compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i live on the corner of grey street So yesterday I finally got what i've been needing/wanting for a while. Cassie and I hung out. I was surprised my dad let me, and i felt bad cause we were all about to go to a movie..But i mean..would i rather go to his crazy friend's house afterwards, or spend some time with my own crazy friend? haha. The answer to that should be obvious. Anyway..we saw Finding Neverland (which was an awesome/depressing movie..Johnny Depp is adorable), and then went to her house to have a dance party in her basement. I found out that I apparently have "a thing" for skinny redheads. ha. Anyway. Well she called Lacey first but guess where she was going..Yeah. Thats right, Kims. It really really bothered me at first and when I came home last night I couldnt sleep because I just kept on thinking about how angry I am and will be if I not only lost Seth in that way, but also end up losing lacey, dave, and seth as friends because of her, when she's not even that cool. Okay, for my own sanity, like I've said before, I just need to admit to myself that I really don't like her. I tried to, I really did. But between her changing personalities depending on who she hangs out with, her constant cry for pity despite having everything I want, and the fact that everyone thinks she's the biggest effing sweetheart in the world, I can't like her. I'd probably go insane if I did. What I'm trying to do, is just give my friends the benefit of the doubt for now. Of course Seth wants to hang out with Kim, and Dave wants to hang out with Seth, and Lacey wants to hang out with Dave. So its only natural that they all do a few times. It bothers me the nature of how everything worked out though. I mean, I just don't like the fact that Kim will talk to me about Seth as if I'm completely over him, but not invite me anywhere as if I'm completely not. But anyway, people are allowed to hang out with whomever they want. If this ends up becoming a routine thing though, then it kind of sucks for Lacey and them because they would be ditching their older friends (ie: cassie and myself) for Kim, who one doesnt even know who she is at all, and who two won't even be around here next year. I mean, cassie and I may not be either. But you'd think that one would want to spend time with people theyre really gonna miss next year, instead of this..Yoko. UGH. Okay, she's not really cool enough to be a Yoko really. So really, I don't know what else to call her right now. Miss Piggy maybe. Heh. Yeah I guess its a little immature that i've resorted to name calling of people in my journal, but so is telling me that you "don't have a valentine" after...for lack of better phrasing..taking mine. I know I said I wasn't going to talk about her, but I'm getting bitter. Really bitter. Anyway, like I said, giving them the benefit of the doubt. I had a long conversation with God about this last night (ha..sounds cheesy, I know), and from what I gathered things only destroy themselves so they can come back better. If it wasnt for this whole thing, I probably wouldnt have gone to cassies yesterday and cassie and I wouldnt have started to get as close. If it wasnt for this then I probably wouldnt have ever been able to talk to Lacey like i feel like I can (or at least felt) now. Kim's pretty much...a baby. If they really honestly rather hang out with her then me, then maybe it's me who has just outgrown them. Maybe I am too good for Seth. I mean in the sense that where I am right now is on a different level then where he is. He essentially just wants a middle school type relationship under the disguise of something real, at least it seems. I mean i don't know, I haven't been in many relationships myself, but when I said I liked him, I really meant it. And when he said he liked me, I guess it kind of meant that he could like me and if he can't have me then he'll settle for someone else just as long as its a person. Like when he broke up with kim for a short while he came crawling back within a day. So its easy to see that his idea of a relationship is something that can be enjoyed when it is occurring, but nothing significant enough to care about when its over. I mean if he actually truly cared about her, he wouldve spent a little more time greiving, and if he actually cared about me, even just as a friend, he would have learned to be a little less reckless with my heart. I don't know. I just think maybe he needs to grow up a little, then I think he'd be perfect. Kim needs to grow up a lot too, but in a different sense then he does because surprisingly even she is a lot more mature then seth when it comes to the things he's a little boy about. I'm just trying to transcend all this crap and realize that things will be different, things will get better. If things don't work out between me or my friends, maybe they werent meant to and maybe it just means better people will come along. I think they'll work out though, and i would definettely miss them it didn't. This can't go on forever like this, it really can't. Its like...putting a puzzle together wrong and shoving all the peices together, how long will it take for people to realize that theres A LOT wrong with this picture. It's senior year, and it will have a happy ending. I can feel it. 12:07 p.m. - 2005-02-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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