compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i've wondered if i can hang on aaahh! im excited. The stuff that I ordered online for gifts for a couple of my friends came today. Well, seth's gift and someone elses. I got him something i know he really wants, and i was paranoid that it may not come in time..but it DID, it came EARLY..and i went around the house squeeling looking for a knife to open the box with. ahhaha. I don't think i've been that excited about gifts for MYSELF. man im a loser. I really wanted to call him and be like aaah it just came in the mail im excited (he knows i ordered it but i havent told him what it is)..but i called and talked to him yesterday, and he would probably think im a freak or something. plus last time i called him two days in a row he freaked out on me. man.. so yeah. i talked to tuyen about everything that happend..i mean the whole seth ordeal. "doesn't it just make you feel so cheated?" cheated...cheated. yes, it does. I think that's the biggest thing. I feel so cheated. Tuyen's good at things like this, summing things up that seem complicated in my head with only a couple words. "Kim is simple." yeah. normal, happy, nice..but simple. I mean that's not necessarily a bad thing. Just not something i can see working for seth. but i mean..i dunno. i guess thats not really my business. But still. in a way it is i guess. I'm just torn, because i really want to be his friend, and part of that is wanting to get to know him better. but the thingis i feel that the more i get to know him better the more attracted im going to get, and the more we both get to know each other the more attracted he will at least seem to be towards me. So that might make it harder. But then maybe it wouldnt..i mean. i dont know. But its better then not being friends with him at all, because i really really want to be his friend. Although I still think that something may happen in the future, I don't want to like..be manipulative and make it happen. I have to wait for things to happen if they want to happen, I guess. So yesterday I called him to double check about the christmas thing. So yeah..we're all going together. At first i was a bit apprehensive about it and i thought it was going to be really awkward. I mean im still not entirely sure that it wont be, but he seemed pretty okay with it, which was a releif. I thought he may have been mad at me for indirectly making him go or something (even though it was my moms idea), but he didn't seem so. Which is good..We talked yesterday, and the whole "thing" never officially came up. Which is decidedly good. I mean we pranced around it, but i didnt leave the phone in tears and he didn't have to go because things were getting too uncomfortable. so that is progress. We're gonna see The Life Aquatic together sometime, because I'm obsessed with Wes Anderson, and he thinks that it looks awesome from the previews. So yeah. thatll be fun. ha. when i was on the phone with him, i said something about how i loved wes anderson, but i said seth anderson by mistake. and he was like..what?? and then i corrected myself..yeaaah. little freudian slip there. We were talking about fruedian slips today in Psych, and ms F asked us if we had any of our own examples and I thought of that, but I figured it would be best not to share.. yeaaah. So now all these random people in school think im a racist. It's pretty gay/funny. Yes..I'm a biig racist, with yknow all my friends of every single racial, cultural, religious, and socioeconomic background. I'm just one huge bigot. People really piss me off sometimes. Well..what happend was this one kid in my journalism class who never does anything was sitting there in paint (when he was supposed to be researching..or i mean..SOMETHING..at least not taking up a computer so he could sit and draw) and he wrote out "DESI"..cause I guess he thinks its cool or something and we now have a club at our school, the desi student alliance..so now its everyone's new word or something. (for those reading this who don't know.."desi" is roughly equivilant to "brother" and is basically what people of indian/pakistani/middle eastern descent to call each other). Anyway, It was just kind of bothering me..So I asked him what he was doing, and hes all like..durr I dunno. So then somehow we get on the subject of the DSA and he's talking about how he's going to stay after..and how a lot of black and white people come to the meetings..And then he called me a PAKI. he...called..me..a...paki. Wow. just..wow. No. First of all. I am not a "paki." Secondly, anyone that ISNT a part of the culture should NOT be using the word "paki." That's like..someone walking up to any oriental person and calling them a "chink." thats like some white person using the n word. You just don't do it. Wow..That really pissed me off. Anyway, so he was talking about how black and white people come to the meetings..and I was like..Why..They don't really belong... okay. well, i'm being honest, they