compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diminished so today was my moms birthday.. We went to this thai place to eat, both our favorite type of food (although I've been ahving it a lot lately). We got this kind of spicy appetizer..An assault on my tastebuds, but in a good way. Church today was pretty good..kinda. at first it was..Then we watched this kind of gross thing on really obnoxious gay people and how theyre comparing their movement to the civil rights movement, when it isnt like civil rights at all. Not that all gay people are obnoxious..but i mean running around screaming "we're here! we're queer!"..That's pretty obnoxious. I'd get into it but I don't feel. And then after church we met some random lady that goes to our church, she was pretty nice. She paid for my mom to go to this convention thing, cause my mom was planning on not going cause of how much it costed, and blah blah blah. She also told me I was really pretty, and that she was going to pray for me that I find a husband who's not just interested in my pretty face. ..So I thought about that for a little bit. I mean I don't know if im pretty. I always kind of thought I wasn't, and people in school seem to agree with me. The few relationships I've had though have seemed to end because they only were attracted to me superficially. Like with jon, things were nice last year, but this summer when I saw him it was all like "You're really hot, but I don't want a relationship right now" (ok..i never even asked for one from him..). But, he wanted to make out with me. Well, that's shitty. And this whole thing with seth..He likes me. I know he does. But we haven't gotten a chance to know each other that well (as well as we'd need to anyway), and thats supposedly why he picked Kim. But at the same time I guess he decided he'd still try to get involved with me (initially), cause he was attracted to me. And now its almost like "Well I think youre awesome and really attractive, but I like kim more." So yeah. I mean its a little more then that, but still. I just feel like the scarce relationships I've had have ended because of "my pretty face". I mean..I dunno. I think eventually if seth and I got to know each other we'd really like each other, but I'm giving up on that for now. Fuck it. I give up. I mean, I should, he told me to. And it feels a lot better to not be weighed down by it. I mean, i still expect something to eventually happen with him, but right now, with the person he is, im not even sure if i'd really want a relationship with him, in the state he is in right now. He really needs to grow up. And i don't know kim that well. But like..Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't assume anything about her. I think that they don't have anything in common, but they know each other in the sense as people, with the feelings that every person has. And that's what they have in common I guess. Like, insecurities, problems, etc. Everyone has those, and if they got to know anyone, they'd find the same thing. But whatever, that's what he wants right now, and he might as well have it. I just don't want to see them together..Although right now I don't think im going to care as much. I mean I'm going to try not to. I don't know whats lonlier, being ugly or being pretty. I feel like both, in the worst possible ways. I feel like no one will like me because I'm ugly, but then I feel like the few that do like me only do because I'm pretty. Ugh. I dunno. I just wish things were more simple. I wish I had a better sense of what was going on, that I either wasn't so cynical and idealistic at the same time. So fucking naive. I dunno. I hope things work out for me soon. "Seek and ye shall find." I seek love. That's all I ever wanted.. 6:43 p.m. - 2005-01-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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