compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- L is for the way you loathe me so yeah..today was ok I guess. I need to do this stats project that I just started, but i felt the need to update since ive been wanting to all day but something stopped me.. So yeah. Ill try to make this as vague (but as descriptive) as possible, so not to embarrass anyone. Youll probably figure out who im talking about. So lacey told me today that S told K that he loves her..Yeah. I guess i should be upset, and i probably would have been a couple weeks ago..But really all it did was bother me. That kid apparently has no idea what love is. And in a sense im glad im not going out with him. I mean..how can he say that when onlya week ago when she broke up with him he was going right after me again, all over it completely as if nothing had happend, until he found out why she had dumped him, then he got all fucking morose about it. Yeah. I just think that's lame. I actually have a little more respect for K now because she was like "no..you don't." in response. I probably would have said the same thing. It just bothers me a little. Like, wow..He really needs to grow up. But i dunno. It kind of trivializes the whole idea of love. Gives it a terrible name. Makes it a four letter word. I mean..I dunno. Not that I can't see him loving her eventually or anything like that, or that I can't see him loving anyone..But like..Yeah. he was so quick to move on, and he was so quick to change his mind both ways, that I don't think I should take anything that comes out of his mouth seriously anymore. I mean, even when we were almost dating or whatever we were, he was intimate that he loved me..I mean he never said it but he'd make fun of me and then go "oh, but theres a lot of love in what im saying," or when i poked fun at him for something it was like "oh you don't love me! to think that i could ever be loved.." Well something like that. He overuses the word and now I don't think I really want to hear anyone use it for a while. I mean what is love anyway? If it was what seth defines it as, then it doesn't exist. Well I dunno, or maybe just what it is, is that it never existed in the first place..I mean take love songs for example. I'm sure we've all felt like that at one point in our lives, but we got over it (thank God)..If it was love most of the people on this planet wouldnt have been able to survive without each other, and half the race would probably be wiped out. I mean..I dunno. Maybe i'm just angry at the idea of love at the moment. Yes I want it, but right now I'm having trouble beleiving that it even truly exists. I don't know how to explain it. I mean, like with this situation, you can't love a girl that you had a hard time deciding over, and who as soon as she dumped you without explanation ran to another girl (ie: myself). I mean, either way, it makes him an ass. To me or to her. And he supposedly "cares about" me. Well what the fuck is that if he can easily drop me and pick me up whenever he feels like it. He doesnt really know what love is and he doesnt really know how to care about people either. Okay, I'm just mad right now I guess. I'm mad at where I ended up when I tried so hard not to get here..But still. I just think it's ridiculous. He's a great guy and all, but he really needs to get a few more life lessons before he even defines the word "feelings." That's how it seems anyway. And now i think its not the right time to date him anyway..I mean..If he's that confused. But maybe im just calling grapes sour, I dunno. I don't think he's a bad person in the slightest, but I wished he knew what he wanted more, and knew how he felt. Because I don't think he does at all. I mean he's not shallow, he's a great guy. In a few years, he'll be relationship material..maybe. But he also needs to go through some things I guess. That's just my opinion. Like..How he got obsessed with a certain friend of ours at one point for so long, because she had told him that she liked him, and then later told him that she didnt like him like that. I mean, i can understand where he's coming from, why that would make him upset. But she only told him that she KIND of liked him, and she never tried to kiss him or lead him on like the way he did with me..But yet, I'm the one who "just can't let go." Yeah. Okay. He was obsessed with cassie for like..2 or 3 years. He just got over her when this whole kim and I situation started taking place. So its just like..I dunno. I don't think he's romantically matured yet at all, and is being a little hypocritical and selfish. I mean..I don't know. I know that's harsh, and I still like him as a person and I think he means well. He's not trying to be manipulative or anything, it's just how things happend. But at the same time...its just..Ugh. It's just frustrating because he'd be a great guy if he was...all there...When it comes to relationships. But I guess either way it wouldnt matter to me because theres "no chance we'll ever be together"..Then again that's what he told me about Kim a while ago. So again, I can't take anything he says seriously, and that's a crying shame. But I'm not going to cry about it. I'm done with it I guess. I really sincerely hope that we do end up friends and that eventually we can talk to each other about anything, but right now...I dunno. I would love to help him out, but I doubt he's going to give me any legitimate time of day for a while. And that's fine, because it would be unnatural for me to ask of him that or give him that at the moment. I think eventually this will make us closer, but right now..its just. Ugh. I'll give it time though. I'll give him time too. Maybe in that time he'll grow up a little bit. I'm sorry that this entry had turned into one big bash of the guy, really. But I just needed to get it all out. I'm not saying that he's any less of a person, but just that he obviously doesn't know what he's talking about hald the time..and so..yeah. I guess this is why right now we arn't meant to be. I mean yeah, there were times when we were hanging out that I really felt like I loved him. But I wouldn't have said it at the point. You have to consistently love someone to say it. At passing moments, I end up loving almost everybody. It's human nature. But this romantic love, You can't beleive you have that for one person but be so ready to move on and "like" another person at the same time..That's just teenage fantasy. But whatever. People learn. It's probably normal for a 16 year old boy. I'm sure he'll eventually figure things out, and I hope I still know him when he does. 8:44 p.m. - 2005-01-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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