don't. They can come all they want to, no one will or should stop them. But they don't BELONG there. It's called the DESI STUDENT ALLIANCE for a reason. Then everyone got mad at me and told me how the whole idea of the club is to educate and stop ignorance and how im doing the opposite, and how im racist and i don't want that kid joining "because he's black." yeah ok whatever. That isn't even what I said. If anyone was racist, it was him. He called me a Paki. And secondly, the most they could accuse me of would be me being "cultur-ist" or something, which i'm not. I don't even go to the meetings because I thought it was stupid at first to segregate ourselves like that. I was thinking of trying it out, but now everyone apparently thinks im some racist so i might as well not go. But that really pisses me off. I didn't say he couldn't go, all I said was that he didn't BELONG there. Because by definition it is the DESI student alliance. if he was any race and grew up in that region, then thats fine. if he's not, then why would he even go to the meetings? I'm not saying he can't, but what purpose would he serve there? And yes, the whole idea of it is to educate and stop ignorance, but that was at least to my knowledge supposed to be through things that the club did for the general public. Like fashion shows and things, are meant for everyone. The club was supposed to be an alliance for desis. Really, anyone can go..but a bunch of people that arn't desi..doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose? Well jeremy's defense was that I came to their play practice the other day, and I didn't belong there. I told him he was right, I didn't. But at the same time im not planning to come to every single play practice, and i knew that i didn't belong there and did not disrupt their practice. I'm not even asking that much from these people. All I said was that they didn't belong there. I'm sorry if that's offensive, but its the truth. If they want to come that's fine..But..it's just weird. If you identify with the culture honestly, then that's fine. But if you don't, what purpose do you serve? I mean i dont think they shoudl make it manditory for someone to prove themselves..but what would you even gain from that? I just feel like a lot of people either take interest because its the new "trendy" thing to do, or that they think we're so different from them and they want to "observe us in our natural environment" or something, so to speak. I dont know, maybe I'm cynical. Still..how many black kids you know would have a black club and expect a bunch of white people to join..or when we had a latino club, only latino's joined. yeah, other people can join, but what would they do there really? People trivialize everything I am all the time. Yeah, sure, minorities matter. But not asians. We're not economically disadvantaged enough for anyone to realize that people are racist towards us, all the time, black and white. That really pisses me off. So then this one girl in my journalism class had a shit fit about it, as if it was even her business. The kid went around telling everyone that i "didn't want him in the club because he's black"..That isn't even what I said. How fucking stupid. All I'm asking, is that if we do have a club (which I didn't even really agree with in the first place because its segregating us and labeling us to the rest of the public), that we can at least call it ours. Yes, other people can join. But..really..why would you if you can't identify with the culture?? what the hell. Anyway so now its all around school that the DSA is racist and that i'm racist, and nida has to make an announcment about how anyone can join. See, that really pisses me off. If it was a black club, this would have never been an issue at all. But everything is racism these days. Yeah okay maybe I wasn't politicaly correct. But I'm pretty far from a racist. And im not going to explain myself to everybody now. Just because theyre stupid and they misinterpreted me, or they heard it from somoene who heard it from someone, does not mean i'm going to take it back. It shoudl be MORE then obvious i'm not some sort of separatist, just from my actions. I talk to everyone, and I very rarely even hang out with that many indian kids. I mean they don't get preference over anyone else. That wasn't even my point. Whatever. People are so fucking stupid nowadays. ugh. so enough about that. Tomorrow we're going to the aquarium. it ought to be pretty fun..I mean I'm hoping. At least its a day out of school. Man..I just think its hilarious how all this drama starts and everyone knows shit about me. Like the seth thing. Tuyen told me that everyone knows..Yeeaah. why...And this whole "rascist" thing got misinterpreted and spread like wildfire, apparently even teachers were asking nida if the club was racist..what the hell. I feel important, almost. 6:54 p.m. - 2004-12-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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