compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .............. So Yeah. I'm writing this in Notepad and then sometime tomorrow I'm going to put it up in Diaryland. I don't know why, but i feel the need to write (and vent) since I haven't all week. So for the past couple of days, and most recently, I've felt cut off from my outlets of sanity (cassie, randhal, and my new one; lauren) for..a while. Randhal, I haven't been able to hold a conversation with in FOREVER, since she is still pretty much grounded for something small she did MORE THAN a month ago..how shitty is that. ugh. I hate parents sometimes. They act so useless. And then theres cassie, whom I haven't hung out with in a few weeks. Lauren, I talked to this wednesday online, which is when she officially became (in my head) the newest member of Amy's sanity club. But alas, I didn't get to talk to her yesterday, and today when I IMed her she never responded. I hope she'd not mad at me or something, although I don't know for what it would be. hmph. This week has had a few irksome things occur within it. Today going outside at night to my dad's car (yeah..I'm at my dad's now. whoopdeedoo.), I saw what appeared to be the remains of a condom on my front steps. Now..Ew. That just pissed me off. I understand that theres litter and it was windy, but there is NO REASON a used condom should be on my property. It just makes me feel like my neighborhood is becoming the ghetto or something. Ugh. Another thing..Something small, but it pissed me off none the less. We received these AOL trash discs that everyone gets in the mail, and on the cd cover they show a reproduction of the famous painting Nighthawks by Edward Hopper on the front. One of my favorite paintings. Anyway, they EDITTED it so that the guy sitting alone across from the couple has a fucking laptop computer with the shitty little AOL logo all big on the screen. Okay. I think the advirtizers completely missed the point of this painting. It's kind of supposed to symbolize alienation and isolation, and you give the guy a computer, just another way for him to become more lonely and crappy feeling. like..feel like shit WHILE paying AOL for their shitty wireless service. I dunno. It just pissed me off. What else pissed me off? This thai restaurant that we used to go to is closed now. I mean there are a lot of thai restaurants around here, and it wasn't the best or anything, but it still makes me sad. The owner there was the nicest to me. And the walls were blue. And now it's just "space availible" all of a sudden. I love Jesus, but sometimes I just feel he's up there laughing at me. Seriously. Ugh. Then theres the whole seth business, a constant cloud over my head. On tuesday when I saw him he was being oddly nice to me; after school when i saw him walking with Kim, after he saw me he walked with me to our normal meeting spot. Then later, when I came into play rehearsal for something, he didn't say much but came up and gave me one of those hugs, offered me some animal crackers, and stared at me with that look in his eye. At least it seemed so, maybe it was in my head. It made me feel happy though. For a day, at least. On monday me and this kid made him a valentine as a joke that said "everything you say is magical" ahaha. Actually the other kid, shaun, said it for some reason. I guess he was being random but i told him it would make a great valentine. So we cut out a heart from this cardboard stuff, and then i painted it blue and scratched out the words with my car keys. It was pretty hardcore. I haven't given a valentine since grade school, way back when. Even though it was a joke, that boy should feel pretty special. he's the only boy that ive kissed, thats been to my room, and that i've willingly made a valentine for. God damn him. And here he is liking KIM. ugh. No, i mean i love seth (as a friend), but this whole thing still sucks. I hate it, i really do. What I hate even more is that I feel like I could definettely potentially lose Lacey as a friend, as well as Dave and Seth because of her too. Now it seems like it may become Lacey and Dave and Kim and Seth as far as hanging out goes, and I don't seem to fit into that equation since it involves two "couples" (although I find it hard to think of kim and seth as a couple) and..yeah. So either I won't be invited or I'll be the fifth wheel. THANKS A LOT. ugh. How am I supposed to like this girl now? I mean personally she's okay, she's nice. But she's taking away everything I have, at least that's what it feels like. And I'm supposed to LIKE her? please..Ugh. Today she was whining to ME about how she's not going to have a valentine "once again" this year. I wanted to be like uh, SETH?! but i figured, hey, why waste my time if she's that effing dense. It just really pissed me off that she had the stupidity and audacity to whine to me about not having a valentine, when she knows she took the only boy whom I've ever liked THAT much for herself, as well as the fact that she flirts with a least one other guy A LOT. yeah, okay. And you're whining about not having a valentine. You have seth, the one thing I wanted and thought that maybe I could have, as well as all these other people up your ass, and you're whining about not having a valentine. i...HATE..that. She said that her father will be her valentine, but her father is every year. hm..yeah. Okay. Of course there was someone around to be like "aw kim you are so precious." The next time I have to hear about kim being precious, or soooo pretty, or soo innocent and angelic, and