compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- where'd all the good people go? God. I�m so fucking tired of Internet Explorer and the fucking internet. I�m so fucking tired of trying to write something and then copying it only to have it close up and then everything I copied won�t paste. Those are my fucking thoughts. And everytime I try to write them it erases them. I tried writing an entry for the second time just now, and it closed on me and I just burst into tears. I hate this. I fucking hate this. I fucking hate being so unlucky. Ugh. Fine. Fucking back to square one. I�m going to get this typed up if it�s the last thing I do, because its for my sanity. So yeah. This week has so far been a bit�shitty. I�ve realized over the past few weeks that there are quite a few things I would like to change about myself. I realize I come off as a meek person. And I realize that I have no self confidence, and everyone can tell, even though I thought no one noticed. I also am not dedicated to anything. I really wish I was dedicated to something, then maybe I�d have a fucking purpose. Anyway, I really do want to change, but I�m not quite sure where to start. So yeah. This week has been shitty. I have been trying really hard to be in a good mood and to appreciate high school and life (cause I know I�m going to miss it next year), but it�s just getting hard. I just feel so unlucky. Like in relationships, take the whole seth incident for example. I know I should be over it by now, and part of me is, but part of me isn�t. And I don�t want to blame anyone, but part of that is due to�everyone. Like kim, I have to hear her talk about seth all the time around me, or Amanda and lacey, who think kim is the greatest fucking thing since sliced bread and are my friends too. Well at least with Amanda, she tells me that she loves us both. With Lacey its more like..hey let me talk about kim and seth to you and then when you get mad I�ll scream at you about how none of it is kim�s fault (and so I guess that makes it mine???). I mean no one was saying that any of it was kim�s fault, but I have a right to be upset with the girl, at least for the first initial week or so. No one ever gave me that fucking chance without making me feel like shit about it. Cause then yknow, I�m the bad person. And then it becomes �well kim isn�t upset with you so what is your problem with her?� okay, yeah well I didn�t really do anything to her. She got what she wanted. She ripped it away from me. Of course she isn�t going to really have a problem with me (which she supposedly did when she told people that I went around giving Shelby seth�s phone number, which never happened..I heard later Shelby made her believe that..But also the incident when seth walked with me to a class and she got upset. I mean imagine how SHE would have been in MY shoes if him walking me to a class gets her that upset.), because I didn�t do anything to her. And whatever I supposedly did to her, which people accuse me of, whatever it was nothing came out of it. She still got and has what she wants, so there isn�t any reason for her to dislike me and you can�t really compare the two. Anyway, I don�t have that much of a problem with who she is anymore. I mean she annoys me, and I don�t know if that�s just cause of seth. But yeah, whatever. I�m trying to like her. I really am. But anyway, I just seem to have this thing with�luck. I don�t know. That�s the only thing I can attribute it to. I seem to have a big lack of any luck in my life. And that�s probably a cop out since people �determine their own luck� and other bullshit like that. And I guess in the grand scheme of things I�m pretty lucky to have a house and a family and food everyday. But its like..I don�t know. It just seems like no matter how hard I try with anything I�m going to fail. I don�t know why I feel that, and I know I shouldn�t because that�s only going to make it come true. But it�s one of the worst feelings in the world. Like again, with the whole relationships thing. No matter how close I feel with seth, he�s only ten times closer to Lacey and Kim and Dave. No matter how close I feel with Lacey or Cassie at any point, they�re just ten times closer with each other. And all of my friends..amanda, t, everyone, same thing with other people. I feel like..I�m trapped in a box and no matter how loud I scream, I won�t be able to reach the decibel point of more then one tenth of everyone elses voice. I just feel really isolated, and I�ve been trying not to, but things just haven�t been working for me. Like with this kim thing, right now the thing that makes me the most upset is a disparity in fortunes. She talks to lacey now more, and part of that is probably my fault, but its also hard for me to talk to lacey when all she does is accuse me of shit