compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i'd give a lot just to go where you go so yeah. At my dads. blahdeeblah. It was snowing outside earlier, but I'm afraid to check now if it still is. Actually, I don't know if I want it to snow this time or not. I probably don't, since I have a field trip on Monday and tomorrow is well..Sunday. But, one cannot get over the initial excitement and potential for a free day off because of snow..even if it means a field trip. I don't know. I'm just weird. So right now my nose is stuffy and my stomache is in a knot and i'm sitting here kind of bored, worrying about my friends. I don't really have anything in particular to worry about I guess. So, really, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Yesterday I met up with Lacey and Dave and Seth at the mall, it was nice. I had to come a little earlier then they could, since my dad lives close to the mall and figured it would be easier to just drop me off then to come back, which made sense. At first I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to manage to get them on the phone but finally at the last minute I was releived that I did. I have this overwhelming paranoia that these people that I hang out with, these friends of mine, don't really like me and may just be hanging out with me because of pity, or something. I guess thats somewhat unfounded, but its pretty much the remnants of the trauma I had back in eight grade when my so called best friends for a couple years at least decided that they hated me and wernt going to hang out with me anymore. Okay, call me immature that it still bothers me. Whatever. Truthfully, I was a loser back then. I mean I still am in some ways, most ways, but i was even moreso back then. And, we were in eight grade. People are stupid in eighth grade. But its still scary to me that they were my closest friends at the time, and they told me they "loved me" and then one day its just like "amy's annoying lets not hang out with her." I mean, I'm not still mad at them. I'm just..worried, that eventually it will happen again. And I'm so scared I'm going to do something and fuck up my friendships, even though I know I'm not really a best friend to anyone right now, its just that a couple people are my best friends. I mean, its not that im really that close to anyone, but I mean, "best" is relative. I love my friends, but I know that right now they're closer with each other then they are with me. That's fine, they've all been friends for longer then I actually stopped this whole "screw you guys for not inviting me places" and decided to go out there and ask THEM to places. yeah. I don't know why I'm thinking about this so much, because I know that theyre not the type of people to do that to me (leave all of a sudden), but I dunno. Plus i don't want to turn this into a "self fullfilling prophecy" type thing either. I mean, i'm not saying anyones faking it because its not them, its me just being paranoid..I think at least. At least now I'm not letting my paranoia take over everything, which is what I did all through 9th grade, tenth grade, and a bit of 11th too, where I accused everyone of not liking me when I wasn't invited places and then further alienating them. Burned most my bridges that way. Good one, Amy. ha. I don't know why I'm so neurotic about finding friends, when it should come naturally. Today in some ways I was kind of happy, cause for the first time in a while it felt that I really did have a few people out there that cared about me. I'm just hoping they really do and it's not my wishful thinking. So yesterday was just nice in general. At lunch, I couldnt find my lunch money, and some sweet boy who I don't know gave me a dollar for lunch and when I got all excited and thanked him he nodded and walked away. aw. heh. and then I felt productive being mr. L's aide, I did some listy crap for him and alphabetized it in a few seconds in excel, which he didn't know how to do and therefore made me look cool (yes..i am a loser). Oh, and I editted and finished ALL my articles in journalism in one period, that made me happy too. I usually don't think about school, but sometimes when I feel accomplished I do..Sometimes. Anyway, so then my dad and I went to Arby's for dinner later and despite all the confusion and me being paranoid that they wernt going to answer/show up at the mall, I met up with seth lacey and dave at the mall after about 40 minutes of sitting on a bench near the food court reading Catch-22. I didn't mind at all, really, I'm just glad they came. And, they went to the extra far mall just for me, since it was close to where my dad lives and i doubt he wouldve let me go if they went to columbia or something. So we went walking around, and I realized that we've all grown up in some ways. It used to be going to claires, hot topic, and some little stupid store everytime we went to the mall. Well not guys going to claires of course, but thats cause when I was younger I didn't hang out with boys. Now its strictly cd and movie stores, because we are cool..like that. Anyway, I kept on telling seth that he looks like nightcrawler, cause he did something particularly nightcrawlery and then got annoyed when I told him. heh. Well, he does. incidentally, kim thinks so too. psh. anyway. Yeah, so seth and I kind of trailed behind dave and lacey a