compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when theres trouble you know who to call.. aah fuck i hate my computer. in the middle of typing an entry it just closed i.e. on me. i copied some text in preparation for my computer being an asshole, and now its not pasting. well fuck. ugh. Well lets try this again.. Right now I have a lot of crap rattling around in my brain. College (i should probably be thinking about that the most but im not), worrying about friends (that they still like me, although i havent done anything to my knowledge as of recent to have them not like me, im just paranoid i guess..but i dunno), and seth, and the fact that im still thinking about seth. I mean its been a month since he was basically like "it will never work" or whatever. Then again, his word cant be entirely trusted because he said the same hting about kim at one point, and im still bothered about it. Ugh. In general, i just kind of feel really unimportant and crappy. Like, im not important to anyone really. Which makes me miss how things were with seth even more because i was starting for a time to feel like i was somewhat important, when i was with him. but i dunno. I mean i appreciate my friends, and i think they care about me somewhat, but it seems it may just be because i care about them..I mean i dont know. Its more my problem then theirs. But yeah. Today i was reading a friend of mine's journal, who is incidentally dating seth's older brother, and she's really happy with him, which is nice. Reading about it though definettely reminded me of how i felt with seth, and how much I missed that. Its just, the fact that I had somethiing great in my hands that seemed like it was about to take off was just kind of ripped from my hands, and im still not over it. I really really wish i was. But i don't want to tell most people im still bereaved because then i may lose my friends, and thats the last thing I want. And then i step back and look at this situation and just feel really sorry for myself. Just that telling most people about how i feel will mean ill lose my friends, and i was kind of thrown into this situation. I mean i dunno. I feel a little victimized by everything, unvindicated, and villified. I somehow feel like no one cares and everything is crap for me, and that somehow it's my fault, although I don't quite know why or how to fix it. I really want to stop writing and dwelling on this situation, but for some reason I can't until I feel better. I mean I do feel a lot better then I had a month or so ago, but im not entirely over it and i really want to be. I mean i want to be his friend, I want to stop liking him completely and not care AT ALL that him and kim are together, but i can't for some reason and its really bothering me. Being "pessimistic" about everything is just making me feel worse. Like thinking that he never liked me or whatever, which is what a few people have suggested I think. That makes me feel a lot worse. Ugh. I dunno. Sometimes people give bad advice i guess. I dunno. I'm kind of mad at myself for being mean to my mom so much. Like she gives this big fake smile to me and i can't help but kind of just be like..ugh. go away. Or she'll want to watch some stupid show with me and i can't just suck it up and watch it with her for some reason. Or she'll come into my room and be like "what are you doing?" and i just tell her to go away. I mean this has been like this for a while, and I don't know how to stop it. I love my mom and all, but everytime i try to talk to her about anything, she'll use it against me or use it as a reason to arouse suspicion or a reason to not let me do something. So i stopped telling her anything. Now its just uncomfortable talking about anything with her. I mean, I dunno. I wish I was better at this. But im not. And i mean I guess I shouldn't blame my mom, but in some ways its kind of hard not to. I'm afraid to watch a lot of things with her because it may mean that she won't let me watch them anymore for some stupid reason about it being "unchristian" or something like that. Like when i was little we'd watch friends together and she'd always say "you arn't supposed to be watching this" after a crude joke, and it just got kind of uncomfortable, and I just kind of got really uncomfortable around her. I'm a little like that with my dad too, but not so much. I mean I can watch a movie with him and have fun, or be with him and things be fine, but its just hard telling them stuff. I mean my dad wouldnt use it against me or anything, but i just am not the type of person to go to my parents with problems, and sometimes i feel kind of bad about that, that im not as close to them as i could be, and im always preoccupied in my own thoughts and can never share them with very many people..or when i do (like in this journal), they come out really lame-like and don't amount to much at all. I just wish someone would save me. But I mean, everyone says that, so it probably means nothing that I say that. You've probably heard that millions of times before and now it means next to nothing, just like this entry. Oh well. 6:05 p.m. - 2005-02-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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