with kim and/or talk about kim and seth with me. Today I saw her and I was kind of hoping she wasn�t going to be at school (I know that�s mean, but it just helps not being reminded of how much I suck for a little while), and of course there she was..in seth�s hoodie. I know this is juvinile, but when I saw her I just felt like crying. Heh. I guess the hoodie is now the new varsity jacket. Like in the old days girlfriends used to wear their boyfriend�s varsity jacket. Now it�s the hoodie. But anyway..It just still hurts and I feel so pathetic that it does. I just feel like he was ripped away from me and I don�t know what I did to deserve that, or what she did to have him when I couldn�t. Its not even so much that she has him as in seth, but more that she has someone, the same person that I almost did and then was suddenly ripped from me and given to her. I mean I don�t know what I did to deserve that. I mean what do I have to do to be happy for once? I know I can make my own happiness, but why do I have to do that when it seems that for the most part everyone else gets handed reasons to be happy. I mean like I said, I am grateful I have a house and a family and food, not to mention a car and clothes and a room with the computer I�m typing this on. I guess maybe I�m spoiled. But, I just see everyone around me in much better circumstances then I, and I wonder what makes them so much better people that they can have what I can�t. I would gladly trade for an older car in order to have a best friend that I could count on, or have to get a job if it meant that somewhere there would be someone really missing me. I mean yeah I have things as far as the material sense, but that never mattered much to me. Yeah theres Randhal, but as luck would have it I never get to see her. I just feel so distant and isolated from everything I wish I was a part of. Kim gets to be with seth. She gets to talk to him everyday, see him, be with him, whatever. And all I get is the ghost of a relationship. She�s always with someone. I�ve survived so long without anyone, and the one time I needed it was the time that I couldn�t have it and yet she could. It was just odd, because he supposedly liked us the same amount (if anything he liked me more, or at least he acted that way), and then one day when he has to �decide�, she calls him and all of a sudden he changes his mind. Lucky me. And then theres tennis. I�m the female who�s been on the team the longest, and yet I�m the worst among the veteran players. I know I can�t blame this on anyone but myself. I wish I was stronger, and I can work on that and make myself be, but it just sucks to know I suck that much. I mean, even the girl who was the worst player last year beat me. We pretty much tied and deuced the last game, but on match point my agenda book sitting in the bleachers got caught in the wind and my papers went flying everywhere. It�s kind of hard to concentrate when that happens. I don�t want to make any excuses..But..yeah. I slacked off with the rest of my games after that cause I kind of gave up. I mean at least I won against the new players. But even the coach was like..win something dammit. I mean he said it nicer then that. I think he even feels bad for me that I still suck this much. I mean I dunno. Maybe if I just had a better attitude things would improve. But its kind of hard to do that sometimes. Like on Tuesday, I was just having a terrible day. So I call Amanda in hopes that somehow she would be able to make me feel better. We ended up going to barnes and noble together to do our homework, and I called my mom and told her that I went to Ellicott city to do my homework (we were at first going to go to place on mainstreet but everything was close), and yet she still kept on calling when I was trying to finish, and then yelled at me about not telling her where I was and how I only have �one more chance� and shit. Because why? I went somewhere to do my fucking homework. What a great end to a shitty day. Well, this week is almost over and im glad. Maybe ill try a personality makeover over the weekend and hope that next week is better, because maybe everything is my fault. And I�m tired of everything being shitty for me and being out of my control. I don�t know how else to say it. Ugh. We learned in psych that when things are out of ones control, that�s when they get the most depressed and stressed out. So maybe that�s why I feel so shitty about everything. I just feel so insignificant to everyone and the worst part is that I was trying not to be but I still am. I don�t know what to do anymore. I guess the only thing to do is just to be positive and optimistic, but sometimes�it�s impossible. 2:23 a.m. - 2005-03-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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