compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A self-therapy session thinking back a few month ago, before the whole thing with seth turned into the mess it became, I don't think I'd ever want to go back there. The places I've visited in my mind when I felt abandoned by him, i dont think I ever want to go to those places again, at least not for a very very very long time. I mean I dunno, maybe I'm being a little overdramatic. It WAS my first kiss though. and he WAS my first date to a dance, and the first boy I really ended up getting that close to, although that doesn't say too much. But for me, it seemed like it was going to be something. And i'm so glad I'm over the bereavment of it not. I mean, like ive said a bunch of times, who knows what will happen. But honestly, I don't think I really want to date him anyway in the state he's in right now. I seriously think he has some sort of personality disorder. We were learning about Paranoid personality disorder in AP psych, and the symptoms..sounded just like him. It makes a little sense, since one of the possible causes was abandonment as a young child. It makes me really sad to think about all the things that have happened to him, and I love him, I really do (as a friend). I know more about him then he thinks I do, but i probably don't know a few significant things. Lacey and Kim supposedly know a lot about him though, and their assessments of his character are pretty much the same as mine. So, I don't think i'm missing anything major in what I know about him, although I'm not too sure if he knows that and I probably wouldn't tell him. So yesterday I called him and asked him if he thought he was doing me any favors on my birthday. He said he didn't think that, and that he used the phrase "i'm being really affectionate because its your birthday" as an "excuse". Really, according to him, he's "just an affectionate guy." Well, okay, I know guys that are like that with girls, but its usually because theyre gay and girls know that they dont REALLY mean anything by it. It's kind of another thing if you're straight, and also another thing if you previously have liked the person you're doing that with, or even still admit to liking them but "liking someone else more." I mean, I dunno. Maybe I'm just a weird person. But anyway, so he said he's like that with all his friends that are girls, except for Lacey and Cassie (Cassie would probably kill him)..But I mean..who else as of now does he really hang out with that are girls? As far as I know, its Lacey, Kim, and myself. So really, that only leaves Kim and me. I mean I dont know. If it doesn't mean anything maybe I should just not mind and take it with a grain of salt, which is what I'm trying to do. It just irks me a little, I dunno. Well he told me that if I minded then he'll stop, but I told him it was okay. I dont know. Like, the actual act of being close to him was fine, its just the potential significance of it that bothers me. And, if that's really how he is with his friends, then I don't want him to not be like that and have us get all "awkward" around each other again. I mean its still really weird, but at the same time..I dunno. I'm not condoning it, but..he's just..weird. And I feel like we may really eventually become good friends, so I kind of want things to just take their course without talking about everything so much from now on. At the time, it seemed like it would have been awkward had we not been like that. It seemed like the only natural thing to do, kind of. So I asked him if he was going out with Kim, and he told me that they wern't yet but theyre "talking". Yeah, that's kind of what I suspected. I dunno. I was slightly hurt, but i mean I saw it coming and I'm not going to go cry about it or anything. I kind of wish things had worked out between us, but the way things were then and the way things are now are two different things, at least in my head. I just wish I had someone. I really need to start something new with someone. Not anyone. But someone that I could really like. Too bad most kids at my school kind of..suck. Both of them together, I really don't know how its going to work. Just because they lead really different lives, have a different taste in everything, and the things that they do have in common (overdependency, obsessive tendencies) are not going to be able to compliment each other in a relationship. I mean I'm sure it has worked before, and maybe I'm just saying it won't because of my involvment in the whole thing..But..I dont know. Theyre overdependent for different reasons and in different ways. Theyre both unstable for different reasons and for different ways, and theyre both obsessive for different reasons. I mean..I dunno. I probably shouldnt be talking about other people in my journal, so i'll try to make it vague. It just seems that the commonalities they have are just going to lend themselves to clashes rather then a mutual understanding of each other, especially in a relationship. In my opinion, Kim should find someone more stable, and Seth should be alone for a little while. I mean, they both need to mature in different ways. Kims not immature in the same way that Seth is, but they both are. I mean, saying that about them, I don't mean it as an insult. It's just something I've noticed and other people have pointed out as well. okay..sorry. yeah im talking about them again and I should really stop. I love Seth, and I have nothing against Kim. They can do and try whatever they want to, I just have my doubts. If they were to break up tomorrow and Seth started "talking" to me again, I probably would tell him that we need to be friends for a little while before anything. I mean, I don't mind cuddling and stuff, but I really don't think he needs another woman in his life until he understands how to be a man. ha. I know that probably sounded stupid. Today almost everytime I saw them they were together. I saw them give each other the same type of hug that he used to give me, and the type of one he gave me on my birthday. I saw them go to his car and him open the door for her..and blah blah blah. I don't know. It hurt a little but nothing like how it did, and I'm so so so so SO glad it doesn't anymore. Thats a terrible place to be. Really, I need to put things into perspective. Apart from them also being kind of unstable people, theyre also teenagers, who are unstable in general. Everything in a teenager's life is flighty and temporary, and I don't think even I can escape that stereotype. Things will change. I know I'll find someone else. I'll eventually have different friends (although I intend to still keep the ones I have now), as much as relationships seem to be strong and worthwhile, most of them end, especially in teenagerhood. I'm not saying theres will or won't, I'm just speaking in generalities, and I know my situation will change. Their situations will change. Everyone's does, especially at this age. I just hope I can keep the friends that I have, including seth, for a long time, because I really do love them. About his potential personality disorder, I think almost everyone I know has something. Him, I think he really does need help, moreso then most of my friends. I don't know if its just that I ended up making friends with all the insane people (which probably includes me too..not as my own friend, as insane), or if its just teenagers and life in general, or if its just people and life in general. Life is hard sometimes, it really is. Especially living in today's world, which is sad, because things should be easier now. I mean, maybe its just me and my friends with the problems, I dunno. I really really don't want to end up alone. I'm trying to have faith, and in all actuality I'm not expected to find a marraige partner or a long term significant other right now anyway. I mean, I probably only know one couple who have been together for a significantly long time and who will probably get married to each other. But who knows, maybe not. I mean people break up with their 3 year, 4 year, 5 year partners, and life goes on. No one knows what will happen a year from now, regardless of how close you are to someone. As scary as that is, its comforting, in a way. I mean it is likely to last, but whose to say, really, in any relationship? haven't we all seen the most seemingly loving relationship end? What the hell am I getting at here, I dont know. Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better that I don't have anyone, because it probably wouldnt last anyway. Its still good when you do though. On the shittiest day, if I have someone that I know I can talk to and who cares, it makes everything so much better. I mean I have friends, but most of them are busy/not the type to sit and listen to me/"not close enough to yet" to actually talk to them about things that really bother me, or things that I think about. A lot of people have that, and they still don't appreciate life and I have no idea why, because they should. Like, seth has dave and lacey and kim. Kim has seth and megan and jeremy. Just about everyone has someone. I'm so tired of depending on myself for everything. It was nice when Seth and I were "talking", because although I was nervous when talking to him cause I liked him so much, I still felt like even if I didn't tell him about how i was feeling or my day, that somehow he knew and he cared, and I kind of miss that. I wish I still got that from someone. It gets hard walking around in the world all by yourself. maybe I should just stop talking about it. I'm glad that I;m able to be with and hang out with my friends, and I'm sure if I give them and myself some time, we will get closer, since thats how relationships work I guess. I just have doubts because there are times that I close myself off from everyone and hten basically all my bridges get burned, but now that I'm more concious of that I'm trying not to let that happen. Is it sad that I'm sitting here trying to self council myself? 5:00 p.m. - 2005-01-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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