compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hmph ha i wrote this about a week ago... So..Diaryland isn�t working, so I�m writing this in word and hoping that I can post it up on dland sometime. So yeah..Anyway..I don�t know when my last entry was, so ill just start from this weekend. Friday I saw the Ring 2 with Amanda and Thy, and it was..yeah. Don�t waste your money. I mean maybe you�ll like it�but..meh. Then we drove through the cold to friendly�s got ourselves some eatin, and then came home. My mom bitched since I said I was going to be home straight from the movies, but you can�t really deny a poor hungry girl (thy) food, and I mean I guess it was my fault but it wasn�t like we were out gallivanting. Well anyway, since then she�s calmed down a little bit, maybe she thought about how ridiculous it was to get mad at someone for going out to do their homework (and calling and telling her) or some other random bullshit people shouldn�t get mad over. Man, I had so much to say in here in my head but now its all gone, I can�t remember it. Anyway, on Saturday I went to cassies and ben showed up too, and we all watched some Monty Python. Yeah, ben�s my prom date, which makes me feel pretty cool, despite the whole cassie thing of her asking him to ask me (kind of lame)..but then I figured, if he really didn�t want to ask me he would have said so and wouldn�t have, just cause he seems like he�s that type of person. When people were hinting to him to ask this one girl who�s slightly annoying, he just said no. So..yeah. I figure he at least wants to go with me slightly, which makes me happy. But yeah. I�m deciding if I like him or not. Honestly really liking him probably has no point, because one its hard to tell if he�s interested in me and I�m exhausted with stupid little games, and two because we�re graduating and given the best circumstances anything between us would last a total of a few months. But then again, part of me really does want to like him, just because I would feel so much better after the seth situation, and I think that I at least deserve to be happy..Then again he shouldn�t be rebound. So, I dunno. I mean then I don�t know what my actual feelings on him are yet in that aspect. I think he�s an awesome guy but I don�t like him like that really, but then again I feel bad that I may be leading him on with all the prom business. Then, I wonder if maybe he�s leading me on and I�ll end up falling for him like I did with Seth and Homecoming and how much it will hurt to go through any type of that sort of bullshit again with anyone. So I dunno. Again, I�m overanalyzing. All I can say for sure about him is that he�s really interesting, smart, funny, and a great guy, and usually I end up falling for those types of things. But he doesn�t really seem like the type of person too concerned with girls or a relationship, although in the past week he�s said a couple things a little out of (what I thought to be) character..like, �Kermit�s the coolest muppet because he has a girlfriend.� Or �Ms. W is pretty hot�..hahaha. It slightly puts me at ease to know that probably in all honesty he�s like any other guy, while at the same time that frightens the crap out of me. He�s also being more honest then he used to be. Like, I asked him if he would like sharing a limo with lacey, kim, adrianne, and chrissie..and he just kind of paused and slowly said something like �I don�t think that would be very fun.� Hahaha. I didn�t know whether to be relieved or offended, since I half wanted to go with them because of lacey and seth and dave, but then half didn�t because in all honesty I don�t like most of the others either. Speaking of lacey and seth and dave, they hung out this Saturday while I was at cassies with ben, and then later when I was with nikki at the mall. I was slightly hurt that they didn�t invite me, but I mean I wouldn�t have gone anyway since I hardly get to see nikki. I�m glad though that when it comes down to it I could definettely survive without them. I mean anyone can survive without anyone, but you probably get my meaning. I mean I have other friends that I�m just as close with if not closer, so if they ever want to be bitches (not saying they are or were necessarily), its not like I�m gonna be friendless. I have Cassie, and Nikki, and Amanda, and maybe even Tuyen, Lauren and then ben on occasion (although I�m not that close with him, he�s a cool guy and we can hang out). Amanda cried the other day in the car while telling me how much she loved me, and Cassie seems like she would do a lot to make me happy. Nikki, I can talk to about anything, and same with Tuyen, and all that is probably all a girl will ever need. I love all my friends a lot, including lacey and seth and dave of course. But yeah, I�m glad to know that deep down I could be happy without them if I had to be. It�s kind of empowering to me, in a way. Lacey and Seth (lacey on purpose and seth inadvertently I guess) put me through a lot of shit this year, and although I love them, if they ever want to not be friends with me for whatever fucked up reason, I guess I could take it. I mean I wouldn�t ever want that to happen, but you probably understand what I�m saying. I guess I�m paranoid of that happening because that happened to me in 8th grade. But yeah, they don�t seem like that type of people. But, I dunno. I mean only time will tell. I�d probably be really upset if that ever happened, but at least I know I wouldn�t be totally abandoned because theyre not the only people that care about me. I think I�m mostly over seth, although this kim business does get to me from time to time. I�m guessing that they didn�t invite me this past Saturday because kim was with them (which she was, I know for a fact). And, that�s kind of lame. Lacey wrote on her online journal on dA that that night was really grand and some crap. Of course Dave agreed, and now im really curious on what made it so great and I�m worrying that it was the fact that I wasn�t there. I mean probably