soo the greatest person in the world, I'm going to go crazy. I am going to snap. She's okay I guess. But please, don't make her out to be this perfect person. I'm not going to sit here and talk about her (although I am tempted), or say the things I've heard about her (although I am tempted), but I will just say that she tries really hard to fit in and likes to change with whoever she's around. I think even she will admit that. But anyways, ugh. Before I get a hemmorrage, maybe it's best to change the topic. Before I do I would like to add that Kim and Seth make as good of a couple as Miss Piggy and Kermit do, and when I was little I had a big crush on Kermit and it always pissed me off that he was with miss piggy. It seems that life has imitated art, and has become my lifelong struggle and question: "why is kermit with miss piggy??" ARRGH. I confronted Lacey about the whole potentially leaving me out thing, and the fact that she essentially told them that I didn't matter, in regards to seth and kim initially going out. She somehow apologized for it, and said that its not that seth is too good for me, but more that i'm too good for him. That he's not ready for a significant relationship right now, and that that's all she can really see me in. Kim, on the other hand, has a lot of "cheap relationships". Okay, I can buy that. That actually made me feel a little better for the time. That is how it is to an extent. I do want a real relationship, and Seth no matter how much he says he wants that too, isn't really ready for one right now. Kim and Seth won't last, but it is a pain to hear about it everyday. I hope that Lacey meant what she said. I think she did, cause she usually doesnt lie like that to someone. Anyway, it made me feel a little happier at the time. I dunno I've somewhat reverted though cause I heard that her and seth and lacey and dave are going to go skating sometime this weekend. I dont knnow if its actually going to happen or not, but of course I wasn't invited. Now not only am I upset about losing Seth (but a little less so after I heard what Lacey had to say, which seems somewhat right at least(, but i feel like I may lose Lacey and Dave as well. ARRGH. argh argh argh. I just want to keep my friends and have a couple people around that care about me and are willing and able to spend time with me. Why is that so much to ask for? So today was my second friday in a row not doing anything. I guess this time it was my fault since I was invited to go play laser tag with a bunch of people. It may have been fun, but the thing is I haven't hung out with ANY of the people who were going to go before, I highly doubt my mom wouldve let me go, and I mean..I thought about it, and I don't want to have friends just for the sake of having friends, I want to have friends that are actually friends. I mean all the people going I'm cool with, but its no one I've ever had a legitimate conversation with, or even an intimate conversation with. They might as all well be friendly strangers. I mean they're nice and all, but I don't want to whore my time and myself around just because I feel that I'm a loser with no friends. Ugh..speaking of whore, Jake (the snake) imed me earlier this week too. At first I talked to him just to be nice, started complaining about not having a prom date (which DID NOT mean I wanted to take him), but then he offered to go with me and i said I'd think about it. He also invited me to his house this weekend with some of his random friends. But thats a definite NO. The guy steals cars and has been to jail and goes street racing. not cool not cool not cool. It may be cool in the movies, but its effing creepy as hell in real life. He scares the crap out of me. Not being scared for his life due to his recklessness, more like being scared for my life due to his insanity. He is seriously insane. Its hard to explain how or why, but if you talked to him you'd know what I was talking about. He sent me a picture of himself, and I forgot exactly how skeezy looking he was. He had that not shaved in weeks overgrown but barely there mustache and goatee thing going on, as well as bloodshot eyes and a large white tee shirt and some insane clown posse wrist bands or some crap, and it just made me want to vomit. That night when i was done talking to him i hid under my covers thinking about how scared i'd be if i actually did have to see him again. He scared me THAT much. The next day, the first thing I get when I get online is "hey beautiful" from him. ew. ewewew. So i don't respond and he starts freaking out. I tell him brb until he has to leave himself, and then I blocked him when he wasn't on. Smooth, I know. I feel so releived about that right now. oh man.. In other news, I got a cell phone. I'm not really too excited about it at all yet actually, since cell phones piss me off. Theyre like carrying around little computers. I'm sure eventually I'll use it though, i guess. I dread becoming one of those cell phone junkies though. eew. Anyway, so i programmed a bunch of people in it already so I feel cool. I haven't even given the cell number to anyone, and yet I'm disapointed that i've received no calls. What is wrong with me? man..I hate cell phones though, I really really do. It was all random too. I got it cause my aunt put me and my mom on her family plan, so its only ten dollars per phone per month, and then we have to eventually pay for the phones. but..yeah. I dunno. wow, this week really was long. 2:56 p.m. - 2005-02-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||