compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- don't know where it goes, but its only me and i walk alone So i did decide to call him, and im glad I did. He told me what was wrong, and i was able to make him feel marginally better (like..not really that much, but the most I could hope for.) I mean..Just enough for him to say "thanks amy.." and not get more upset about things. So that was good. At least now he knows I care about him. I saw him in school today, partly i guess because subconciously I'm always looking for him, and partly because you can spot him for a mile away because his hair's so red. At the end of the day I saw him from kind of far, and his head was turned in my general direction. But i just looked at him and didnt wave, although I probably should have. I just wasnt sure if he was looking at me or through me. And then I didnt get to talk to him at all all day, but i saw him go towards kims car and then talking as we drove out. So that kind of hurt. I wish he'd noticed me. But then again maybe i should have waved. And then again now im sitting here making a big deal about the fact that I didn't wave. I am obsessed. I'm still relatively releived that I called him though, because it was the first actual conversation we've had in a while, and like i said in the last entry, I really really miss him, in so many ways. But I feel terrible for what he's going through right now. I'm just going to pray that everything will work out. For him, and for me. Everytime i see him and kim together, not only does it hurt, but it looks so juvinile. I mean, their relationship. I mean i dont know if it is or isnt, and im sure my opinion is somewhat biased..And i also just tend to think that 98% of all teenage relationships that I'm not in are juvinile. But i dont know. ugh. I know I should stop thinking about it. But its hard. So kim was telling jeremy and i about how this one kind of annoying girl now hates her because "seth is hers" because they "kissed last new years." How lame. I mean..In a way it makes me feel more justified for feeling angry about this whole thing, cause well, he kissed me less then a month ago, and this girl is complaining about something that happend last year. That made me angry though.. That seth kissed her, ever. I mean it was a whole year ago, so i guess it doesnt really matter all that much. But to me his kiss meant something. I was happy he was my first kiss. And now that i know he's kissed her, and kim, and this other girl I know, I fear that maybe it was just a kiss, that it didn't mean anything. But i mean, it felt like it meant a lot. I guess that's what matters. And in a year, it will still mean the same thing it does now, sort of. But also this girl has been through 3 or 4 boys since last new years, so how can she say that seth is "still hers"..How stupid. Really. Oh yeah..and its like custom for people to kiss on new years anyway. I forgot about that. So maybe she was the first girl around or something. I mean i hope that's what it was, cause I really hope that our kiss meant something. well whatever I guess. I obsess over everything. I know. and I fall asleep at like 10 without changing or anything on the wrong end of the bed and wake up in the morning..Because I don't care anymore. I mean I'm trying to. I'm trying to get over this and get back to when everything made more sense, I'm trying so hard. So in other news..hah. My art teacher still makes fun of me for having an online journal, as if like half of the whole entire school population doesnt have one (uh livejournal..EVERYONE has that..or xanga.) So yeah. I wonder if he reads all this. Today in art there was a mirror on his desk, and i looked at it and put it down. So he's like "do you think youre pretty?" And i told him i didnt because i really dont. And hes like thats so funny, because you are. haha. yeah i dunno it just made me feel better for a little bit, because my art teacher doesnt think im as ugly as i do. And alicia said I've changed since freshmen year, i mean as a senior. That I look older now this year. So that made me feel cool for a little while too. Oh yeah. Then everyone had a big racial stereotype discussion in journalism and jeremy was complaining about not "being accepted" by his own race. Yet he'll say stuff in class and be like "oh thats too black for you amy, you dont get it." god. such a hypocrite. He said in laceys english class once that white people cant get mad..What the hell. And yet here he is bitching about racial stereotypes. Anyway.. Well actually, I don't think I have anything else left to say. I started reading Catcher in the Rye again, for this project (ive read it so many times though, and we wernt supposed to do a book we've read, but I was the last person who got to choose and all my choices were taken..so yeah. Catcher in the Rye is like an old, close friend.), and it's kind of comforting to read. I mean it makes me feel less worse sometimes. A few people have told me that Holden Caulfield reminded them of me a little. So today I had eggnog and gingerbread but it doesnt feel like christmas yet. okay. yeah. so now i really have run out of things to say. 6:48 p.m. - 2004-12-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||