compie's Diaryland Diary

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my birthday

ugh. i was in the process of writing this entry and then the window just decided to close..for no reason. i have so much fucking spam shit on my computer that i want to throw it out my window.

anyway.. I am 18 today. it's my birthday. Yeah. So i invited lacey and dave and seth over not really as a party but just to hang out and go sledding. But yeah. So laceys phone wasnt working in the morning and daves roads were bad supposedly, and seth at first couldnt come for the same reason but then when i felt like i was a big loser with no friends who spends her birthdays alone he begged his mom and was thankfully able to come over..ha. wow i am sad. well i hope he didnt just come out of pity or anything..cause that would suck. Anyway, so he came over and we hung out a little at my house, and ate cake and watched a couple episodes of home movies, at the end of which he put his head on my shoulder, and that is just about the time that..it was back to square one, almost. so yeah. theen we went to toys r us and we were gonna play hockey in the isles but ifigured its not like it was when i was a little kid (sigh..) and if i did that now we'd probably get kicked out. so..we just looked at action figures and videogames. then we went to bills music and he got some drumsticks,and i was going to get a slide but i got distracted by all the pretty guitars. then...on the way back he started talking about how funny anchorman was and we decided to stop by his house and get it..ha. i dont know why that was easy but the initial thing of him coming over was a big deal..so yeah. anyway he showed me his techno version of the entertainer (which was awesome), and for some reason we hugged at his house and i ended up telling him i loved him (i meant it as a friend), and hes all "whatd you say?" and i didnt want to repeat it so i changed the subject. and hes all..no, whatd you say? and then i finally said it again and hes like yeah i love you too. He just meant it as a friend..so yeah. But anyway. so yeah. so we came back and watched the movie in my room, which i don't know was a good idea or not. well it depends on how you look at it. so yeah. he was gettin awfully close and..stuff. i mean, not that i minded, and i certainly wasnt trying to stop him..because yeah, I still like him, and because if i was just like NO things probably wouldve gotten awkward and he was the only one who was able to spend time with me on my birthday and i really didnt want to alienate that one person or have my birthday be all awkward. I was just wondering what was going through his mind..because we started cuddling and he started holding my hand and..yeah. I dunno. haha, and oh god. whenever someone would call he would try to (or maybe not try to..i dunno) make me laugh and do something..really..yeah. like when jess called he got on top of my missionary style and im like aaaah! omg..get off.. heh. yeah..that was weird. And so anyways, he apologized and got off. I dunno. that was..strange. so anyway. yeah. we were cuddling, and he told me he was "being really affectionate today because today was my birthday"...okay? well thats a shitty reason to be like that. cause i mean one its not like its a great birthday gift to act like you like me for just one day just because its my birthday, thats just sad and i dont want any pity shit. I basically told him that and he was like..yeah well really its just and excuse. hm. yeah..okaay. well either way im still not taking him seriously..until..yeah. but so anyways, then cassie called and told me that it was snowing outside, and seth freaked out and decided to go home since it was bad at that point..then when he got home it stopped..i wish he came back (he could go home just to get the movie) but he didnt..i dunno i wasnt going to suggest it or anything, and he was kind of curt on the phone, i told him to call me when he got home to make sure he was okay. I kind of expected that, although it is a bit weird to be like that when you were just all over the person like 20 minutes ago. I just..don't know what's going on in his head.

oh..and then when we were cuddling he told me he loved me again. I mean the first time, in that context, it was fine, it made sense. in the context of us really close and holding hands and everything it could potentially be taken the wrong way and its kind of weird that he said it then. i told him i love him too, because i do as a friend. i mean..yeah. i dont know. I just dont want him to freak out on me again or us to not be able to be comfortable around each other. it just seems that everytime we start to get comfortable around each other, this happens, and then its like this vicious cycle. i mean things would be fine if kim wasnt involved too, whom he supposedly also loves. I mean i dunno i guess he meant he loves her in that way, but if he loves her so much why is he all over me, and if he cares about me ("loves" me) then why has he told me he "liked her more" and that "there will never be anything between us"..?, or if that is the case then why is he cuddling and stuff with me? I mean if he at the very least cares about us both then he would either not initiate things with one of us or not initiate things with either of us, or at least make some logical sense in his actions. argh. argh argh argh.

I mean i want to be his friend, really. he's one of the coolest guys i know, and i think he'd be great in a relationship if things wernt so confusing. right now, because things are confusing, id rather just be his friend until he knew me enough to realize the full scope of his actions towards me and therefore be held accountable in a relationship. I like him, but i do not want to become his whore. But i don't know what to do or how to go about telling him without things being weird.

well im going to try to not think about it anymore. I've gotten through thinking that I needed him and although i still think we'd be great together, im fine right now with being alone for a while and eventually finding someone else. I want to keep it that way. I'm going to try to not think about it and hope the rest of the week goes smoothly.

So yeah. my mom noticed there were only two plates in the sink. i had lied and told her that lacey and dave came too, which i feel bad about. But, it was my intention that they would come, and its not my fault that they didnt. Like..was i jsut supposed to be like NO seth it cant just be you and me so dont come over, and then just spend my birthday all alone? no..that would be shitty. and regardless if i liked seth in that way or not, why would i do that..Anyways, its embarrassing telling my mom over and over that me and seth arnt dating or anything..and then on top of it she was like "i hope it wasnt a make out party.." WHAT? who even has those anymore..wow wow wow. i wanted to puke. I felt bad lying to my mom about who came, but i didnt know what other way i wouldve been able to explain it. i kind of wish i had just told her like how things happend, how they couldnt come cause of the snow and how seth was the only one who could make it, but that woudl have heightened her suspicions and then she wouldve thought that i had planned it like that or something..so..yeah.

I hate how like everyone gets freaked out by snow. I mean it better be enough to get me out of school tomorrow.

and anyway..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

6:27 p.m. - 2005-01-24

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