not, that probably never even crossed their minds, and if it did it was probably just relief that I wasn�t there since Kim was and they wouldn�t want to see me unhappy. But the thing that gets to me the most is that although Lacey and Seth want me and kim to be friends and be �cool� with each other, they at the same time make that as hard as possible. Not inviting me somewhere just because kim�s going to be there isn�t really going to make us the best of friends, and in that way it really has little to do with seth. I asked seth earlier about their limo to see if ben and I could come (because originally tuyen and her date were supposed to go with them too, and her date and ben are friends as well), and he gave me some bullshit about how that may be �uncomfortable� for her. From what I understand, giving her the entire benefit of the doubt, the only person that would make it �uncomfortable� for her wouldn�t be me, it would be seth. Then again I guess I never know with kim. Jeremy insists that I don�t like kim just because of this whole thing that happened with seth. And although there have been times that I haven�t liked her stemming from the unraveling of the seth situation, it was never entirely because I was �jealous� over her and seth. Maybe a combination of that and being pissed off that she was lying about me, spreading rumors, or stealing my friends (or at least how things were happening, maybe she didn�t mean to do any of that), but never solely on the basis of her and seth. Not only that, but I�ve tried to be as nice to her but as truthful with her as I can. The fact that Jeremy goes around declaring that I hate her because of seth pisses me off, one because it makes me feel that maybe she told him that since her and jerm are good friends (which would make her a bit two faced), but it could also be Jeremy trying to make up some drama, so I can�t really be totally reliant on anything he says. And also for the fact that I don�t like everyone thinking they know all of what really goes on with me and telling random strangers, it just pisses me off. So, Kim confuses me slightly. I mean from what I hear from seth (or at least how seth makes it out to be), she�s still suspicious that I may like him (I don�t see how either way it would matter), and that I�m going to do something to get him back (I�m not her�I wouldn�t advertantly try at this point to �get him back�), and then gets jealous over us, say, walking to a class together (since our classes are in the same direction). Amanda says that none of this is true, but sometimes I can see some aspects of it. Like, today after school seth calls my name and is about to run up to me, but kim grabs his backpack like he�s some sort of dog on a leash. I mean maybe she was just kidding or didn�t think about it that much and maybe I shouldn�t be analyzing it, but from my perspective it looked like she was basically trying to restrain him from talking to me. And then the thing at the diner that one day, it looked to me like seth kept pulling away from kim and kim was getting angry, but according to Amanda who talked to her about it, it was the other way around. I mean, I guess I�ll never know. I mean, it probably doesn�t matter too much, I�m just curious on her feelings on anything, because I always get two different stories and I don�t know if its her feeding out two different things or its other people trying to make themselves or her look better. Like with lacey, all I get from her is that kim is ditzy and innocent, which anyone standing a mile away from kim could assume about her. So that�s a little frustrating. I mean I don�t think kim is that innocent. I mean she�s probably drank more then I have and had more experience with boys then I have, and I don�t consider myself completely innocent. The whole innocent thing seems just like..a gimmick to get people to like her. Or maybe more in this case an excuse for lacey to like her. But anyway, all I ever get from lacey is �None of it was ever kim�s fault at all� or when lacey figures out that something kim supposedly told her I did was false, its �oh well she�s a little spacey and ditzy so maybe she just said it wrong�..yeah. whatever. Then according to what kim told Amanda, lacey pretty much keeps probing for kim to tell her things, and leading kim into false conclusions about me. So I mean, I dunno. I�m sure each side has their truth, but its one big circle of blame that I feel no desire to be a part of. Then, looking at kim in her perfectly curled hair and little polo shirt and her makeup and cute accessories, I wonder how I was even able to compete with that. I mean I never try that hard ever. Theres nothing wrong with trying that hard, and I mean eventually I do want to be put-together like that more..But it�s just funny to me how ms. Cheerleader and I could be fighting over the same guy. I mean, just that the same type of guy could like both of us. I don�t know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. I�ve always had a complex where I felt I didn�t look as near as attractive as almost anyone I knew, so in a way being somewhat on par (at least according to one boy) with a cheerleader with nice hair and preppy clothes could be considered a compliment. Then again I feel like I�m so much more then that, and I should be insulted. But I mean..whatever I guess. Seth told me a few days ago that he finds me �extremely beautiful.� That was nice to hear, although it�s a somewhat odd thing to say to a girl whose heart you broke (if you could call me that) who you�re good friends with while you have a girlfriend. But I mean, it was nice to hear none the less I guess. Hah. Wow. If this was my senior year report I�d almost be done, going by the length of this entry in word. I wish I had as much to say about Catcher in the Rye (which I�ve read so many times) as I do for a few days of my somewhat boring life. 11:02 a.m. - 2005-03-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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