, and even though I still have to get a little bit to fix because our sewing machine broke, she did most of it and saved me a *ton* of money. So that's cool. It's just weird having relatives over. My mom gets super fake and weird and slightly annoying, and then I get annoyed. My aunts friend is over. She's nice too..Slightly. hmm. yeah. I dunno. Well she's nice. everyones nice. And I haven't slept in my own bed for days. My futon filling has been wearing down and when I sleep on my back I can feel the bars. A remnant of the old tail bone sinus infection seemed to be creeping back, and I think it may have something to do with my uncomfortable bed. So i went to the docs, they put me on antibiotics, and my mom wants me to sleep in her bed. I dunno. I just..Don't like it. I like being in my own bed with my own things. Both beds are equally uncomfortable, but I'd just rather wake up in my own room. And if I have to wake up in someone else's room, i'd rather it just not be my mom's. I have a paper to write. But right now I can't think too straight. This boy from my school, mike, just died. Yesterday. I still can't beleive it. I mean we wern't best friends, but last year in team sports we would talk a lot, and I did still talk to him. Sometimes he did creep me out, but he was genuinely a nice guy. It's just so weird that one day he's fine and the next he's gone. It was supposedly because of "natural causes": a blood clot in his brain no one knew about until he was hit in the head with a lax ball and went into a coma. I feel especially bad about it because I was talking to ben about him the other day, saying that he invited me to his party once, but since he told me he liked to take advantage of girls there, I declined. I mean, it is true. But even though he was a little..bad in making decisions about women, he was still genuinely a nice guy. You never realize how much you like somebody until theyre gone. I guess that's why dead people are so famous. It just got me thinking about death, how its so final. I mean obviously I guess, but I've never had someone my age close to me die. He'll never do anything again, on earth at least. Thats a lot to fathom. I just expected somehow to see him in school walking around today. I mean..It's just so hard to beleive. He's not one of those people that you see dying this young. its...its crazy. I've never been this close to Death. it feels like we're getting old, so quickly, now that someone we know has died. It's hard to explain. All of a sudden back from spring break, I realized that I stopped liking seth like that. I see him in school, but now I dont feel like I *have* to see him. Whenever kim starts talking about him, I don't feel like crying, I hardly even notice it. Its a liberating feeling, but at the same time i feel like somehow I ought to miss him. The only reason i'm over him is because of ben, I know this. I wish I was stronger that I could do it on my own, but i'm so thankful someone else (who's cooler anyway) has come along. I still love seth as a friend, and I'm worried that it may seem to him like i'm giving him the cold shoulder. I don't intend to be that way, its just such a nice feeling not liking him like that anymore. I hope we're friends forever though. haha. I dunno, I just feel so bad cause I feel like at any time anyone I know could die, and I really oughtn't be giving anyone the cold shoulder, especially someone I'm close to such as seth. Tomorrow I'm planning to be nicer to him. It's nice though, everytime I see Ben. I usually don't see him on B-days, but somehow today we managed to run into each other a couple of times. His cheeks get really pink when I talk to him, its cute. Or maybe its just that I only notice it when I talk to him...I dunno. ha, he saw me in the hallway today putting up fliers for the teacher I aide for, and he cleared his throat really loudly. I guess saying hi first or acknowledging his presence in a more concious way would be too concious. hahaha. I dunno. but it was cute. and then we talked and stuff, about nothing in particular. I hope he likes me. He's one of the most interesting people I've ever met. last summer, he sailed to the Bahamas. i mean I thought I was cool, going by cruise ship. he *sailed*. He wants to motorcycle cross country when he graduates, because its "in his blood" (thats what his grandfather and father did). The difference between ben and other people is that he actually will do it if he wants to. Thats part of what makes him so attractive. I mean, not to mention that he is already, or that he's a genius or anything. oh man. sorry. anyway. So yeah. Life has been weird. I want to sleep in my own bed tonight. 11:36 p.m. - 2005-04-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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