compie's Diaryland Diary

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on why driving is theraputic

so..
ugh.

Driving is theraputic. I drove to glen burnie today, then to annapolis almost to the bay bridge, and back. With the music on, it's the same feeling of running. Except you don't have to work so hard...all alone in your car. And theres always the option of running into a tree or a wall and just killing yourself. I mean it seems relatively easy. So even though that's a little unnerving, its also a bit releiving and comforting. Probably only because i'm fucked up.

So i called him today, to ask him some mundane question..But more to ask him if we're friends or not..
"hey, can i ask you something?"
"yeah?"
"are we friends?"
"I dunno."
"well..do you want to be friends?"
"yeah..well from what you told me yesterday [refer to last entry], I don't know if that's what you want. I mean maybe you're just an honest friend. But right now im not comfortable enough in the relationship for you to be telling me things like that.."
"well..I mean i don't think youre a mean person, you just have been mean to me. I mean, ill get over it, eventually..I mean, do you at least like me as a person?"
"yeah, I think youre cool."
"Well, it just seems that you don't feel like talking anymore."
"i'm just really busy. I havn't had time to talk to anyone lately."
"well..okay. Just wanted to clear things up. Well, I want to be friends."
"I do too."
"okay.."
"well I gotta go finish putting lights up and then i need to go do my homework, so ill see ya."
"okay..oh and one more thing"
"yeah?"
"just know that you can call me anytime. I mean, it seems everytime i call you're busy and you don't want to talk. so just know that you can call me. I mean i dont know if you care or not, but you can. I'll try not to call you as often and just wait until you want to talk to me, okay?"
"sigh...okay amy. ill see ya."

does he even give a shit? I have no idea. He's really hard to read. Even when i knew for a fact that he liked me, sometimes even that was hard to tell. So i dunno. I'm surprised he even took what i said yesterday to heart at all. So yeah.

So i guess my plan now is just to talk to him like i would any of my friends. To just be funny and talk about useless mundane things, and then one day when theres enough of that a real relationship can occur. I mean, I guess thats how all my friends started out anyway. I'm thinking about this too much, I really shouldn't. It just sucks. And i hate how random people know about it now and try to put in their two cents. Like jeremy. I don't like him.

So yesterday before i went to sleep I prayed to God that if i was meant to never be loved, if i didn't matter, or if the one person i thought liked me for a time now didnt think i mattered at all (which would just be a testament to how forgettable i am), then just to kill me and use me as some sort of sacrifice for all my friends or something, so in some sense i would matter. ha. yeeah. I don't know, yesterday I wasn't really thinking straight at all. I seriously thought I was gonna die in my sleep. It was comforting, in a way. But i didn't. So i guess that's a good thing. I guess one day things will be better. I don't know why all this bothers me so much. But it does. It really does. But things will get better, I hope. I've been trying to get over this since the day he told me, but it's taking a lot longer then i suspected. Maybe i should just stop thinking about it and be "friends" with him. I think i just need some faith. some real faith, and not just some self-reassurance.

I don't know what the hell anymore.

3:36 p.m. - 2004-12-12

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