lot of the time, which was okay, cause it didn't feel like I was the third wheel or anything like that. We sang along with josh groban when his song came on in the mall (seth and I), and..stuff. At one point he was talking about wanting to wear a powder blue suit to prom, except he's not going because he "doesn't have a date." Uhm, please. This boy has had girls lining up for his stupid butt since the beginning of the year and now he's trying to pull that pity "i don't have a date" business again. I was like, well, why dont you go with Kim? For some reason he didn't have a response to that. But it makes sense right/ that since he's "talking" to her, that they go together. I mean I'd be happy if they didn't, but then again I wouldnt do anything to stop them, and I wouldn't be happy if they were both sad about it, if you know what I mean. I mean, but that's how he got me to ask him to homecoming, when he told me about how he may have wanted to go but didn't have a date. So I was wondering, does he deep down want to go with ME? And if so, does he at least subconciously like me more then her? heh. Okay, I'm overanalyzing things again. It's all in my head. Thursday night after church service I really convinced myself that I was so far above this ("this" being feeling so hurt by some stupid teenage boy who's obviously fickle who likes some teenage girl who's also fickle, and thus characterizing most stereotypical short lived and unconsequential high school relationships), that if i tried I could probably do a lot better then him, or something. But after hanging out with him on friday, I thought about how much fun we had/have together, and even though underneath it all everything is messed up, hanging out with him makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. haha. Well maybe it's just my friends in general, because I love them. But he's really the icing on the cake, for some reason. Of course, until he freaks out on me. Actually, I don't really mind that all that much either I guess. We went to suncoast and i found little nemo on dvd, which made me REALLY happy, but i didn't have enough money for it so seth bought it for me as I guess a birthday present, although when I get the money I'll offer to pay him back. but yeah. So we saw some kids we knew there at the mall, and one of their girlfriend's told me I was "really pretty" ha. That made my day. and so yeah. I felt bad cause lacey took me home and I got lost inside my dad's development..yeah im dumb. But it was dark and its hard to see from the backseat exactly where everything is. But it was only one wrong turn and i had my dads cell (this huge outdated almost rotary cell..haha. but a still a cell.) so it came in handiful. yeaah. But it was a good day, for the most part. Today I sat around worried that lacey may hate me now or something, even though she's not like that at all. Back to me being paranoid..yeah. I watched little nemo and then we went to this nice itallian restaurant when my dad and stepmom came back from work, as a belated birthday thing for me. It was good. We rented KillBill on DVD but it was all scratched up so we couldnt watch it, which sucked. oh well. I just talked to seth online. It was an actual conversation for once, but then he always leaves all of a sudden and that kind of sucks. boo. Well he was complaining that he couldnt go to kims cause of the weather and how he only gets to see her sometimes and that it "doesn't look like we're gonna be able to make it work that much longer". hm. yeah. I mean part of me gets a little happy when I see/hear that. But in all reality its just as likely to work/not work regardless of what i hear or he says, and even if it doesn't it doesn't mean im going ot be standing next in line for him, because im not, or at least i'm going to try not to be. i really need to move on, i've realized this. In some ways I have, and i don't mind the state i'm in right now (liking him a little, and also liking him a lot as a friend, but not liking him the way i did, so much to cry about it and not eat or sleep or whatever the hell I was doing that made everything miserable)..But.yeah. I mean i'm not counting any chickens before they hatch, and me waiting for them to breakup or "stop talking" or whatever, is just wrong. I'm not waiting for it really, although I have ot honestly say I'd feel a little more carefree if they wern't "together" or "talking" or whatever. But that's expected, I'm sure. Anyway, I kind of just wanted to be like well at least you have someone to go to, you shoudl be happy about that because I don't, you should be happy you're not alone. But then, that probably wouldve been taken the wrong way. Later I asked him why he wouldnt take Kim to his junior prom and he's like "i might" and then he just decided to go. boo. I managed to tell him that he really shouldnt be complaining about not having a date like he was cause he knwos a bunch of girls would go with him, gbut i dunno if he ended up reading that or caring that i said that or anything. oh well. whatever, i guess. I can still hear it hailing/snowing outside..Cool? I dunno. kind of..i guess. my mom and randhal are at this women's conference thing in PA, so I hope they make it home okay..meh. 10:39 p.m. - 2005-01-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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