compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I walk a lonely road..the only road that I have ever known so yeah. Yesterday I sat online kind of catatonically, got off and layed in bed until I fell asleep. Didn't eat anything, just slept. Woke up at about 1 and thought about things, but didn't move a muscle. Fell asleep again i guess, because before I knew it it was 6 in the morning, and before I knew it from then it was about 10, so i figured it was time to get up, plus I felt like I was in a hangover still in my jeans and sweater and contacts and makeup and a sore throat. But I never cried. Like I said, the first cut is the deepest. I think in a sense I'm actually kind of happy. Losing all hope is freedom. Sometimes, at least. I mean, I dunno if things will ever work out between us. In a sense, i still have the feeling that one day they will, but if they don't then its just like, well..whatever. Hopefully that just means that I'll find someone else a lot better. I know I had an excessively bad time letting go of this, and maybe if i was a little more emotionally and esteemely--stable, I would have been able to a while ago. But its also hard when the guy tells you that he likes you and fails to mention that he likes the other girl MORE. I mean. I guess I should have assumed that. I was trying to be optimistic for once. I guess I don't really know how to be optimistic. Eventually, yeah, I still want to be his friend. But im fine if we're a little distant towards each other for a while. Right now its just like...well, fuck him; and I mean the first time we tried to be friends after this, it just seemed forced, since everytime we hung out or talked I ended up feeling like crap and supposedly he did too. It's only natural that things like this would put a pretty big hold on any attempts at friendship, but i think with both of our natures and situations (the same friends), eventually..EVENTUALLY..we will be friends again. Probably in a while though. He told me that "we were never really that close", and I guess we wern't, but its emotionally impossible to get that close to someone that you like and that you start really talking to for all of a month or so. Plus I guess we both have communication hang ups, and the only way for him to open up to anyone is if he knows them for at least a year. And im gonna be gone in a year. To college I mean. Well that doesn't mean I definettely won't ever see him again, because if Lace goes to the same college I do and we still hang out, I'll definettely see him. Even still, if I end up going to the college I hope to go to, its only an hour away. And its really close to his church. I mean im not planning on anything, but I'm saying, I'm sure Ill still run into him even after I'm in college. But we need to take a break from each other to let this all cool down I guess. As for Kim, telling myself in my head that I like her won't solve anything. Yes, being jealous is bad, but its also human. If i tried to repress the fact that I'm jealous and I don't see what he sees in her, then I'll just probably go crazy and explode. So I'm admitting it to myself now: I don't like Kim. I feel like I've reached an epiphany. One that I was afraid of reaching, but now that I'm there I feel a lot better then I have in months. I basically feel about the same as I did before the seth situation, which is good and something that I thought i was never going to be able to acheive. But I can move on. I know I can. I still think that there is something that will lead us to each other someday, but I'm not counting on that day or anything. Then again I did feel a little attracted to him even before all this. Not so much as to dislike Kim because of this or anything, or to be this angry at him of course, but I still felt that we had a lot in common but both of us haven't realized it yet. From what I now know about him, besides the fact that what he did to me was fucked up and I'd probably never do that to someone, we do have a lot in common and I haven't been proved wrong. One day things will happen, but im fine with just saying fuck it for now (and for a while), and moving on. The only thing that I feel bad about is the fact that he's known kim for longer. I mean obviously if he had known me for as long as hes known kim, he would have picked me. But its not that, really. I just realized that I have had no long term close friends, like he has, or like most or my friends have. I mean theres randhal, who I can talk to about anything, and I've known her for a solid year. But its not like we can ever hang out. I mean that's not her fault, but I really wish I had the type of friends just about every other person that I know has. Yeah, theres Lacey and Cassie, and I've been friends with them for a while, but it's been in cycles, kinda. Like i'll hang out with them, and then something will happen (not neccessarily a fight, but sometimes), and then we won't talk for a while. I mean not because im being a bitch and avoiding them or anything,its just..something that ends up happening I guess. And also the fact that everyone else that I now hang out with can and seems to do things with each other a lot more then I can/am invited to. I mean I don't want to force myself on anyone, and a large part of it was the fact that I didn't have a car and my mom's weird a lot of the time. But yeah. I dunno. It just seems that everyone has developed these deep friendships with each other(cassie and lacey, seth and dave, seth and lacey, randhal and brianna, lacey and dave), and then theres me..who's just like..there. I mean I don't feel like they don't like me or anything like that, but its just like..I don't feel like I can talk to lacey or cassie about everything, and I'm sure theyre that way with me too, because we simply haven't been able to be that close for some reason. The thing with seth really got my hopes up that I was going to have someone around that I could talk to and count on. But I mean, we really didn't get to know each other that well (I was hoping we would be able to through a relationship), and hang out as much as we wanted to (also, something I thought that was going to happen through a relationship)..so yeah. I guess that's the end of that. And it's not like you can attempt to be someone's best friend, like you can attmpt to be someone's girlfriend. It just seems that it would be easier to have a boyfriend, i mean given the fact that it was someone I decided I really liked and someone who decided that they liked me; its not like the type of thing where you have to put in a lot of work with, like with a best friend type thing. I mean not that I mind putting a lot of work into it, but I can't be like "I need a best friend". It just doesn't work that way. Now, "I need a boyfriend", thats at least a little more plausible. I mean not saying that romantic relationships don't take work, because they do. But...yeah. Theyre also more rewarding, given you really liked the person you were dating and vice versa. I mean..then again, I'm me, what am I saying. Boys take interest in me....rarely. Seth is the ONLY boy in my entire school who has told me that he liked me, and look what happened. And the thing was, that I didn't like him simply because he liked me. But the fact that he liked me was a catalyst for me liking him so much. But yeah. It's over. And although I'm happy I can stop thinking about it (I've blocked the memories for now..Theyre not perpetually replaying in my head like they were), I just wish I had someone, anyone. Then again, maybe its also my fault that I have no friends like that. If i had kept in touch with Darlene, we would have been good friends. But then we were young and had a few petty fights in between the time she started to go to another school..So yeah. ugh. Its really not my fault though. I tried to be friends with cassie and lacey and the whole gang since freshmen year, and I have been their friends for a while, but things happen, and my circumstances just seem to keep biting me in the ass, again and again. I don't want to force myself on anyone, but I don't want to be distant either. And I'm nuerotic sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time. So I dunno. yeah. I mean I can just hang in there I guess. I'm glad that right now I do have friends, even though they're closer with each other. I just have to give them and myself time for everything to work out, but one can't help but feel a little cheated. 3:58 p.m. - 2005-01-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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