compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- time's a way to get another lump in your throat. yeah. So I mean im trying to make myself feel better. Its working somewhat. I mean. I don't know. I guess i write in here that I cry. I apparently cry a lot. I don't think I do, im not too delicate. But everything lately has just been wearing me so thin. Everything. So now something happened, and seth is really upset. I feel bad, because all i ever really wanted was to be his friend, to be there for him, to be someone he could talk to. I know right now that that's not really possible. I mean, for right now it isnt. It just hurts. Because it hurts to see him so upset, and I know that there is probably nothing I can do to make him feel any better really, I just wish that he could talk to me. So lacey tells me that the reason he stopped calling after he "chose kim", and the reason that we don't talk anymore as much, is that he feels really guilty and thinks that I probably hate him. I dont know. This makes sense. But nothing could be farther from the truth. Maybe he should feel a little guilty. But really, I do love him. I mean not really romantically necessarily, and not really just as friends, but i dont know. I mean I must. Because I still care about him a lot even after he made me feel the worst I've ever felt. I really care about him a lot. And that's some sort of love. I wish he would call me. I wish he would talk to me. Because I really really miss him. I have this problem where i try to compensate for my cynicism by being idealistic, and when that blows up in my face the only thing i can do is just become more cynical. My problem is just that i cannot define where my idealism, where reality, and where my cynicism start and end. What the hell is reality anyway? Does it even exist? Does truth in anything exist? Who even decides what is true? Because, really, theres no running commentary on my life, except my own. But we're all a little crazy. So who's really true? Jeremy almost made me cry today. He was saying how I need to find a prom date soon, and how seth is taken. And then he said something about him "not wanting me anymore" and crap. I mean i guess that's true. But it just hurts a lot, especially from jeremy, because everyday he either calls me a loser or tells me that im ugly. and when someone tells him that he's being mean, he says "no im just being truthful." Thats what gets me the most. That he's being "truthful". That's what makes me want to cry. That in "truth", I am another sack of worthless crap taking up space and time and energy on this planet. I remember talking to seth and him in a round about way telling me that hes availible for prom. I told him in a joking way that he could be my "last resort." Of course i didn't mean it. But how ironic. I don't even think I should be worrying about prom yet. But that's what I thought last year and then look where I ended up (home..alone..no friends to take me, no date, no money, no one giving a shit). I don't know. sometimes I really wish I was lacey. Lacey has dave (not that i like dave like that, but you understand..). Seth talks to Lacey. Lacey has friends that really care about her. Lacey has two parents under one roof. Lacey has her pride and self esteem and confidence and things that I can't do or have. I just wish I had somebody to love. I mean, not like a guy necessarily. I mean a best friend, in any form. Someone who i cared about more then anything in the world and someone who cared about me in the same way. Someone who makes me feel like I'm the coolest/most beautiful/greatest person in the world, even if its only their opinion. I mean, I guess that's what everyone wants. I saw seth and kim walking together today. I thought I was trying to get over it. But it hurt a lot. I mean, at least it wasnt the sharp pain start to cry hurt that it used to be. Now its more of a dull hammer constantly beating me until i stop thinking about it. Ha. So today I forgot my keys and i found out when we came to my house...So we drove to my aunt's house for the spare key, and my cousin who just came from india was there. So yeah. He's actually pretty cool, and since lacey was with me we all actually talked. I usually can't talk to any of my relatives because I'm paranoid that they'll hate me. That either they'll think I'm a loser or they'll think I'm too crass or maybe too ugly or too "unholy." I dunno. But he was cool. He was telling me how he plays guitar (used to teach it), and how he was in a rock group back in india, and how he really likes Nirvana. He used to have long hair and a purple goatee but he fixed himself up for our relatives when coming to the US. He was tellin us how everyone in India is a hippie and how everyone there smokes weed, and he said shit a lot. Haha. he's cool. I was happy to meet someone in the family who was at least slightly relatable-to, without feeling really nervous that I wasn't good enough, which is how i feel around the cousins I do have a little bit in common with. Am I asking for too much in life? I know I need to give it time. Give this time. Give everything time. I need to have faith not in what's happening now but in what will occur in the future. I know I need to have faith that thing's will change, things will get better for me. It's just so hard. So hard. Should I call him to ask if he's alright? I don't know. I dont know if doing that would just be bothering him, or if maybe he would give a shit that I cared about him. Because I do. But I don't know. Why does everything have to get so complicated? A simple thing like wanting to get to know a person more becomes such a big mess.. maybe i should become a hermit. This is why Holden Caulfield is my hero. because my life is like this. 7:48 p.m. - 2004-12-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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