compie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- going the distance sooo. I'm at my dads. Probably shouldn't be online. But oh well. So yesterday was okay. Kim and Seth are apparently not going out, from what I hear. Although I haven't asked either of them. I haven't seen them together, and not that im complaining (because if they are together really I'd rather not see it), its a little odd to not see them together at all if theyre "together" (again, not complaining.).. So I dunno. This thursday I stayed after school for play rehearsals (im not in it) because i needed a ride from Megan. So, that was interesting. They're both in it and they have a scene where they kiss. That will be odd..to watch..for me..But actually theres another kim that plays the same role on two of the nights of the play, so i think ill just end up going to that one. The other kim seems to make a better annie anyway, although thats probably biased. But i mean, kim does deserve a lead role. So, it makes sense that she's that character on the other two nights. I guess. Anyways...I said I wasn't going to talk about this anymore. But here it goes.. The other thing is that people never want to hurt kims feelings. And this is understandable, since she is a good and nice person and all that..But its like..what about my feelings? everyone says kim has a really low self esteem, which explains why she's really flirty and always needs a boyfriend to think she's happy. But I dunno. Thats really not fair at all. So apparently she always GETS a boyfriend because everyone wants to make her happy. But like..what are her real problems? I dont know. A lot of people have low self esteem. Myself included. I don't go around advirtizing that because i dont even think im worth people sympathizing over, and to me that feels selfish. I don't know. I don't feel the need to have a boyfriend all the time, but maybe that's because I don't even feel like i'm worth it, and that i'd fail at trying to anyway, so I don't try. I dunno. Well..like. im not saying she doesn't deserve someone, its just that I really wanted this, and it seems that she may just want him to want a boyfriend, and thats not really fair. I mean i dont know. What about me? I'm tired of everyone talking about kim's feelings and what kim wants. What about what I want? Why is she so much more important then me? why should I just let everyone walk all over me because kim will be hurt. I don't want to hurt kim, but i don't think that everything she wants should override the ONE thing I want. that's all. I just think that people are spoiling her a little bit because she has "such low self esteem". I'm not going to go and tell people how much I feel like crap, but..Ugh. I dont know. I like kim and all, but to me none of this seems fair. So yesterday Lacey took me and seth to 7 11 and gave me a ride home. I'm glad at least now i have friends that are willing to give me rides, and its not like how it used to be when everyone just ignored me or gave me some bs excuse why they couldnt drive me home. I mean i feel overly dependent, but i'll be driving soon, i hope. So anyways, on the way to her car i slipped and fell in the mud, and seth kept on laughing at me. I mean it was funny..but this was like..forever. Plus i was just mad at him for everything. So he was bending down getting something or something in Lacey's car and I just kicked him in the ass. haha. so then he was all "oh yeah?" and tried to run towards me to retaliate, and he didnt get so far as one or maybe two steps when he slid on the wet asphalt and landed face down. hahaha. poor guy. It was quite comical though. So now we were both really dirty, but he had an extra shirt so he changed on the way to 7 11. Yeah. I still like him. Its weird though. This whole thing with him is weird. like, how i was upset that whole week before homecoming when lacey told me about kim. I mean, i didn't expect to be that upset for that long. I just think I've liked him, and i like him, even more then I really know. I've never felt happier then on the day he kissed me, nor more like shit the next day. And I mean..I don't know. I just think I like him a lot more then I know, or a lot more then i can say. And I still do. and yeah. I dont know if i should or shouldnt, but really, I can't help it. So yeah. I'm not giving up just yet. I'm trying not to at least. I don't know. Maybe I should. But kim didnt, so why should I? Maybe its the right thing to do, but i like him too much..too much. and im sorry that i do. but, I do. 1:02 p.m. - 2004-12-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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