compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my love is like a storybook story yeah. So today I woke up. sat around feeling quite shitty for a bit, started vomitting..But i still went to school. Like i said in my last entry, I'm never not in some sort of pain. This throwing up thing has happend before, but today it was one long period of increasing nausiousness. So yvonne noticed i looked like i was feeling like crap in psych, and asked me what was wrong, so i told her that in the morning i threw up. I also didn't feel like putting in my contacts this morning, so i got all these annoying questions like "when did you get glasses?" and blah blah blah. I just don't care anymore. i've been feeling like shit for what...a month? a little more then a month. Ever since seth, in a word, "dumped" me. And i feel bad about it, i really do. Because I want to get better. I want to be his friend, and i guess I am, I want to be happy and not worry about stupid shit. But I can't help it. I seem to have lost the will to live. Not that im exactly suicidal or anything. I just feel that I may die, but i don't really care. Anyway..So then Ms F heard me say I threw up and actually felt bad for me and sent me to the nurse. So i went. The nurse yelled at me and called my dad but he didnt answer, then she told me that she'll try back later and if they want to take me home she'll call me down. Yeah. So she never did. But anyway, i really didnt want to go to class and take a test in this condition. So beinng the cool and popular person I am (ha..), I kept on finding people in the hallway to talk to. First it was some kids in mr z's class..I mean, a couple of my friends and a couple of other people i've talked to. Then I ran into diana and talked to her for a while..and saw seth going for some interview thing. and then i went to guidance until i got kicked out. So then I went to the bathroom and sat in a stall and cried. I don't know what was wrong. Okay I do. I felt like I was going to pass out, I felt like i was going to vomit out my organs or something. And i mean, im not sure how much i really cared abotu that, except for the pain. I just feel a little worthless..So meh. I finally went back to psychology, thinking that maybe if my dad had called back and she sent a message there, that i had better be there. but..No message. Ms. F felt bad for me, I was surprised, cause she usually acts like she hates me. But she was like..You should be home asleep. I think I just need a break from life. I told her about how i've had a problem, like almost morning sickness for a while now, but today morning it was particularly bad. She told me I was "tough..too tough." ha. It made me want to cry. I wonder if i am or not, or if i'm just too soft. Because I always feel like breaking down, but i can pretend I'm okay. I dont know if thats tough or soft. So yeah. Then on my way to stats, I saw seth make a detour to kims classroom. I mean, maybe he was taking a shortcut or maybe he needed to talk to the teacher, or even if he just wanted to say hi to her its not a big deal. But then i started feeling even more shitty. I felt like crying again. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. Took a test in stats. I probably didn't do too well. not cause im sick, i mean im not trying to make any excuses. Just cause i don't understand anything in that class. But yeah. So then i went to the bathroom but on my way I stopped cause i saw dave and the gang, and seth. So i talked to them for a while. Just kind of watched them all get thier nipples twisted by this one kid. hahaha. yeeah. so then in Anatomy, we watched the rest of fast food nation..no..not fast food nation. That mcdonalds movie. But i cant think right now so i forget its name. Yeah. and janay told me about how jeremy is yet again instigating crap in journalism. He told this one girl that was bitching at me the one class about me being a "racist", that i called her a bitch "several times". Yeaah. Okay, i did call her a bitch. Only when jeremy brought it up. What do you want me to say? nothing? because i should be scared of her or something? I mean maybe i should. but right now i'm reckless with my life. And anyway, she was kind of being a bitch. And i'm not going to let her or anyone else bully me around the way she did in middle school. If she's being stupid, i will say so. So anyways, jeremy told her that, and her reaction (or at least the reaction of her as depicted by janay) surprised me. I mean the way she said it, the girl sounded hurt. And she was like "well amy's lucky she isn't here today..when i see her on friday i probably won't be as angry." Well i mean i can understand that she'd be mad. But the fact is that when you yell at someone for something and call them all this bullshit, you can't really be surprised if they think you're a bitch. I mean if that's how you are to them, in all probability you wouldn't care what they think. But anyway, i dont think she's like an all around terrible person. When she's nice to me i have absolutely no problem with her, and my opinion about her personal character changes when she's nice to me. Maybe im too nieve. But anyway. so yeah. Jeremy is an ass. I really don't like him. I mean it would be one thing if she asked him if i said anything, and he told her. But as far as i hear, he told her out of the blue, and exxagerated it to "several times" like i went around having tourrettes calling the girl a bitch. Well seth told me I was a slacker cause he saw me out of class a lot today. haha. but then i told him i was sick and then he didn't totally ignore me for the rest of the day. I guess he'd care if i was dying, but otherwise its just like yeah whatever where's kim. I just don't understand how he can be like all "together" with kim and not really talk to me anymore, since if it was up to him he'd still be talking to both of us. But lacey told him he had to choose. so it seems like he just turned off any of his feelings for me and convinced himself that he really likes kim. I dunno. Its jsut weird. I guess I shouldn't really complain, because he talked to me today, and he gave me a hug. So that made me a little happier. But yeah. So yeah. came home and slept. Now im eating panera. its better then the msdonalds from yesterday, but its still takin me a while cause they put all these onions in it.icky. but yeah. meh. This computer keeps on piling up pop up ads, but i'm lucky the internet is even working right now. meh. why is life so unfair. here i am sitting here alone feeling like i'm about to die and sitting on a computer that i even feel lucky is working..And somewhere else is someone thats completely happy and probably doesn't even deserve it. ugh. Whatever. People suck. End of story. 12:41 a.m. - 2004-12-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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